Suffering? You need this.
Watch YouTube Short HERE
How does that resonate for you?
Here's another little video I made.
How to protect your inner self.
Watch on YouTube Shorts HERE
Showing posts with label Anti-depressants. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anti-depressants. Show all posts
The biggest step of all - (depression trigger warning).
I debated if I should share this or not.
Large steps
If I choose
To kill myself
Despite the positives in my life
Despite the future unknown
Which may deliver better
It’s still my choice to make.
Undoubtedly misguided
In the overall scope of life
But entirely reasonable
In the short term.
Escape is attractive.
Clearly it’s not a brief solution
Or any solution
Other than a hasty emotional peak
Such is the nature
Of us.
Retrospect comes later
Not an inbuilt equaliser
Or people wouldn't explode
The way they do
Rarely
Is common sense a factor.
I simply hear that calling
More often
Than I’d like.
It’s always been there
But never so consistent
Over many months
If not all year.
It’s a big step
I know
I’m not ready to take the plunge
Though I am staring down
That hole
Enticed away from sturdy ground
And I don’t know why.
The chasm widens.
12.11.23
10.20 pm
I don't want pity or attention so please, no need to comment. It's trying to find voice to my feelings in a creative way. A form of therapy perhaps, I don't know. I'm happy at times and I'm seeking help to improve things. My girlfriend was pretty unwell and ended up in hospital around that time. A lot of stress with that and other things, which I won't go into. A major one being my anti-depressant struggle. That alone makes normal life a slog.
(I wrote this almost 8 years ago about suicide, particularly in regards to men. Not enough attention to men )
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I share it not for any delusions of 'raising awareness' or a 'cry for help'. In the same way I share other poetry and videos and fiction. A creative expression of emotion, embedded in truth. That's my thing.
Like it, share it, but no need to comment. Thanks.
Pathetic
This was written during a drinking night. I'd never normally write something like this sober. I already regret posting it. I regretted it while writing it.
Express Journey
I express into the Void
And perhaps always have
Rarely
Does anyone relate to the work
Especially this, the Poetry
Unless vague enough
That they misconstrue.
Perhaps that’s why
It’s been months
Since I’ve written anything.
It’s not as though
A whole book
Had an impact
Or even a dent
(Us & Them)
The disappointment
Drowns me often.
So, I’ll wax lyrical
Into a blank mirror
And nurse the emptiness
Like the real thing
It is
A baby I birthed
Spawned by others
And the more I talk about it
The more pathetic I feel.
I’m not a Marketer
And maybe I’m not much
Of anything
Or I surely would have
Reached people by now.
No longer will I
Shout
Or voice into the Void
But merely whisper
And retreat quietly
In the same way
I emerged.
3.9.23 10.20pm
The failure of Us & Them caused me to bust after 14 months sober. I feel like I've failed. Not just that book but my whole life. How do you let go of dreams you've had since 8 years old?
I am grateful for the readers I have. Four people who always support me. They are wonderful (you know who you are). And three family members. Without them I wouldn't have made it this far. But there is no one else.
I thought that book with it's more positive approach (and dedication to Sally) might garner some interest, (none of her family and friends did bar one) and the cumulative affect of years of putting my work out.
Pathetic I know.
I am grateful to have my physical health (mental not so good plus my anti-depressant withdrawal issues). I am grateful for my girlfriend (she has an illness but that's another story.). I am grateful for my daughter (going through the teen period now but that's another story). Those things are getting to me though.
I have work and a roof over my head so I'm not complaining about my life in general.
I deal with it most of the time and push on and say nothing. But occasionally it gets to me. I have other novels ready to go, mostly Young Adult but it's so much work and it costs me a lot too. How do I let it go?
Forgive me.
Anti-depressants and why you don't need them. (Part 2/2 - Solutions)
Drugs are over prescribed
If anti-depressants work, why do so many people still have depression? Why are there more people depressed now than ever? Particularly in an era when more people around the world are medicated than at any time in history.
Part One - The Problems Here
Part Two
Alternatives
In any regard, anti-depressants are really a simple bandaging of the problem. Sure some people with severe mental health problems need to be on medication. Schizophrenia for example. I'm talking about your everyday person. So many more people are on them now compared to even twenty years ago.
There are many things people can do to help themselves.
Exercise. Even basic walking every day can help stimulate endorphins. It's also good to get out into the fresh air and away from the home. Sitting at home can stimulate depression and anxiety. Our bodies need to move. Do something daily, even if it's only stretching at home. I guarantee afterwards you will feel better, even if only 20%. It's better than where you were before.
Diet. I find sugar and coffee can increase mental health problems. Put Crap In, Get Crap Out. Doesn't mean you have to go all natural etc. on some horrendous diet. Just eat decently and avoid too much sugar. That includes drinking enough water too. Avoiding alcohol and drugs is an obvious one. They help short term, for a few hours, but kick your ass in the days afterwards.
Sleep. Without good quality sleep, life is shit. Let's face it. Prioritize trying to get enough hours to sleep. Don't stay up all night. Whatever you need to do, aim for eight hours. Get a routine going. Get up at a certain time, even if you didn't get enough sleep. That night you will be extra tired and sleep much better. It's crucial for your mental well being.
Reduce stress. Again, whatever you need to do, walk away from stressful situations. Let go of things that you have no control of. Which is most things in life, for us all. Simplify your life. It definitely helped me. Stress on it's own is a killer.
Tech/Social Media. Get off the tech. It's an obvious one but our obsession with our phones etc. is making us depressed. It gives us a quick fix perhaps but studies have proven that people become envious of others and their 'great lives' (a misrepresentation) and ultimately lowers our self-esteem. It's also cutting ourselves from real life connections in lieu of 'catching up' electronically. Many, if not most, spend more time with their phone than any one real person.
Meditation. This works for some. Even some deep breathing exercises, (there are many good ones on YouTube) can help. Try sitting for ten minutes once a day, if not several times, and just concentrate on your breathing. Let go of internal negative thoughts.
Counselling. It's often hard to pinpoint the problem. Or you know the problem but don't know how to fix it. Either way, talking with someone can help you get to the core of your issues. They can also provide good coping mechanisms to suit your particular needs.
Other people. Being with others can be difficult, though just one or two good friends can be of benefit. Being alone is often sought when depressed but having company can lift us. A sympathetic ear is often all we need. Not advice.
Distractions. There are many techniques to get out of your own head. A good distraction can really help. Some do exercise. Binge watching TV isn't a great one as you're inactive, which can exacerbate the problem. Journaling can help you get feelings off your chest. Get outdoors. Do something. Start a craft. Something physical with the hands. Even doing household chores can help.
Gratitude. There are good things in life, even if it's hard to see. Write down a few of them and repeat them over every day. You'll be surprised what's already right in front of you. You just have to get them through to your subconscious through repetition. Write them down every day, or at least, read them back every day.
Purpose. We all need it. Without it, we stagnate. What's yours? Don't have one? Find one.
Journaling. Writing your feelings down can help you sort out where the problems are. It's a healing process in and of itself and incredibly beneficial. The act of using hands and contemplation alone is good. Practice that gratitude especially.
Don't forget this resource. Coping Techniques A to Z | The Withdrawal Project Even if not withdrawing it has many great techniques for mental health problems.
Can you rewire your brain without drugs? Watch HERE
Getting out of the negative. Watch
There's a whole array of videos of course on this subject. Start exploring. The school of thought is changing.
Summary
These suggestions are not enough on their own. It's a multi faceted approach. All of them working together will help with a large proportion of problems, if not more. Being out in nature alone is good for the mood. Even a park. We did not evolve living in concrete. Neither is a pill a magic solution. There are none.
Some problems can be lifelong. Mine certainly have been. Over forty-five years. However, if I knew even some of those suggestions when I was young my life would have been much better. My mother took me to a doctor as a teenager. I was told I had Hypoglycemia and to avoid sugar. They were clueless. I ended up self medicating when I discovered alcohol from 16 onwards. After a few close calls, assaults, accidents, overdoses, it wasn't until my late 30's when I was prescribed anti-depressants. They helped. Briefly. A few years perhaps. When they stopped working, that's when I tried to come off. And the horror began.
I am not a health professional so seek your own advice, though be careful with doctors as they are the vessel with which drug companies pass. Seek counselling before a doctor. Unless of course, you're considering self harm and are in desperate straits, in which case a pill may help short term. I'm merely saying there are alternatives that should be explored in addition to, or in place of medication.
Mental issues are bad enough but having to deal with horrendous, possibly permanent withdrawals/side effects from drugs can make your life a living nightmare, which some people never recover from.
Peace.
Get in touch if you have questions etc. anthonyjlangford@yahoo.com.au
The terrifying rise of anti-depressants and why you don't need them. (Part 1/2 The problems)
Drugs are not a magic solution, yet are being over prescribed
If anti-depressants work, why do so many people still have depression? Why are there more people depressed now than ever? Particularly in an era when more people around the world are medicated than at any time in history.
In America anti-depressant use rose from an average of 10.2% in 2009/10 to 13.2% in 2017/18. (https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/products/databriefs/db377.htm)
In Australia, 17.7% of the adult population filled a mental health related medication in 2020/1. (https://www.aihw.gov.au/mental-health/topic-areas/mental-health-prescriptions)
Alarmingly, the amount of children prescribed medication for ADHD in Australia, more than doubled from 2014 to 2020 and in some cases, tripled. (https://cchr.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/Numbers-on-drugs-for-ADHD-2020.pdf)
Usage per country https://www.statista.com/statistics/283072/antidepressant-consumption-in-selected-countries/
(All sources are from official Government sites).
Are people suddenly far more depressed than they were just a few years ago? With technology obsession on the rise and more people isolating from others, possibly, (which tells you part of the problem) but it's clear that doctors are doling out drugs at a terrifying rate, rather than offering alternatives. Many receive kickbacks from pharmaceuticals for new 'subscribers.'
My horror journey
Anti-depressants ruined my life. You can read about it here. Basically I have to come off very slowly now and I suffer from some permanent side effects ever since I went cold turkey, not knowing what would happen. Permanent tinnitus in both ears. Dizziness. Increased anxiety (ironically). Heart palpitations and more.
I'm now three years into a four year taper. My only hope is that once I'm free of it, my body can begin to recover. But it may never. I'll have to wait and see.
Sure they're a short term fix for some but it's a bit like bandaging a leg that's broken and continuing to walk on it. If you're not addressing the cause of the depression or anxiety then it's only going to resurface. I learnt this the hard way.
Many people who find themselves suddenly depressed go to the doctor, often under pressure from others, rather than addressing what the problem is. A lot of depression is situational. Short term depression from problems is normal.
Anti-depressants are ultimately harmful
The problem with anti-depressants is that they are very addictive and can lead to major, possibly life long or life ending problems when attempting to come off. Read my story here. They ruined my life. I just didn't know what I was in for.
Many of these drugs haven't been around long enough for the proper assessment of the negative aspects. And where do people go if they are experiencing problems? Back to the doctor who gave them out in the first place, who often increase the dosage. There's just not enough research being done on the side effects, mostly because pharmaceuticals companies are suppressing the information and many general practitioners are literal sales reps for these drug dispensers. I've had doctors tell me it's all in my head while I've found a couple who knew about the problems.
Not all drugs are bad. I've been on several that were easy enough to come off. (They didn't do anything to help either). And not all people suffer from withdrawal but many do and it's horrific. And avoidable.
I'm a member of a Facebook Group, Cymbalta Hurts Worse with 35,000 members, and that's just one of many groups regarding this particular drug, Cymbalta/Duloxetine. We all have the same problems (though to varying degrees). This drug is nasty, make no mistake. People have taken their own lives. Many give up, unable to ever come off. More details on my original post.
This is Dose vs Occupancy rate.
It shows how a 30mg dose is not half of a 60mg. As one example.
It's the same for tapering off. Once you get to a low amount it becomes increasingly harder and slower to get off completely.
From a 2021 Medical Review;
Watch - Reshaping the brain naturally. How neuroplasticity helps us shape who we become
Go to Part Two for Drug Alternatives that work
Peace.
I am not a medical professional. Seek your own advice. However, get in touch if you have questions. anthonyjlangford@yahoo.com.au
I'm struggling with drug withdrawal and anxiety
Hi,
I don't think I've posted something this personal before. And not this current. Only wrote it a few days ago. I'm hesitant to do as it reeks of self pity but it wasn't written with the intent of sharing. Merely as a means of coping/exploring how I'm feeling.
(Exacerbated significantly by drug withdrawal. See recent post on my anti-depressant problem).
I'll share it quickly now before I change my mind.
The struggle
Sometimes
Like now
(Increasing in frequency)
I feel like I’ve lost my ability
To write
To create
I’ve lost my drive
And my confidence.
Inversely
(If that’s even the right word)
I struggle to cope
With normal life
With work
School runs
Driving anyplace
Facing people
Checking emails
And texts.
Fronting up to social media
Pretending everything’s alright
(I need it to promote my work)
Mostly I avoid it
Tired of the façade
Tired of the fear
Tired of the struggle
(Insert more creative phrases).
I hope it’s merely
Cymbalta withdrawal
Yet, it’s coming up five years now
So, I forget my prior self
I’m unable to determine
The differences
All lost in the fog.
All I know
Is that it’s getting harder
And it feels like
I’m running out of time
As though my body knows
I’m dying
But I haven’t been given
The prognosis yet.
Oddly
I don’t appear to mind
I’m not regretful
Or sad
Just tired
So very tired
And a little grateful
For all the good things
That have happened to me
And to my youth
That I enjoyed
And that I have lived fully
Unlike some of my friends.
Perhaps more than a little grateful.
I do hope
To be free of this poison
And that I many begin to recover
Physically and mentally
And restore
Those aforementioned losses
As I can’t go on like this
Not indefinitely.
Today
I’ve slowed my tapering rate
Hoping to improve
My quality of life
As much as I want off
I still have to live
And function
And work
And deal with the swings
Of parenting a teenager
While maintaining our relationship.
That’s going to be tough.
There are still plenty of highs
And I must keep up appearances, what?
Yet, today I needed to transcribe
The internal conundrums
That is the waking conflict
Against the self.
24.10.22 7.30 pm
(Not after any pity please. I'm not lamenting my life. I'm quite happy. This is the effect of anxiety AND of anti-depressant withdrawal (PAWS). But if you know someone on anti-depressants, or thinking of taking them, especially Cymbalta, worth sharing).
Worth knowing too that if I'm feeling good I will rarely write about it. I'm getting on with life. While I almost always battle, often if I'm actually at work or with others, I'm okay. I kind of fake it in front of others until I believe it myself. It's when I have to drive, or when I'm on my own or in a stressful situation that it's at it's worst. But it's always there.
Example, the tinnitus, brain fog etc is 24/7. The anxieties are bearable most of the time. Sometimes I have to pop a valium or lay on the couch. I've been trying breathing meditation and cool showers. I don't drink alcohol anymore and have cut back on sugar and coffee. (A lot of sugar definitely increases anxiety).
Exercise, sleep, diet, all these things help. Which is the approach doctors should be taking to treat people, not just shoving a fucking pill down their throats. The pill which has now increased my problems, not made them better. (Original Cymbalta post here. )
Something to be said for pushing through too. But there sure are times when nothing works.
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| Where I do all my writing, (always handwrite) with the current poetry book. |
No more navel gazing! Thanks for your patience.
My diverse story and poetry collection Us & Them should have been out by now but should be out in two weeks maximum.
Please get yourself or a friend a copy as I'm not doing any new writing now aside from the odd poem. This will be the last book for some time.
Take care
Peace
My anti-depressant nightmare - A warning for others
This isn't a creative post. It's real. And it's long overdue I spoke about it.
(Oct. '22)
The Problem
Cold Turkey
In my late thirties, I was put on anti-depressants Cymbalta, (also known as Duloxetine) after a type of breakdown.
12 years later, I decided to come off them as I was still struggling mentally and it seemed pointless. I aimed to do a reset.
Within one day, withdrawal effects began. Within a few days, they were huge.
- Increased heart rate (palpations)
- Dizziness
- Constant tinnitus in both ears, 24-7
- Increased anxiety (near panic). Not being able to cope.
- Highly emotional. Crying etc.
- Depression.
- Brain fog (difficulty concentrating etc)
- 'Brain zaps' - a type of electric shocks through the body. Hard to explain but many others complain of the same problem.
They were pretty severe effects. After a week, there was no decrease. I thought surely it would get better. I'd already suffered enough so I thought it would be like heroin and just had to push on through the cold turkey.
It NEVER got better. A few days later I got the doctor to put me onto another anti-depressant but it didn't help. After weeks of this, I was ready to do myself in. When your mind is affected it is very hard to see outside of that. In other words, the enemy is not just the drug. It's your own brain.
I went back on the damn thing. I had lasted 54 days. In all that time, the withdrawal effects never got better. Not even 5%.
Re-instating
After re-instating, the brain zaps disappeared but everything else remained. Just not quite as severe. I still have all those effects. I have PAWS. (Protracted Acute Withdrawal Syndrome). It will be five years in January. I've never been the same since.
During this time I began doing research and found that many others were in the same position. I found a Facebook Group, one of many actually, called Cymbalta Hurts Worse, with 35,000 members. Most from the U.S. but other parts of the world too.
I learnt that most had the exact same problems. It even has a name. Cymbalta Discontinuation Syndrome. Some had taken their own lives. There was a class action against the pharmaceutical company Eli-Lily. They settled out of court. They kept on with operations as normal. Doctors are no use because there's limited medical material published on these problems. It's been buried. I found one Doctor who knew about it but most think it's the patient's delusions. (Mental health problems, correct?). My normal doctor put me through the ringer to find out what was causing my dizziness etc. Heart test (overnight). Sleep test. MRI scan. etc. Nothing was found.
Tapering
I learnt about tapering. Proper tapering. Not just morphing from one drug to another over a month as doctors would have you do. This group has many files you can download, including how to taper slowly, how to live with different symptoms and a copy of the original clinical trials. There was never any long-term human studies done. There was one done on rats that showed that it was passed from mother to baby in the milk. And still, they passed it. If you've seen the 2021 series Dopesick, you'll understand how this happens.
I was supposed to taper slowly. Very slowly. They recommended drops between 2.5% to 5%. 10% at most. I wanted off it asap and tried it at 10% but failed. The side effects were too much. I let things settle awhile and tried again at 5% but failed again.
Finally, I began doing it properly. I believe the longer you've been on the drug, the more significant the chemical changes to your brain (that's how the damn thing 'makes you better' after all) and the longer it comes to take off. I now drop one bead every six days. You have to tip out all the tiny beads from the capsule and count them back in. Each capsule does not have the exact same number of beads. I found that out the hard way.
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| Me counting the beads and how I feel about it. (Down to 65 beads now, from 220). |
I've got it down to a fine art now. Any faster and I start to get highly emotional and anxious. The feeling that I can't cope with life. (Some people can't even leave their beds). And I'm already bad enough. I wake with anxiety every day. I sometimes cry for little to no reason. I struggle with normal life. I can't do physical work because of the dizziness. I had to quit my part-time job at the nursing home.
I present okay so you wouldn't know. It's not like you can physically see it. It's getting harder as I'm getting lower but I'm actually doing okay. Plenty of people don't cope at all.
(My last novel, Perve is a metaphor for the horrors of anxiety as half of it is set in a prison. I literally just transcribed how I was feeling. It was the hardest thing I've ever written, and until I'm free of this, the last).
I've been tapering properly since January 2020. At the current rate I should be off by November 2023 but people say it gets harder towards the end. You have to listen to your body (and mind, which can be hard to be objective), and adjust accordingly. I hope to be clear in 2024 sometime.
My only hope is that my body will start to recover once I'm free of this poison. But I may never be. Have to wait and see. The tinnitus alone is enough to drive you crazy. It's made life very difficult at times and has placed great restrictions on my life.
(May 2024 Update. I've had to hold for longer the lower I go. Sometimes a month at a time. I still have to function, work etc. I got to 20 beads then began getting seriously dizzy, anxious etc and had to go up to 21, which I held for 80 days. I'm still bad so just gone up again to 23. I've never been this bad. Extra stress in my life is probably playing a part too. I feel as though I'll never get off. And I'm barely coping. The worst I've ever been).
(August 2024) Update. I've admitted defeat. I've come too close to suicide (I had taken action) and I'm really struggling to cope with work and life. I cry a lot. I'm anxious all day. It's a living nightmare. So I've started going back up. I've gone from 23 beads (which I was on for 3 months) to 25. I will keep going up until I feel normal. Otherwise I'm just not going to make it. Every day is a battle and life just shouldn't be this hard.
If I don't stablisise... I just can't see me putting up with this for much longer. I'm already exhausted. I know people love me and I'll hurt them immensely but I'm stuck in this body. This mind. It's a living hell).
(Sept 2025). I had to go up to a full dose again. My life was in serious danger. I got so close to the goal of coming off completely but the price was far too high. I almost died. I still have strong suicidal thoughts. I don't know how I'm here.
I beleive I suffered some minor brain damage. I'm not the same person I was. I have intense anxiety, which I feel psyichally. I am improving after the nightmare of 2024 in particular, but I have a ways to go. That is, unless I have permanent damage. I no longer write. Living is a daily battle. Anti-depressants totally ruined my life. I wish I had never gone on them. Or ever tried to come off the way I did. There needs to be much more information about coming off. Pharma fucked me.
I beleive I suffered some minor brain damage. I'm not the same person I was. I have intense anxiety, which I feel psyichally. I am improving after the nightmare of 2024 in particular, but I have a ways to go. That is, unless I have permanent damage. I no longer write. Living is a daily battle. Anti-depressants totally ruined my life. I wish I had never gone on them. Or ever tried to come off the way I did. There needs to be much more information about coming off. Pharma fucked me.
(Original 2022 post continued);
I could go into more detail but if you'd like to know more, I'm happy to answer any questions. If you're on this drug it may be too late. Just don't ever go cold turkey. You're screwed.
I've been on other drugs and had no issue coming off. This one is just evil.
Talk is growing on these issues. Too late for many but at least it's happening. Certainly when I began there was nothing.
This is an excellent resource for safely coming off psychotropic drugs and tips on how to cope if you're struggling. I only found it this year. The Withdrawal Project.
I hope this helps someone.
This Ted Talk may help you dealing with the core problems. Anxiety and depression.
If you have any suggestions what I could do with this information to help others, or if you've been through similar, please leave a comment or share. Anything to make sure people know that this one drug is one to avoid.
Peace
Anthony
My new book will be out soon. Perhaps you'll be able to appreciate how much effort its taken me to put it together. It's not something that comes easy. The opposite. It's a huge struggle. Why I do it, I don't know.
(It will be the last book until I am free of this drug. I expect things to get worse as I get closer to the end).
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