I've never felt like this in my life. (Will I regret posting this?)

 

I've never felt like this before.

You think you know it all... until you don't.

(trigger warning)

Sometimes life hits you in the guts, when you least expect it.

The below was written in May, 2024. I've come a long way since. I'm so grateful for my life now. Warning, it's pretty dire to read. Yet, I meant every word. Living it daily was hell.

It also took me a long time to get past it. Worst two years of my life. It was very scary and has returned somewhat in the past couple of months, thankfully not as extreme. Prolonged emotional stress made an impact. Too much, too soon.

(July '26 update; I drafted this post in February 2026. I had four good months, then a steady decline from March until where I'm at now. Not quite back in the worst of it but in a pretty bad place. Fuck it, I'm sharing it anyway).

Pained Firsts

 

I don’t want to sound so extreme

It’s how it is

And must be said.

 

I have never felt more trapped

I have never felt more suffocated

I have never felt so helpless

I have never felt so miserable

I have never felt so alone

I have never felt so damned

No matter the decisions.

 

I have never felt so uninterested

In all things

That once provided joy

I have never felt

That the future

Held nothing for me

I have never felt such a pull towards death

I have never felt

That there was no-one to live for

Despite my wish

Not to hurt them.

 

I have never felt

That each day

Was a gruelling endurance test

With only sporadic minutes

Of respite.

 

I rarely write poetry

Completely sober

This is that rarity

Which is why it’s so honest 

And frightening.

 

I wish someone would cut me loose

Before I do it myself.

 

1 a.m.

10.5.24

A lot of this is because of severe anti-depressant withdrawal, (story here) meaning my coping mechanisms were very low. So in a time of high stress, my nervous system basically collapsed. It thought I was constantly in danger and I was in constant fight or flight mode. Not just mental. Very physical too. I was shutting down. I coudln't sleep more than 5 hrs a night. I couldnt rest. Couldn't see a way out. I get why people 'un-alive' themselves. I thought about it a lot. Often daily. I had plans. I feel lucky that I did get out of it. I just have to maintain a peaceful life as possible. 

Depression, anxiety etc come to many at some point to some degree or other. Part of life. But throwing in a drug that messes with your brain into the mix makes it a nightmare. There were other factors too that I won't go into here. 

I've always had anxiety, since a child and had periodic panic attacks (many think they know what they are but have never actually had one. Being panicky is not the same as the terror filled adrendline that pumps through your body. You feel like you're dying). Essentially now, I have a panic disorder. It makes the most basic of living, difficult. A quiet day off at home can be a nightmare. My brain won't shut off catasptrophic thinking. Living in fear. Trapped. My body is in fight or flight mode, making it impossible to relax. Impossible to control my thoughts.

I know this is way too much information. I''m sure most haven't read this far. Everyone is focused on their own thing. You find these things out in time of crisis. Who is there and who isnt.

I leave this more of a record. Incase something happens. I don't kid myself that I'm 'raising awareness'. I'm really just sharing a poem with you. And hope that one day, my daughter (now 15) may find some interest in it.

Peace to you.

Anthony

 

Website - Books, videos, short films, free downloads

https://anthonyjlangford.wixsite.com/writer

AJL Facebook Author Page

AJL YouTube Channel

Love out of Control - A Valentine's Day Special

 

The unrehearsed Dance of Love

A Valentine's Day Special

Hi,

How are you going? 

If youre not a romantic or beleive in Valentine's Day, this post is still for you. There's a video and a poem. The poem is not what you may think.

 

Some things can only be experienced for the first time. Even if we've done something similiar before. Even if we've been in prior relationships. New people, new dynamics to navigate. Nothing is ever truly the same twice.

Before the poem however, is this new TikTok I made. 

Watch 

One Thing that makes Life Worthwhile

 

HERE

The endless equation

 

Simplicity is our aim

Complexity is the game

That we ultimately navigate

With mixed results

In spite of

The easy entry procedure.

 

Peace and love

Is what we seek

Unravelled

In part

By our own emotional decisions

The perpetrators of our own undoing.

 

Now couple that

With the mis-stepped

Dance of Another

And it’s no mystery

As to why it

So often ends

In the far flung

Field of misery

From those

Initial, basic, wholesome yearnings.

 

 

1.2.24  8.15 pm

 

I'm an old romantic at heart. 

I'd like to think that Love conquers all. 

It's certainly a very strong, primal yearning that cannot be denied.

Happy Valentines Day

Love 

Anthony

Love and Regret - An ongoing story

No introduction needed. It's clear what it represents. 

Not only for where I'm at now, but for others who have been through similiar, contemplating it, or never to experience it. 

I'm an emotional person. Perhaps too sensitive. But I don't shy away from that. 

Love, regret and reality

 

Sitting alone

With my thoughts

Her

On Repeat

Imagined scenarios

(What you might be up to)

And possibilities of Us

Never to be.

 

I am the Composer

Of my own pain Orchestra

Caught in the sound cycle

Unable to down volume.

 

I don’t know how

To switch it off.

 

The most intense relationship

I’ve experienced

It almost killed me

My nervous system collapsed

I didn’t want to live

I couldn’t see a way out.

 

Yet now,

I bypass the damaging behaviours

And think solely

Of your many good traits

And your beauty

And your touch

The love we shared

Knowing

I’ll never hold you again.

It kills me.

 

Actioned by me

Believing,

Rightly

That there was no other option.

 

I gave it my all

And more

It brought me undone

Yet, I miss you

And wish against reality’s

Unflinching harshness

That there

Could have been

Another way.

 

 

4.1.26  11.50 pm

More Poetry

AJL Books

In every relationship, both personal and professional, someone holds the power. - OWNED

 

OWNED

Don’t believe you’re free

27 year old headstrong Siobhan is on a journey, in part of discovery of herself, as she negotiates a series of strange relationships. Where she ends up, is not where she expects. 

Part satire, part artistic exploration, Owned is a full-length play based on the concept of the power dynamics in relationships. Of course there are some that are on (mostly) equal footing, share responsibilities, have respect etc, yet there are an awful amount that have one more dominant that another, especially in the working world. 

Thus, someone is Owned. 

This mostly satirical play, was written in 2017/'18. It's also dramatic and disturbing in parts.

I tried to get it produced. I thought it would make for a good piece of low budget, independant theatre but I was unable to secure enough support. Though I had directed a couple of short plays, (and quite a number of short films), I didn't want to direct it. I was/am, more of a writer. 

One director I approached turned out to be a major narcissist. No suprises there. The artistic world is full of them. He never even looked at it. Blessing in disguise. His work is subpar. 

So I hand it over to you, to download, or read at your own leisure. My Pleasure is your Leisure. Or some such thing. I do hope you like it. It's snappy, witty, disturbing with a couple of mysteries at its core. Like much of my work, you can make your own intrepetations. I always make space for the reader to inject themselves into the work. 

Here's the opening few lines. The setting, a small party. Siobhan and Drew are late twenties, working class. 

 

 

DREW

That’s the question.

SIOBHAN

No, that’s the answer.

DREW

Ah no. That’s posing a question.

(demonstrates)

With a little hook at the end.

SIOBHAN

No. It’s a way to back someone into a corner.

DREW

In what way?

SIOBHAN

It’s stating something in a particular way to measure someone’s intelligence. Mine.

DREW

I’m not responsible for your insecurity.

SIOBHAN

(not so annoyed)

Fuck you. I’m not going there.

DREW

I can’t help it if you’re not up for the challenge.

SIOBHAN

I’m above trying to meet your agenda. I’m not going to be judged by you.

DREW

I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.

SIOBHAN

You’re being condescending Drew.

DREW

 (puts on Jack Nicholson voice)

You can’t handle the truth.

SIOBHAN

You’re a dick.

DREW

This I know. I also know… 

SIOBHAN

...that you’re a dick.

DREW

…that you can’t answer my question. But… clearly way above your head.

What's the relationship between these two? Who owns the power?

This is merely the first few lines. This is Siobhan's story. She will soon cross paths with a ambitious man called Milos. Does he want power, or her? What is he really after? 

Continue Reading / Download the entire play for FREE!

 HERE

My YouTube Channel

Latest three videos below (for ipad or PC).

A very 'Unromantic' Couple Video; The push pull shuffle.

 

They were young and in love. But what happened with their miscommunication?

The Push and Pull of Life.

In this scenario, it's a couple in the midst of separation.

Listen to the dance of youthful folly in this short video HERE

How does that resonate with you? Have a similar experience? Aren't we all involved in this misunderstood dance, especially online?

More Videos

More Poetry

Try something different with some Satire or Short Stories. 

Free Downloads, Short Films, Books and more at ... 

A.J. Langford Books

My last book (2022) and perhaps my last. 
Stories and poems on connection, many based on real people and events.

Until next time,

I hope you're well or at least, still getting through life. Sometimes just getting through the day is hard enough. 

Peace ☮🙏

Anthony

Love failing

Fragile beings we are, as Yoda may have once said. (Or sounds like said, he may). 

Peace to you, no matter your situation.

'Life is cruel, Life is tough

Life is crazy, then it all turns to dust.'

Tears for Fears - The Tipping Point

Peace to you, no matter your situation.

Head off at the pass

There’s little

To draw from

A trickle

Once a tenacious flow

Now bare moisture on rocks

Passion monochrome

Deflated

Sucking in air

Suffocating fish gasps.

Inevitability laden

It all ends

Yet must remain unexpected

Sharp revelations

Rejection

Dismissal

The lover who finally

Called it void

When optimism kept you breathing.

Betrayal is often obvious

(For the discerning)

Therefore self-sacrifice

Is the ultimate victor

Minus a winner.

2014. 

Was initially to be included in the 2018 book... Allowing a love to die... but I dropped it.

How does it make you feel? Any thoughts on it? A relationship story you'd care to relate? 

Take care for now

Chat soon.

Peace and love

Anthony

The young ones. She's in Big trouble.

 

An overheard conversation.

Big Serious Trouble

 

I mean, I love him and all, but it’s just … that…

            He’s not the one for you?

No, he is. I think. God, I hope so. I know he is, but he’s lying to me.  I can feel it.

            Oh. Like intuition?

Yeah exactly. We know stuff. Like the other day, Thursday, he said he was really tired and wanted a quiet night. So I go, okay, fine, I won’t see him. I won’t even text him that much because I know he has to get up early for work. So we talk for like an hour, and then at about eight thirty or whatever, I let him go.

            Doing the right thing.

Exactly. And so I said good night and he said good night and like, I was pretty bored and everything, so I just went out for frozen yoghurt with Patricia. Then, get this, at about eleven thirty or something, I get this random text, saying like come over baby, I really want you now and all this shit.

            What the hell?

I know right? He was all horny and acting weird.

            He was drunk.

Well. That’s what I said. But he said I was crazy and laughed it off.

Did you go over?

No chance. I’m not falling for that shit. So the next day, he says he must have been half asleep. I don’t think he even remembered.

            Yep. Drunk.

I reckon too, but he said he wasn’t. He insisted.

So, where do you think he was?

Out with the boys maybe, I don’t know. I mean he sees them every Saturday afternoon at football so why does he have to see them during the week? He should be with me, right?

            You should kick his ass to the curb.

I’m his girlfriend. I should be enough.

            Hell, yeah. Selfish prick. Dump him, quick.

Nah. I’m gunna change him. Just wait and see.

 

This was written in 2013 yet is timeless. Despite changing attitudes and customs, people never change. If in doubt, read the ancient Greek philosophers. They understood people better than many today. 

The image at the top is AI generated by me (does that mean others can't create the same image with the same prompts?). 

Meditations on relationships

A.J. Langford Books

Hope you have a good week.

Peace

She suffers

 

My partner has been sick for five months. Getting an answer has been very hard. Watching her suffer, beyond words.

Her stolen life

 

She ain’t coming back

Cooked and withered

Gone to that place

Where only body exists

Such is the demands

Of physical pain.

 

Health

The great handbrake

The full stop

To her plans

The anchor

To her everyday existence

Buried deep beyond

That surface layer

Where the rest of us exist.

 

And take for granted.

 

The agony she often endures

Isn’t the worst of it.

 

Where is she going?

What is the solution?

Only answers to nowhere

And the un-merry-go-round

Of uncertainty.

 

Its treachery bites to the core.

 

Without a plan

There’s no hope

Seemingly too costly

To offer.

 

So, all we can do

Is deliver well meaning platitudes

While she sails that ship alone

Knowing there’s no destination

And curse the unhearing void

For the unjust theft

Of a healthy young life

A crime of magnitude

With no consequences

For the guilty.

 

 

20.9.23

 

The story continues...

A.J. Langford Books

Life can surprise you. I found that out in a big way

 

Almost eleven months ago, something crazy happened to me. It's quite personal. I may regret posting this but my heart is on my sleeve. Read on at your own risk.

The poem tells the story. Written eight months ago.

The Reignition

 

It’s an obvious point

It still needs

To be said.

 

She makes me feel young

Reminds me of what

It was like

And how fresh and open

And naive

I must have been.

 

That impulsiveness

Living in the moment

The lack of plans

Mostly looking forward

Not back

The excitement of new love

The obsession with the other

The ecstasy of sex

And lots of it.

 

Something new

Not previously lived

Not merely another experience

Measured against the previous one.

 

And yet,

It must also be said

That I cannot pretend

That I am not middle aged

And feel frustrations

In certain behaviours

That only exist

In the early stages of adulthood.

 

I must exercise tolerance

Refrain from condemnation

Or to proffer advice

And simply be in the moment too.

 

It’s almost like being

In a three-way relationship

The third being me

My younger self

How would he react?

Did he do things like this?

 

He’s watching too

And whispering

And laughing

Out of my mouth

The young man

Given voice once more

After being silenced

For decades.

 

Or is he the actual one

Honouring me

With the breath of life?

Thought retreated

Aged to oblivion.

 

There’s a spring in the step

A glint in the eye

A smoothing over

Of entrenched social graces

A flight in the laughter

An alluring joy

That I surely

Have no right to.

 

And yet,

Here I am

Living it

Blessed.

 

 

5.8.22 5.35 pm

I wasn't seeking younger, though she was seeking older. (And no I'm not wealthy). It is what it is. As I said, a surprise. I'm sure not everyone agrees with it but the only people we have to make happy is each other. Most have actually been great.

As to how long it lasts, who knows? Same as any other relationship. A day at a time. Almost a year in, it's working just fine. 

How will you be when you're old? Sitting on a porch? 

Posted this recently. If you haven't seen it, watch on YouTube HERE

Coming next week,

I wrote a movie!

My unproduced feature length screenplay, Travel Bug, based on some of my travels when I was young. Written in 2005. It's fun and more than a bit crazy. 

https://anthonyjlangford.wixsite.com/writer