The biggest step of all - (depression trigger warning).

I debated if I should share this or not. 

Large steps

 

If I choose

To kill myself

Despite the positives in my life

Despite the future unknown

Which may deliver better

It’s still my choice to make.

 

Undoubtedly misguided

In the overall scope of life

But entirely reasonable

In the short term.

Escape is attractive.

Clearly it’s not a brief solution

Or any solution

Other than a hasty emotional peak

Such is the nature

Of us.

 

Retrospect comes later

Not an inbuilt equaliser

Or people wouldn't explode

The way they do

Rarely

Is common sense a factor.

 

I simply hear that calling

More often

Than I’d like.

 

It’s always been there

But never so consistent

Over many months

If not all year.

 

It’s a big step

I know

I’m not ready to take the plunge

Though I am staring down

That hole

Enticed away from sturdy ground

And I don’t know why.

 

The chasm widens.

 

12.11.23

10.20 pm

I don't want pity or attention so please, no need to comment. It's trying to find voice to my feelings in a creative way. A form of therapy perhaps, I don't know. I'm happy at times and I'm seeking help to improve things. My girlfriend was pretty unwell and ended up in hospital around that time. A lot of stress with that and other things, which I won't go into. A major one being my anti-depressant struggle. That alone makes normal life a slog.

(I wrote this almost 8 years ago about suicide, particularly in regards to men. Not enough attention to men )

Riding with Death (1988): One of Jean-Michel Basquiat’s Last Paintings

I share it not for any delusions of 'raising awareness' or a 'cry for help'. In the same way I share other poetry and videos and fiction. A creative expression of emotion, embedded in truth. That's my thing. 

Like it, share it, but no need to comment. Thanks. 

Peace.

More Poetry

A.J. Langford Books