Looking upwards! Mental Health Month - Part 2 of 2

 

Working towards wellness

The previous post spoke of my misery over the past year, so this will be much more positive.

Here is the second poem that I mentioned in the previous post. It was going to be another  miserable one from earlier this year but I changed it. No one wants to read of another's misery. Besides, it's much more upbeat! And I don't want to appear that I've been wallowing in it. I've been fighting hard the entire time. As my partner can testify. I want to be better! And finally, I am feeling better, albeit a long way to go. With a little helping hand, you might say. This recent poem explains all.

There's a short video below that and also something positive to end on!

Looking to a better future

Above the Abyss

 

I no longer want to die

I’ve scrambled

To be my own saviour

No self-help book or video or psych

Can do the work

That only I can do

Must do.

 

However,

I did receive a helping hand

Of sorts

From the Great Beyond

If one believes in such things

Which I don’t

And yet,

I cannot deny

That through my grandmother’s death

It forced me into a position

Of having to travel interstate

And face my difficulties

I believed impassable.

 

To rephrase

In her death

She helped me to live.

 

I did five days of travel

With the support of Taylah

And did it well

Including reading a poem I wrote

(That alone surprised me)

At her graveside service

And felt good for the

Great bulk of that trip.

 

I returned to Sydney

As did the anxiety

Which caused me to fall

Into a depressive hole

Nothing like having experienced freedom

And joy

After months of intense suffering

Only to be re-incarcerated

A form of twisted torture.

 

Since then

I’ve had the odd better day

And implemented positivity

Faked,

Over and over

Until it began to make inroads.

 

Now I’ve had a string of good days

Again, with the enforced mindset

Becoming my own Life Coach

And while there are setback days

I do believe I’m slowly emerging

Back into life

Out of the cell

Of my own design.

 

At least

I want to live

That is, its own

Sign of success.

 

 

5/5/25  11.45 pm

(My nephew’s birthday).

 

The last time I saw my grandmother, in Sept, 2023

The poem I read at my grandmother's service, Our Beloved Pioneer, appeared in a country publication too, submitted by my grandmother's son, my father.

Perhaps I'll share the full poem sometime, if anyone is interested

Here's a short video I made about depression. Melancholy has followed me about forever and a day too but I'm also quite upbeat. An introvert and extrovert. Those who know can testify to the upbeat me. Most have not seen the other. I've learnt over the years to hide it well. Thus the nature of the mental tussle. It's an battle oft done silently. 

In the Wallows

Way back in 1992, I made a short film about a man who loses control of his mind after a series of life blows. Knowing my own mental state at times, it wasn't a huge stretch. 

Reality Unfastened

Enough misery now! Please feel free to share your story, feelings or even the post itself. It's good to talk about these things. Especially when I'm doing better. I think when people are really suffering, they're quiet. That's when others should become worried. I know I've come close to suicide many times in the past year. It scares me now when I think back to how viable an option it seemed. 

I have a ways to go but signs recently are good. Not great but trending upwards. Day at a time. Keeping calm and staying positive are my weapons. (Just don't tell a depressed person to be positive. They're too far gone. It's near impossible). 

I only became that depressed because the anxiety was so severe it made my life unbearable. It was only through some respite via cold showers, swimming and Valium plus distractions like faking it, playing music, dancing, talking to myself and the support of my girlfriend that I was able to rise enough before I could even entertain the idea of being positive. Without some daily relief, I would have taken my life. I fantasised about it. I planned it. At one point I had razor blades hidden throughout the house. It seemed the only way out. 

Enough.

Peace

Anthony

Ps I'm thinking of releasing a novel. Not sure which one yet. I've got a few. Either Ode to Dead Young Friends, based on four young people I knew who all died young or True Love Kills, also based on a true story but with a lot more fictional aspects about a teenage girl whose new school friends are involved in a terrible incident in which someone dies. 

What do you think? The anxiety doesn't want me to do anything as it's all 'dangerous' but I have to keep pushing myself. This will be quite a scary exercise, unlike when I released books in the past when it was exciting. Still, I feel the work is good and should be out there. I think. 

Let me know your thoughts about any of the above!

Ode to Dead Young Friends

A.J. Langford Books

July Novel Month - Novel No. 5 - Ode to Dead Young Friends

Ode to Dead Young Friends

A Memoir by
Anthony J. Langford



The true story of four people who died too young.
A dedication to Youth.


Avita – A stunning but wild, free spirit. She is nineteen and has the world, particularly men, at her feet. Yet her desire to experiment and live on the edge is fraught with danger.
‘Life’s for fun. Live a little. ’

Andrew – A passionate country boy with fire in his blood. He loves his family and his friends and yet struggles with his emotions and his place in the world.
‘I'm not even thinking about next week. ’

Rosemary – A meek city girl just coming into her own. Some are late to the ocean, with barely a toe in, testing the waters and finally wading in, discovering how beautiful it really is, but only to be lost in a sudden wave.
‘I just… I don’t know if I can do this…’

Ryan – A confident young man with a zest for life. He is smart, well-travelled and seemingly has it all. And yet, while not as young as the others, he is still coming to terms with who is. For some people, for whatever reason, perhaps no reason at all, destiny conspires against them.
‘You do have to try and find happiness in life, wherever it is.'



Ode to Dead Young Friends
centres on the fragility of life, the bond of friendship, the rivalry’s, the intensity of emotion between friends and lovers, the misunderstanding's, insecurity's, breakdowns, the threat of violence, horrors real and imagined, learning how to manage the politics of sex, the emergence into an adult world and the devastating shock of loss.
Ode is the essence of humanity, captured in our most vulnerable time, when we are young.

(There is a long Introduction, so I will only post the first portion of it and also a snippet of Part One).



Introduction

A Funeral is an odd place to begin a story. They are usually positioned towards the end, or perhaps in the middle, if at all. Anywhere but the beginning. Publishers will tell you it's professional Hari Kari to start any type of text with a funeral scene. I suppose they assume all funerals are morbid affairs. Not so. I've heard of some tumultuous celebrations, barely disguised rip roaring, drug induced orgies. A free-for-all drunken cacophony, with wine and song and pills. Perhaps I exaggerate. However, while most people believe in an afterlife of sorts, many of us are moving away from the traditional solemn and sermon based funerals. There are now 'Green' funerals, where the deceased is buried in biodegradable material and deposited in an eco-cemetery. In parts of New Orleans, they still celebrate the Jazz Funeral, complete with a jazz band as part of the celebration. There are internet funerals too. Streamed online for those who can't make the real thing. You never have to leave your loungeroom.
One in particular that I attended a few years ago was a veritable triumphant remembrance, complete with dance music and professionally edited video. This funeral, that of a dear friend, prompted me to contemplate other funerals I've been to. Even in the midst of writing this book I've had to attend one. We do expect a certain number of funerals in our lifetime. The chances are that number will increase as we get older. Yet I sometimes think that I received them in reverse order. At a young age, I experienced far too many.

Part One - Avita


WANTED
To Share.
Three Bedroom House with Two Others.
Own Room, Good Size.
118…. Street
Ring 9… ….

Avita was Hot.
A melting, heart wrenching, saliva inducing, stormy, lustful, raging, stunner. A girl that froze the speech from leaving your mouth. A girl that made you forget every normal social introductory norm including the English language. A girl that made me hard and soft at the same time. Yet she wasn't the first of the two girls I met. It was Maree who answered the door. I'll never forget that hair. There had to be an entire can of hairspray in that one do. The chemical smell almost gave me respiratory failure. I met her eyes and had to crane my head back to see the top strand. I almost cricked my neck.
I grew up in the country and had responded to an ad in the local paper. The town itself had around thirty thousand residents and I was looking for a place to live. I was seventeen and had moved out of home the year before. Part of the reason this happened at a young age, aside from the fact that I wasn’t getting along with my parents, was that they were building a house, literally on their own. They had sold their dilapidated weatherboard, (which would be demolished by the new owners) and when they had to move to their new abode, it was nowhere near complete, not one room. My parents, brother and sister had to share a tiny caravan out back, a proverbial sardine can. The small dining table had to be folded down to make the second bed. Barely room for them let alone for a fifth. It was probably a blessing to my parents as they had their hands full as it was and I had been an introverted, extroverted, disillusioned teenager. In other words, a shit. First I lived with one set of grandparents and then the other. I was running out of options.

Coming Next,
Novel No. 4 - R.I.P. (Rest In Prime).

(2021 update: This is a very heartfelt book. Most of it is true. I'm not certain I will publish it. It needs some rewriting. 

My Books

Ode to Dead Young Friends

A couple of months ago, I made a submission to a major UK publisher with my fifth novel, Ode to Dead Young Friends. I've tried to snare an agent before, mainly in the US with my second and third novels, a Young Adult sci-fi series, but I haven't really tried to get my other novels 'out there.' 

There are a few reasons for this. Mainly that I've been too occupied in the process of actual writing over the past six-seven years but the truth is that I'm terrible at the business side of writing. I'm a creative. I know. I need to do more. 

 Anyway, I finally got this one out there and thought I'd talk a little about the novel. I'll keep you up to date on it's progress with the publisher, who are seeking new writers and wanted to see the whole manuscript but are only choosing one submission. Chances are, I'll be rejected as I'm sure they had thousands of entries (it was a type of competition), but it's an opportunity to talk about the book.

It's different than my other novels, as it was not directly targeted at Young Adults (like the first three Novels I wrote). And it was mainly a memoir. I say mainly as I had to change a few things and I'll explain why in a minute but it was mostly fact, at least 80%. Yet because of that, I couldn't call it Non-Fiction either. A tough sell? I don't know. Perhaps its better to be quiet about such things. I wonder how many memoirs are 100% fact. I'd say none.

Especially if its Auto-biographical. I never trust biographies anyway. The truth is only a matter of perspective anyway. 

Ode to Dead Young Friends, is literally what it says it is. It's based on four friends of mine who all died young. 

Avita – A stunning but wild, free spirit. 

Andrew – A passionate country boy with fire in his blood. 

Rosemary – A meek city girl just coming into her own. 

Ryan – A confident young man with a zest for life. 

I have changed their names and some situations, to protect the real people involved, but I wanted to honour their memory and my association with these young people, who were all very different. Their only commonality was their youth and that they all knew me. It's respectful, though honest and as a consequence, isn't always pleasant. 

I found this very difficult to write as I realised that it was impossible to tell their stories without including myself in it. It felt very narcissistic. But I couldn't tell it any other way. Well I suppose I could have dressed it up within the confines of a fictional story, but somehow, I don't think people would have believed it. Some events can only exist in the real world. 

I did however, end up revealing much more about myself than I had planned. I'm still reluctant about it. Yet, I had to be truthful. At times, I don't come out looking that good. I didn't want it to be some Hallmark / Mills & Boon version of what happened. 

Youth is a difficult time for most. Youth is painful. And it was painful to write. More than once I ended up in tears. I miss my friends. They were too young to die. It's still hard to talk about. 

I almost decided to shelve the book and never release it. And it did stay in the drawer for over a year, before I pulled it out and decided to redraft it. I had written the initial draft quite quickly, I think over 2-3 months. But I spent almost a year rewriting it, while I was working on other projects. It's simply written. No reams of eloquent, flowing, wistful Victorian style prose. That's not me. I believe in simplicity.

The Book is divided into Four Distinctive Parts and yet, sometimes the timelines blur as some of these people knew each other. I remain the constant factor throughout. It covers an almost twenty year period, from when I was 17 through to 36. The theme of the book evolved into a celebration of youth itself. I came to understand that we are all slaves to our age; it defines our thoughts, never more so obvious than when we are young.

I'll let you know what becomes of the submission and perhaps I'll begin shopping it around if it comes to naught. It would be nice to see it in print. If only for them. I'll leave you with this little tag I wrote for the synopsis. An epic novel dealing with the fragility of life, the bond of friendship, the jealousy's, the intensity of emotion between friends and lovers, the misunderstanding's, the breakdowns, the violence, the insecurity's, the discovery of sex, the emergence into an adult world and the very essence of humanity, captured in youth. 

 Coming Next Post, 

 A New Entry in Greatest Written Films 

A Short Story, Ferris-Wheel Frivolity 

https://www.anthonyjlangfordbooks.com/

Until Then