Allowing a love to die is not murder - Meditations on Love - Available to Purchase

 

Meditations on love & loss,

in an easily digestible poetry format. 

​

Don't let the word poetry deceive you. These are snapshots at life, some based on true incidents and people, of the difficulty and absurdity of human relationships.

(Much was written in the lead up and process of the break up of my long term partner, so there's real and painful truth in there).

 

Not to be missed.

Like all books, can be signed/inscribed if you wish. Makes for a perfect gift. 

Simply email me at anthonyjlangford2@yahoo.com.au

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I saw things I did not want to see

 

I worked part-time in a Nursing Home for five years. This after working in the media for thirty. Needless to say it was a massive eye opener.

I wrote this one day around 2016.

There are things, worse than death

 

I contemplate my death

One more time

Too many, to be natural

As the sun dies

And the birds retire

And my gut aches again

Something I’m not sure of

And I know something gets us all

But I hope it’s not that.

A sudden head slump

Heart attack please

No extras

Just make it quick.

 

Ah I’m sorry sir

But that’s our most requested

And there’s no guarantee of delivery

 

I’ll have it sooner

Rather than later, I say.

 

I don’t mind the rush

As long as I don’t end up

With a P.O.W. type frame

Shitting my medically

Administered lunch

As that seems to be against nature

An aberration

And no one wants to go out

As a ‘freak’ of nature

A display too terrible

To lay eyes upon.

 

If we knew

How’d it be

We’d take matter into our own hands

While we still had the power to use them.

 

Instead, we take the gamble

And watch the lights dim

Hoping the night doesn’t deliver

A nightmare

Too terrible to be real.

 

From a Natural News article about Norwegian Homes, 2017

Clearly not everyone ends up in a Home and not all of them are like this. The point being, if you knew that you would end up this way, you'd take matters into your own hands.

Ironically, both of my Grandmother's ended up in Nursing Homes (last resort of course), and both died within two weeks. Neither wanted to be there. The mind is powerful. You can will yourself to die. I said this when my Grandmother went in this year, as she had stated she'd had enough. She died a week later. I also witnessed it multiple times in my work. 

Both of my Grandfathers did not end up in homes. Both also died quite suddenly, albeit thirty years apart. 

I'm sure you've got your own personal story. Please feel free to share if you wish. 

Peace

(And love to my dear Grandparents, Vinnie and Carmel, Stan and Nell. All beautiful, strong people).

A.J. Langford Books

Young, with much to learn. The hard way

 

Young, staring down the barrel

 

I trusted him

And that was a big mistake.

 

I believed her

Every heart felt word

While she kissed me back

Before trashing

The love I exposed.

 

I never believed

That fate

Wasn’t mine

To control.

 

Now I know better

At such cost

That I resolve never

To feel that pain again.

 

And end up

Shutting out

All the goodness

Open to me.

 

Such is the price

Of knowledge

Of the ways of people

And the life

We must endure.

 

That pain is inevitable

And that it is happiness

That readily eludes us.

 

The only real option

Is to dive in

Or crawl dry

And risk free

Through a life

Devoid of opportunity

Where euphoria

Knows your name

Never.

 

22.1.24            10.40 pm

 

Source: nuisms.com/images/life-is-risk

What are your thoughts on love?
And for that matter, on happiness in general? And risk. And depression. And one's 'default state' as it were. Sum it up your own way. Just share your thoughts. 

Love to hear your view.

Peace

Anthony

Love failing

Fragile beings we are, as Yoda may have once said. (Or sounds like said, he may). 

Peace to you, no matter your situation.

'Life is cruel, Life is tough

Life is crazy, then it all turns to dust.'

Tears for Fears - The Tipping Point

Peace to you, no matter your situation.

Head off at the pass

There’s little

To draw from

A trickle

Once a tenacious flow

Now bare moisture on rocks

Passion monochrome

Deflated

Sucking in air

Suffocating fish gasps.

Inevitability laden

It all ends

Yet must remain unexpected

Sharp revelations

Rejection

Dismissal

The lover who finally

Called it void

When optimism kept you breathing.

Betrayal is often obvious

(For the discerning)

Therefore self-sacrifice

Is the ultimate victor

Minus a winner.

2014. 

Was initially to be included in the 2018 book... Allowing a love to die... but I dropped it.

How does it make you feel? Any thoughts on it? A relationship story you'd care to relate? 

Take care for now

Chat soon.

Peace and love

Anthony

She suffers

 

My partner has been sick for five months. Getting an answer has been very hard. Watching her suffer, beyond words.

Her stolen life

 

She ain’t coming back

Cooked and withered

Gone to that place

Where only body exists

Such is the demands

Of physical pain.

 

Health

The great handbrake

The full stop

To her plans

The anchor

To her everyday existence

Buried deep beyond

That surface layer

Where the rest of us exist.

 

And take for granted.

 

The agony she often endures

Isn’t the worst of it.

 

Where is she going?

What is the solution?

Only answers to nowhere

And the un-merry-go-round

Of uncertainty.

 

Its treachery bites to the core.

 

Without a plan

There’s no hope

Seemingly too costly

To offer.

 

So, all we can do

Is deliver well meaning platitudes

While she sails that ship alone

Knowing there’s no destination

And curse the unhearing void

For the unjust theft

Of a healthy young life

A crime of magnitude

With no consequences

For the guilty.

 

 

20.9.23

 

The story continues...

A.J. Langford Books

Life can surprise you and I certainly found that in a big way

 

Almost eleven months ago, something crazy happened to me. It's quite personal. I may regret posting this but my heart is on my sleeve. Read on at your own risk.

The poem tells the story. Written eight months ago.

The Reignition

 

It’s an obvious point

It still needs

To be said.

 

She makes me feel young

Reminds me of what

It was like

And how fresh and open

And naive

I must have been.

 

That impulsiveness

Living in the moment

The lack of plans

Mostly looking forward

Not back

The excitement of new love

The obsession with the other

The ecstasy of sex

And lots of it.

 

Something new

Not previously lived

Not merely another experience

Measured against the previous one.

 

And yet,

It must also be said

That I cannot pretend

That I am not middle aged

And feel frustrations

In certain behaviours

That only exist

In the early stages of adulthood.

 

I must exercise tolerance

Refrain from condemnation

Or to proffer advice

And simply be in the moment too.

 

It’s almost like being

In a three-way relationship

The third being me

My younger self

How would he react?

Did he do things like this?

 

He’s watching too

And whispering

And laughing

Out of my mouth

The young man

Given voice once more

After being silenced

For decades.

 

Or is he the actual one

Honouring me

With the breath of life?

Thought retreated

Aged to oblivion.

 

There’s a spring in the step

A glint in the eye

A smoothing over

Of entrenched social graces

A flight in the laughter

An alluring joy

That I surely

Have no right to.

 

And yet,

Here I am

Living it

Blessed.

 

 

5.8.22 5.35 pm

I wasn't seeking younger, though she was seeking older. (And no I'm not wealthy). It is what it is. As I said, a surprise. I'm sure not everyone agrees with it but the only people we have to make happy is each other. Most have actually been great.

As to how long it lasts, who knows? Same as any other relationship. A day at a time. Almost a year in, it's working just fine. 

How will you be when you're old? Sitting on a porch? 

Posted this recently. If you haven't seen it, watch on YouTube HERE

Coming next week,

I wrote a movie!

My unproduced feature length screenplay, Travel Bug, based on some of my travels when I was young. Written in 2005. It's fun and more than a bit crazy. 

Valentines Day - Falling in love and being vulnerable

 Hi,

Whether you're single or not, I think you can relate to this.

Valentine's Day post

Valentine's Day sucks! Love sucks!

At least, it does until...

A poem about romantic feelings and realising you're suddenly vulnerable.

Kamikaze Love Life

It began to dawn on me

After earlier

Not so gentle

Life experiences

That it wasn’t them

It was me.

I rushed headlong in

Where angels fear to tread

So, I ain’t one of them

I’m the fool

Who did it

To his own damn self.

Maybe it was love I sought

Or was it simply an outlet

In human form?

Pent up emotions

Unsatiated

Unfulfilled

Nowhere to go

Until suddenly there was.

Dump

And Invest.

No wonder they had

Such power over me

I had given it

All away

Until I was empty

And wanting something in return

Needy

And defenceless.

I did it to myself

No wonder

I put up the wall.

I just hadn’t noticed

That I had wandered around it

Like that fool

Disarmed

Once more.

22.7.22

12.20 am

Written after I met someone and wondering what the hell I was doing.

(Postscript - 22.7.24 Exactly two years to the day after I wrote that. We did indeed fall in love. It just ended but the love between us remains. We're still close).

Not having control in any situation can be scary. Yet that type of emotional fragility that is reliant on another person is daunting. At least, it is when you're young. Being older there is more control. 

Can you relate to any of that? Not being in control? Feeling exposed? Whether it's a new relationship or some other emotional situation.

Peace.

A.J. Langford Books