I've never felt like this before.
You think you know it all... until you don't.
(trigger warning)
Sometimes life hits you in the guts, when you least expect it.
The below was written in May, 2024. I've come a long way since. I'm so grateful for my life now. Warning, it's pretty dire to read. Yet, I meant every word. Living it daily was hell.
It also took me a long time to get past it. Worst two years of my life. It was very scary and has returned somewhat in the past couple of months, thankfully not as extreme. Prolonged emotional stress made an impact. Too much, too soon.
(July '26 update; I drafted this post in February 2026. I had four good months, then a steady decline from March until where I'm at now. Not quite back in the worst of it but in a pretty bad place. Fuck it, I'm sharing it anyway).
Pained Firsts
I don’t want to sound so extreme
It’s how it is
And must be said.
I have never felt more trapped
I have never felt more suffocated
I have never felt so helpless
I have never felt so miserable
I have never felt so alone
I have never felt so damned
No matter the decisions.
I have never felt so uninterested
In all things
That once provided joy
I have never felt
That the future
Held nothing for me
I have never felt such a pull towards death
I have never felt
That there was no-one to live for
Despite my wish
Not to hurt them.
I have never felt
That each day
Was a gruelling endurance test
With only sporadic minutes
Of respite.
I rarely write poetry
Completely sober
This is that rarity
Which is why it’s so honest
And frightening.
I wish someone would cut me loose
Before I do it myself.
1 a.m.
10.5.24
A lot of this is because of severe anti-depressant withdrawal, (story here) meaning my coping mechanisms were very low. So in a time of high stress, my nervous system basically collapsed. It thought I was constantly in danger and I was in constant fight or flight mode. Not just mental. Very physical too. I was shutting down. I coudln't sleep more than 5 hrs a night. I couldnt rest. Couldn't see a way out. I get why people 'un-alive' themselves. I thought about it a lot. Often daily. I had plans. I feel lucky that I did get out of it. I just have to maintain a peaceful life as possible.
Depression, anxiety etc come to many at some point to some degree or other. Part of life. But throwing in a drug that messes with your brain into the mix makes it a nightmare. There were other factors too that I won't go into here.
I've always had anxiety, since a child and had periodic panic attacks (many think they know what they are but have never actually had one. Being panicky is not the same as the terror filled adrendline that pumps through your body. You feel like you're dying). Essentially now, I have a panic disorder. It makes the most basic of living, difficult. A quiet day off at home can be a nightmare. My brain won't shut off catasptrophic thinking. Living in fear. Trapped. My body is in fight or flight mode, making it impossible to relax. Impossible to control my thoughts.
I know this is way too much information. I''m sure most haven't read this far. Everyone is focused on their own thing. You find these things out in time of crisis. Who is there and who isnt.
I leave this more of a record. Incase something happens. I don't kid myself that I'm 'raising awareness'. I'm really just sharing a poem with you. And hope that one day, my daughter (now 15) may find some interest in it.
Peace to you.
Anthony
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