I've never felt like this in my life. (Will I regret posting this?)

 

I've never felt like this before.

You think you know it all... until you don't.

(trigger warning)

Sometimes life hits you in the guts, when you least expect it.

The below was written in May, 2024. I've come a long way since. I'm so grateful for my life now. Warning, it's pretty dire to read. Yet, I meant every word. Living it daily was hell.

It also took me a long time to get past it. Worst two years of my life. It was very scary and has returned somewhat in the past couple of months, thankfully not as extreme. Prolonged emotional stress made an impact. Too much, too soon.

(July '26 update; I drafted this post in February 2026. I had four good months, then a steady decline from March until where I'm at now. Not quite back in the worst of it but in a pretty bad place. Fuck it, I'm sharing it anyway).

Pained Firsts

 

I don’t want to sound so extreme

It’s how it is

And must be said.

 

I have never felt more trapped

I have never felt more suffocated

I have never felt so helpless

I have never felt so miserable

I have never felt so alone

I have never felt so damned

No matter the decisions.

 

I have never felt so uninterested

In all things

That once provided joy

I have never felt

That the future

Held nothing for me

I have never felt such a pull towards death

I have never felt

That there was no-one to live for

Despite my wish

Not to hurt them.

 

I have never felt

That each day

Was a gruelling endurance test

With only sporadic minutes

Of respite.

 

I rarely write poetry

Completely sober

This is that rarity

Which is why it’s so honest 

And frightening.

 

I wish someone would cut me loose

Before I do it myself.

 

1 a.m.

10.5.24

A lot of this is because of severe anti-depressant withdrawal, (story here) meaning my coping mechanisms were very low. So in a time of high stress, my nervous system basically collapsed. It thought I was constantly in danger and I was in constant fight or flight mode. Not just mental. Very physical too. I was shutting down. I coudln't sleep more than 5 hrs a night. I couldnt rest. Couldn't see a way out. I get why people 'un-alive' themselves. I thought about it a lot. Often daily. I had plans. I feel lucky that I did get out of it. I just have to maintain a peaceful life as possible. 

Depression, anxiety etc come to many at some point to some degree or other. Part of life. But throwing in a drug that messes with your brain into the mix makes it a nightmare. There were other factors too that I won't go into here. 

I've always had anxiety, since a child and had periodic panic attacks (many think they know what they are but have never actually had one. Being panicky is not the same as the terror filled adrendline that pumps through your body. You feel like you're dying). Essentially now, I have a panic disorder. It makes the most basic of living, difficult. A quiet day off at home can be a nightmare. My brain won't shut off catasptrophic thinking. Living in fear. Trapped. My body is in fight or flight mode, making it impossible to relax. Impossible to control my thoughts.

I know this is way too much information. I''m sure most haven't read this far. Everyone is focused on their own thing. You find these things out in time of crisis. Who is there and who isnt.

I leave this more of a record. Incase something happens. I don't kid myself that I'm 'raising awareness'. I'm really just sharing a poem with you. And hope that one day, my daughter (now 15) may find some interest in it.

Peace to you.

Anthony

 

Website - Books, videos, short films, free downloads

https://anthonyjlangford.wixsite.com/writer

AJL Facebook Author Page

AJL YouTube Channel

Love out of Control - A Valentine's Day Special

 

The unrehearsed Dance of Love

A Valentine's Day Special

Hi,

How are you going? 

If youre not a romantic or beleive in Valentine's Day, this post is still for you. There's a video and a poem. The poem is not what you may think.

 

Some things can only be experienced for the first time. Even if we've done something similiar before. Even if we've been in prior relationships. New people, new dynamics to navigate. Nothing is ever truly the same twice.

Before the poem however, is this new TikTok I made. 

Watch 

One Thing that makes Life Worthwhile

 

HERE

The endless equation

 

Simplicity is our aim

Complexity is the game

That we ultimately navigate

With mixed results

In spite of

The easy entry procedure.

 

Peace and love

Is what we seek

Unravelled

In part

By our own emotional decisions

The perpetrators of our own undoing.

 

Now couple that

With the mis-stepped

Dance of Another

And it’s no mystery

As to why it

So often ends

In the far flung

Field of misery

From those

Initial, basic, wholesome yearnings.

 

 

1.2.24  8.15 pm

 

I'm an old romantic at heart. 

I'd like to think that Love conquers all. 

It's certainly a very strong, primal yearning that cannot be denied.

Happy Valentines Day

Love 

Anthony

Love and Regret - An ongoing story

No introduction needed. It's clear what it represents. 

Not only for where I'm at now, but for others who have been through similiar, contemplating it, or never to experience it. 

I'm an emotional person. Perhaps too sensitive. But I don't shy away from that. 

Love, regret and reality

 

Sitting alone

With my thoughts

Her

On Repeat

Imagined scenarios

(What you might be up to)

And possibilities of Us

Never to be.

 

I am the Composer

Of my own pain Orchestra

Caught in the sound cycle

Unable to down volume.

 

I don’t know how

To switch it off.

 

The most intense relationship

I’ve experienced

It almost killed me

My nervous system collapsed

I didn’t want to live

I couldn’t see a way out.

 

Yet now,

I bypass the damaging behaviours

And think solely

Of your many good traits

And your beauty

And your touch

The love we shared

Knowing

I’ll never hold you again.

It kills me.

 

Actioned by me

Believing,

Rightly

That there was no other option.

 

I gave it my all

And more

It brought me undone

Yet, I miss you

And wish against reality’s

Unflinching harshness

That there

Could have been

Another way.

 

 

4.1.26  11.50 pm

More Poetry

AJL Books

Love Lost, but what's the Cost?

 

An experiment with a traditional rhyming poem

Mixed with the concept of a lyric based song.

Search Part – Love Lost

 

Take your chances

Out there alone

A world of indifference

Chill you to the bone.

 

Grass appears greener

Where the sun always shines

Wait ‘til the night falls

Where the outlook is not sublime.

 

I’m a trick of the light

A mirage deceiving sight

You could bring me home to roost

If you only you could

Discover the truth

No language, no words

A sign language mismatch

Merely a clash of swords

Leaving you spinning

Out there alone

Loud echoes to your cries

Chill you to the bone.

 

You came to find me

I’d given up and gone

‘You don’t know what you’ve got’

You had called as a con.

 

Now it’s you who suffers most

A penniless wanderer

Forever counting the cost.

 

I seek a mere smile

Out there alone

But the years have passed

And worn me to the bone

Worn me out

Unsown.

 

 

 

(Post Valentines Day - 2016)

I wanted to try and write a traditional rhyming poem

Coupled with the concept of a lyric based song

Mixed with my own style of poem.

An experiment, if you will.

Did it work?

 

Anthony J. Langford Books | Australian writer

Allowing a love to die is not murder - Meditations on Love - Available to Purchase

 

Meditations on love & loss,

in an easily digestible poetry format. 

​

Don't let the word poetry deceive you. These are snapshots at life, some based on true incidents and people, of the difficulty and absurdity of human relationships.

(Much was written in the lead up and process of the break up of my long term partner, so there's real and painful truth in there).

 

Not to be missed.

Like all books, can be signed/inscribed if you wish. Makes for a perfect gift. 

Simply email me at anthonyjlangford2@yahoo.com.au

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Purchase Pseudo Stars HERE

Purchase PERVE HERE

Purchase Us and Them HERE

Purchase A Refugee's Rage HERE

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Purchase Bottomless River HERE

I saw things I did not want to see

 

I worked part-time in a Nursing Home for five years. This after working in the media for thirty. Needless to say it was a massive eye opener.

I wrote this one day around 2016.

There are things, worse than death

 

I contemplate my death

One more time

Too many, to be natural

As the sun dies

And the birds retire

And my gut aches again

Something I’m not sure of

And I know something gets us all

But I hope it’s not that.

A sudden head slump

Heart attack please

No extras

Just make it quick.

 

Ah I’m sorry sir

But that’s our most requested

And there’s no guarantee of delivery

 

I’ll have it sooner

Rather than later, I say.

 

I don’t mind the rush

As long as I don’t end up

With a P.O.W. type frame

Shitting my medically

Administered lunch

As that seems to be against nature

An aberration

And no one wants to go out

As a ‘freak’ of nature

A display too terrible

To lay eyes upon.

 

If we knew

How’d it be

We’d take matter into our own hands

While we still had the power to use them.

 

Instead, we take the gamble

And watch the lights dim

Hoping the night doesn’t deliver

A nightmare

Too terrible to be real.

 

From a Natural News article about Norwegian Homes, 2017

Clearly not everyone ends up in a Home and not all of them are like this. The point being, if you knew that you would end up this way, you'd take matters into your own hands.

Ironically, both of my Grandmother's ended up in Nursing Homes (last resort of course), and both died within two weeks. Neither wanted to be there. The mind is powerful. You can will yourself to die. I said this when my Grandmother went in this year, as she had stated she'd had enough. She died a week later. I also witnessed it multiple times in my work. 

Both of my Grandfathers did not end up in homes. Both also died quite suddenly, albeit thirty years apart. 

I'm sure you've got your own personal story. Please feel free to share if you wish. 

Peace

(And love to my dear Grandparents, Vinnie and Carmel, Stan and Nell. All beautiful, strong people).

A.J. Langford Books

Young, with much to learn. The hard way

 

Young, staring down the barrel

 

I trusted him

And that was a big mistake.

 

I believed her

Every heart felt word

While she kissed me back

Before trashing

The love I exposed.

 

I never believed

That fate

Wasn’t mine

To control.

 

Now I know better

At such cost

That I resolve never

To feel that pain again.

 

And end up

Shutting out

All the goodness

Open to me.

 

Such is the price

Of knowledge

Of the ways of people

And the life

We must endure.

 

That pain is inevitable

And that it is happiness

That readily eludes us.

 

The only real option

Is to dive in

Or crawl dry

And risk free

Through a life

Devoid of opportunity

Where euphoria

Knows your name

Never.

 

22.1.24            10.40 pm

 

Source: nuisms.com/images/life-is-risk

What are your thoughts on love?
And for that matter, on happiness in general? And risk. And depression. And one's 'default state' as it were. Sum it up your own way. Just share your thoughts. 

Love to hear your view.

Peace

Anthony

Love failing

Fragile beings we are, as Yoda may have once said. (Or sounds like said, he may). 

Peace to you, no matter your situation.

'Life is cruel, Life is tough

Life is crazy, then it all turns to dust.'

Tears for Fears - The Tipping Point

Peace to you, no matter your situation.

Head off at the pass

There’s little

To draw from

A trickle

Once a tenacious flow

Now bare moisture on rocks

Passion monochrome

Deflated

Sucking in air

Suffocating fish gasps.

Inevitability laden

It all ends

Yet must remain unexpected

Sharp revelations

Rejection

Dismissal

The lover who finally

Called it void

When optimism kept you breathing.

Betrayal is often obvious

(For the discerning)

Therefore self-sacrifice

Is the ultimate victor

Minus a winner.

2014. 

Was initially to be included in the 2018 book... Allowing a love to die... but I dropped it.

How does it make you feel? Any thoughts on it? A relationship story you'd care to relate? 

Take care for now

Chat soon.

Peace and love

Anthony