The trials of life - You Always knew there was More.

 

Hi you beautiful human being,

How's life in general? 
(As my dear old Pop used to say).

Art by Kathy Schifferer - katyschifferer.com/2018/04/13/catching-stars/

A poem from 2009 when I first began writing poetry regularly. I was using capitals a lot, for some reason I can't recall.

Never been published so here it is. Peace

The Reaching

 

 

When the last of Starlight

Dwindles

The Glow

Flickering from View.

 

And You Reach Out

To Savour its Dying Whisper

The Meaning

Only You Can Comprehend.

 

Will its Wisdom

Enter Reasoning

Fill You with the Promise

That You Knew

Existed

Illuminating

Those bashful Hopes

Igniting

A Beacon

A Breakthrough!

 

Towards the End of Slumber

It's Time for the Awakening

That You Always knew would Come

Embrace it

Open like a Birth

A Thousand Pinpoints of Colour

Firing Your Every Core

Here It Comes

Like a Drug

You Always knew there was More.

 

The Expectation

The Trek Liberates

Guiding

Eyes Awake

An Arousal for Knowledge

The Lust is the Mandate

Maintains the Triggers

Firing

All Cylinders

Yet the Barrel is not Straight.

 

Dead Ends

Pathways Curve

Disappointment Is Kept

One Answer

Erupts Two Questions

Is this really the Score?

The Track is Layered

With the Faulty Steps

Of Those who came Before

Though Yours are unique

Ignore the Examples

To ascend a Peak

Is to Challenge Pain of Doubt

Persistence

Solidify

Harden those Questions

Is that not Easier?

 

Release

Is All we Seek

A Short Flight

for this cornered Bird

A tenuous Peace

For One so Bleak

In Preference to...

None at All.

 

You May not Approve

Where You Conclude

The Person You Had to Become

Unfashionable Worship

If Only to Ponder

At the Final Stroke

And discover the Answer;

The Inner Sanctum.

 

It was Written

In the Struggle

Of the Tiresome Trail

And Trials.

To have found Solace

At the Last

In the Letting Go.

 

 

 

One of my early ones before I entered into a heavy writing phase. 

What did you think?

I still write poetry, albeit not often. I'd like to write more. Health plays a part. 

Website - Books, videos, short films, free downloads

https://anthonyjlangford.wixsite.com/writer

AJL Facebook Author Page

AJL YouTube Channel

I've never felt like this in my life. (Will I regret posting this?)

 

I've never felt like this before.

You think you know it all... until you don't.

(trigger warning)

Sometimes life hits you in the guts, when you least expect it.

The below was written in May, 2024. I've come a long way since. I'm so grateful for my life now. Warning, it's pretty dire to read. Yet, I meant every word. Living it daily was hell.

It also took me a long time to get past it. Worst two years of my life. It was very scary and has returned somewhat in the past couple of months, thankfully not as extreme. Prolonged emotional stress made an impact. Too much, too soon.

(July '26 update; I drafted this post in February 2026. I had four good months, then a steady decline from March until where I'm at now. Not quite back in the worst of it but in a pretty bad place. Fuck it, I'm sharing it anyway).

Pained Firsts

 

I don’t want to sound so extreme

It’s how it is

And must be said.

 

I have never felt more trapped

I have never felt more suffocated

I have never felt so helpless

I have never felt so miserable

I have never felt so alone

I have never felt so damned

No matter the decisions.

 

I have never felt so uninterested

In all things

That once provided joy

I have never felt

That the future

Held nothing for me

I have never felt such a pull towards death

I have never felt

That there was no-one to live for

Despite my wish

Not to hurt them.

 

I have never felt

That each day

Was a gruelling endurance test

With only sporadic minutes

Of respite.

 

I rarely write poetry

Completely sober

This is that rarity

Which is why it’s so honest 

And frightening.

 

I wish someone would cut me loose

Before I do it myself.

 

1 a.m.

10.5.24

A lot of this is because of severe anti-depressant withdrawal, (story here) meaning my coping mechanisms were very low. So in a time of high stress, my nervous system basically collapsed. It thought I was constantly in danger and I was in constant fight or flight mode. Not just mental. Very physical too. I was shutting down. I coudln't sleep more than 5 hrs a night. I couldnt rest. Couldn't see a way out. I get why people 'un-alive' themselves. I thought about it a lot. Often daily. I had plans. I feel lucky that I did get out of it. I just have to maintain a peaceful life as possible. 

Depression, anxiety etc come to many at some point to some degree or other. Part of life. But throwing in a drug that messes with your brain into the mix makes it a nightmare. There were other factors too that I won't go into here. 

I've always had anxiety, since a child and had periodic panic attacks (many think they know what they are but have never actually had one. Being panicky is not the same as the terror filled adrendline that pumps through your body. You feel like you're dying). Essentially now, I have a panic disorder. It makes the most basic of living, difficult. A quiet day off at home can be a nightmare. My brain won't shut off catasptrophic thinking. Living in fear. Trapped. My body is in fight or flight mode, making it impossible to relax. Impossible to control my thoughts.

I know this is way too much information. I''m sure most haven't read this far. Everyone is focused on their own thing. You find these things out in time of crisis. Who is there and who isnt.

I leave this more of a record. Incase something happens. I don't kid myself that I'm 'raising awareness'. I'm really just sharing a poem with you. And hope that one day, my daughter (now 15) may find some interest in it.

Peace to you.

Anthony

 

Website - Books, videos, short films, free downloads

https://anthonyjlangford.wixsite.com/writer

AJL Facebook Author Page

AJL YouTube Channel

Pure Art - No Fucking AI here

 

Fuck AI

I handwrite everything. Always have. Even now. 

In an era where many, including myself, disbeleive what they see and read (and hear), how do creators convince others what they're presenting is genuine?

We can't. It doesn't help when some authors are admitting to using AI. That ruins the entire industry. There has to be some sort of strict regulations put in place. 

I show you this photo so that you may see for yourself and hope that's enough.

Our Blank Pages

This was the first poem in a new diary style book. It merely came into being, simply by being the first thing to be written in that book.

You can see the date. My poetry output has been considerably slower as that book is not yet full, though I have started on a new book. And sometimes have used bits of paper if somewhere other than at home. It's been a pretty difficult time during '24/'25. I came close to throwing it all away. Things are better this year. Still a ways to go. 

Our blank pages

 

Time for a new book

A new chapter

The pages blank

Hidden from glory

Pain and disappointment.

 

Elation too

And that sweet, warm joy.

 

Devoid of all

Until tomorrow comes

And we face the day

And our fate

Whatever it chooses to deliver.

 

 

5.20pm

7.7.22

 

First page in a new poetry book.

Know that I would never cheat to create art. What's the point? I've been writing and creating my whole life, sometimes slower than others, but have never stopped. There's no point in doing so now. That's just not me. Real emotions, realistic characters and situations in my books. That's what I aim for. 

Do you doubt much of what you see now? 

Website - Books, videos, short films, free downloads

https://anthonyjlangford.wixsite.com/writer

AJL Facebook Author Page

AJL YouTube Channel

Do you sometimes feel like this? I'm sorry.

Damaged, not yet dust

 

You know that feeling

You get sometimes

That melancholic wave

More like a surge

Coming up from your gut

It’s been sitting there for days                          

Weeks really

Bubbling away

Doing its thing in the background

And you know you’re not

Doing so well

But you’ve been doing your best

To pretend it’s not there

Even though it never really leaves you.

 

Then one hour

It arrives

And suddenly

It’s all there is

It’s completely taken over

One little thing

Just pushed you down

And you’re now so tired

No

Exhausted

Completely deflated

Not only do you

Have nothing to give

You can barely function

Even for yourself.

 

You feel cut off

Alone

Somehow persecuted

And you’re abruptly crying

And all that weight

You’ve been carrying

For so long

Crushes you

And you’re sobbing now

Thinking the very worst

Of everything

Unable to move

Unable to face any of it

Anymore.

 

It has control

Not you

You’re a prisoner to it

It feels like death

Like it’s a logical option.

If you’ve had that

I’m sorry my friend

We just want someone

To take it all away

To hold us

And promise

That things will improve.

 

You’re so desperate

For any other kind

Of existence

You’ll damn well

Do anything.

 

It passes

It always does

At least for a while

As empty as you feel

You’re more relaxed now

Expelled that build up

Though the existential flatness

Remains

Like a curse.

 

It may not go away

Not until things change

Which they will

In time

As everything does.

 

Just know

If you feel that deeply

It’s a reflection

Of the good person you are

And I guarantee

As it is for me too

That it’s not your fault.

 

Sometimes…

We just break a little.                                        

 

 

21.5.26    11.30 pm.

 

Dirty bastard - Cheeky

 

Hey you beautiful human being,

How's life in general? 

This one is a bit cheeky. Pun intended.

Dirty bastard

 

Sleazy fool

Struck her on the ass

Called her

A naughty girl.

 

Fine as lover or friend

Not as manager

Especially given

His trial period

Result yet to be determined

Though odds are certain

His ass is next

On the chopping block.

 

 2015

Times have changed but there was a time, not so long ago... And shit still happens.

What do you think?

Your opinion matters.

Until next time,

Please check out my YouTube channel for many videos, including a lot of new shorts with a whole range of topics!

Website - Books, videos, short films, free downloads

https://anthonyjlangford.wixsite.com/writer

AJL Facebook Author Page

AJL YouTube Channel

Peace

Anthony

From a father to his daughter in the future (written when she was 5).

 

Hey you beautiful human being,

How's life in general? 
(As my grandfather used to say).

I wrote this to my beautiful little girl, when she was little.

Middle age father to future daughter

 

You slept

While I drank

You paraded

While I internalised

You played

I marvelled

And documented

The feature film I never made

Finally content that I didn’t.

(You sure?)

 

We hugged

I forgot all

Bar the unadulterated joy

Unrivalled.

 

I was not perfect

Unlike most

I was all too bristling

With my inconsistencies

My inner burdens

 

Yet the best of me

Went to you

I may ultimately lose

I accept that

As long as you flourish

And even if not

The intent was pure

With enough purpose

To let me rest

Finally.

2015

Things have changed alot, for those older parents who have been through the teenage years. And for all of us who remember our own time, though perhaps not objectively. 

Love to hear your thoughts. I do these for you.

Website - Books, videos, short films, free downloads

https://anthonyjlangford.wixsite.com/writer

AJL Facebook Author Page

AJL YouTube Channel

Straight of Hummus

A very silly, very short video

Until next time,

Peace

Anthony

There's a pathway to being happy through doing this

 

O P E N 

In order to get there, you have to do this first.

Watch OPEN

My latest video

Written when I was in Rehab.

AJL YouTube Channel

And there it is, a new friend

Website - Books, videos, short films, free downloads

https://anthonyjlangford.wixsite.com/writer

AJL Facebook Author Page

Love out of Control - A Valentine's Day Special

 

The unrehearsed Dance of Love

A Valentine's Day Special

Hi,

How are you going? 

If youre not a romantic or beleive in Valentine's Day, this post is still for you. There's a video and a poem. The poem is not what you may think.

 

Some things can only be experienced for the first time. Even if we've done something similiar before. Even if we've been in prior relationships. New people, new dynamics to navigate. Nothing is ever truly the same twice.

Before the poem however, is this new TikTok I made. 

Watch 

One Thing that makes Life Worthwhile

 

HERE

The endless equation

 

Simplicity is our aim

Complexity is the game

That we ultimately navigate

With mixed results

In spite of

The easy entry procedure.

 

Peace and love

Is what we seek

Unravelled

In part

By our own emotional decisions

The perpetrators of our own undoing.

 

Now couple that

With the mis-stepped

Dance of Another

And it’s no mystery

As to why it

So often ends

In the far flung

Field of misery

From those

Initial, basic, wholesome yearnings.

 

 

1.2.24  8.15 pm

 

I'm an old romantic at heart. 

I'd like to think that Love conquers all. 

It's certainly a very strong, primal yearning that cannot be denied.

Happy Valentines Day

Love 

Anthony

All These Things We Leave Behind - Lost Video, Found after 14 years!

The Weight of Passing Things

Hi,

I made this video 14 years ago. I came across the location where I filmed it, which is now vacant. Still. As you can see in the video, the building had already been long abandoned in 2012. 

So I thought of this video, went looking and realised I had never uploaded it. I was making a few videos then, and was the primary carer of my daughter who was only 16 months then. And so it's remained unseen all this time. The poem also, has never been published before.

Now, it's for you.

All These Things We Leave Behind

A Video Poem

Watch on YouTube HERE

What did you think?
Has my style changed at all?

Text below.

Never published until now. 

All these things

9/1/12

 

 

All these things

Whose time has come to pass

Whether they were ready or not

Forever suddenly has an end

Infinity has become finite

The hinges have rusted

Concrete shattered

No one to pick up the pieces

Fragments forgotten

Easier to begin again

Than to reconnect.

 

Yesteryear with pages Torn

Bound by faded mustard covers

The walls are coming down

Exposing interiors

Revealing frailties.

 

The Edges are frayed

The beautiful now Withered

Prospering weeds

Obscuring the history

Of a world owned by youth

Now decaying and no longer meaningful

Their escapades lost to time

A broken cross on the earth

Before the demise has come to pass.

 

It’s just another symbol

Of the way we treat

Those who do not measure up anymore

The unsubstantial, the declining

And the vulnerable

And while you turn your cheek

To more pristine prospects

Remember

That your turn is coming.

From memory, this was a case of the video being shot first and the poem was written around it. It was all done at the same time, January, 2012.

More Video Poems

How did this make you feel?

Has my work changed over the years?

I would really appreciate your opinion. On any of it! 

Thank you so much for sticking around. I appreciate you!

Peace

Anthony

Anthony J. Langford Books | Australian writer