Working towards wellness
The previous post spoke of my misery over the past year, so this will be much more positive.
Here is the second poem that I mentioned in the previous post. It was going to be another miserable one from earlier this year but I changed it. No one wants to read of another's misery. Besides, it's much more upbeat! And I don't want to appear that I've been wallowing in it. I've been fighting hard the entire time. As my partner can testify. I want to be better! And finally, I am feeling better, albeit a long way to go. With a little helping hand, you might say. This recent poem explains all.
There's a short video below that and also something positive to end on!
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| Looking to a better future |
Above the Abyss
I no longer want to die
I’ve scrambled
To be my own saviour
No self-help book or video or psych
Can do the work
That only I can do
Must do.
However,
I did receive a helping hand
Of sorts
From the Great Beyond
If one believes in such things
Which I don’t
And yet,
I cannot deny
That through my grandmother’s death
It forced me into a position
Of having to travel interstate
And face my difficulties
I believed impassable.
To rephrase
In her death
She helped me to live.
I did five days of travel
With the support of Taylah
And did it well
Including reading a poem I wrote
(That alone surprised me)
At her graveside service
And felt good for the
Great bulk of that trip.
I returned to Sydney
As did the anxiety
Which caused me to fall
Into a depressive hole
Nothing like having experienced freedom
And joy
After months of intense suffering
Only to be re-incarcerated
A form of twisted torture.
Since then
I’ve had the odd better day
And implemented positivity
Faked,
Over and over
Until it began to make inroads.
Now I’ve had a string of good days
Again, with the enforced mindset
Becoming my own Life Coach
And while there are setback days
I do believe I’m slowly emerging
Back into life
Out of the cell
Of my own design.
At least
I want to live
That is, its own
Sign of success.
5/5/25 11.45 pm
(My nephew’s birthday).
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| The last time I saw my grandmother, in Sept, 2023 |
The poem I read at my grandmother's service, Our Beloved Pioneer, appeared in a country publication too, submitted by my grandmother's son, my father.
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| Perhaps I'll share the full poem sometimes, if anyone is interested |
Here's a short video I made about depression. Melancholy has followed me about forever and a day too but I'm also quite upbeat. An introvert and extrovert. Those who know can testify to the upbeat me. Most have not seen the other. I've learnt over the years to hide it well. Thus the nature of the mental tussle. It's an battle oft done silently.
Enough misery now! Please feel free to share your story, feelings or even the post itself. It's good to talk about these things. Especially when I'm doing better. I think when people are really suffering, they're quiet. That's when others should become worried. I know I've come close to suicide many times in the past year. It scares me now when I think back to how viable an option it seemed.
I have a ways to go but signs recently are good. Not great but trending upwards. Day at a time. Keeping calm and staying positive are my weapons. (Just don't tell a depressed person to be positive. They're too far gone. It's near impossible).
I only became that depressed because the anxiety was so severe it made my life unbearable. It was only through some respite via cold showers, swimming and Valium plus distractions like faking it, playing music, dancing, talking to myself and the support of my girlfriend that I was able to rise enough before I could even entertain the idea of being positive. Without some daily relief, I would have taken my life. I fantasised about it. I planned it. At one point I had razor blades hidden throughout the house. It seemed the only way out.
Enough.
Peace
Anthony
Ps I'm thinking of releasing a novel. Not sure which one yet. I've got a few. Either Ode to Dead Young Friends, based on four young people I knew who all died young or True Love Kills, also based on a true story but with a lot more fictional aspects about a teenage girl whose new school friends are involved in a terrible incident in which someone dies.
What do you think? The anxiety doesn't want me to do anything as it's all 'dangerous' but I have to keep pushing myself. This will be quite a scary exercise, unlike when I released books in the past when it was exciting. Still, I feel the work is good and should be out there. I think.
Let me know your thoughts about any of the above!
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| Ode to Dead Young Friends |
