A new way out of Anxiety and Depression - A Hidden Exit. A Important Video that may help someone.

 

A Hidden Exit

Based on personal experiences.

ie learning shit the hard way.

Rather than go into textual detail, it's simpler if you watch this short YouTube video.

I hope it helps you. It works! But you have to work at it. Daily. 

I'm still working at it. It's an hour by hour process. And often I fail. It's hard not to trust your own feelings and thoughts especially if they're automatic and persistent. Which mine are, but that's what you have to do. 

It's essentially about neuroplasticity. It is possible to alter your brain. It's not easy. A work in progress. Stress comes along which can send you back. Your own brain can try to trick you and send you backwards. It wants you to be anxious, to protect you from danger. It wants you to be depressed. To prove that the world is against you and that you are worthless. None of these things are true. Acknowledge the feelings as theyre almost impossible to stop but keep talking yourself up. Keep going. The alternative is not an option you want.

In time, they lose their power and the world shifts. Suddenly, you're more free. Your mind is not your jailor. It's a slow process. But it works. Just keep at it.

Artist unknown.  Appears to be linked to Fine Art America

Now, to follow my own advice. As I said in the video, I've gone backwards somewhat. Which means I need to do this more.

I'm so glad I wrote this when I was feeling good and made this video because now I use it for inspiration. Because I need it. Desperately. And others will too. Please share it. I think it's a message worth sharing.

More Videos

A.J. Langford Books

Looking upwards! Mental Health Month - Part 2 of 2

 

Working towards wellness

The previous post spoke of my misery over the past year, so this will be much more positive.

Here is the second poem that I mentioned in the previous post. It was going to be another  miserable one from earlier this year but I changed it. No one wants to read of another's misery. Besides, it's much more upbeat! And I don't want to appear that I've been wallowing in it. I've been fighting hard the entire time. As my partner can testify. I want to be better! And finally, I am feeling better, albeit a long way to go. With a little helping hand, you might say. This recent poem explains all.

There's a short video below that and also something positive to end on!

Looking to a better future

Above the Abyss

 

I no longer want to die

I’ve scrambled

To be my own saviour

No self-help book or video or psych

Can do the work

That only I can do

Must do.

 

However,

I did receive a helping hand

Of sorts

From the Great Beyond

If one believes in such things

Which I don’t

And yet,

I cannot deny

That through my grandmother’s death

It forced me into a position

Of having to travel interstate

And face my difficulties

I believed impassable.

 

To rephrase

In her death

She helped me to live.

 

I did five days of travel

With the support of Taylah

And did it well

Including reading a poem I wrote

(That alone surprised me)

At her graveside service

And felt good for the

Great bulk of that trip.

 

I returned to Sydney

As did the anxiety

Which caused me to fall

Into a depressive hole

Nothing like having experienced freedom

And joy

After months of intense suffering

Only to be re-incarcerated

A form of twisted torture.

 

Since then

I’ve had the odd better day

And implemented positivity

Faked,

Over and over

Until it began to make inroads.

 

Now I’ve had a string of good days

Again, with the enforced mindset

Becoming my own Life Coach

And while there are setback days

I do believe I’m slowly emerging

Back into life

Out of the cell

Of my own design.

 

At least

I want to live

That is, its own

Sign of success.

 

 

5/5/25  11.45 pm

(My nephew’s birthday).

 

The last time I saw my grandmother, in Sept, 2023

The poem I read at my grandmother's service, Our Beloved Pioneer, appeared in a country publication too, submitted by my grandmother's son, my father.

Perhaps I'll share the full poem sometimes, if anyone is interested

Here's a short video I made about depression. Melancholy has followed me about forever and a day too but I'm also quite upbeat. An introvert and extrovert. Those who know can testify to the upbeat me. Most have not seen the other. I've learnt over the years to hide it well. Thus the nature of the mental tussle. It's an battle oft done silently. 

In the Wallows

Way back in 1992, I made a short film about a man who loses control of his mind after a series of life blows. Knowing my own mental state at times, it wasn't a huge stretch. 

Reality Unfastened

Enough misery now! Please feel free to share your story, feelings or even the post itself. It's good to talk about these things. Especially when I'm doing better. I think when people are really suffering, they're quiet. That's when others should become worried. I know I've come close to suicide many times in the past year. It scares me now when I think back to how viable an option it seemed. 

I have a ways to go but signs recently are good. Not great but trending upwards. Day at a time. Keeping calm and staying positive are my weapons. (Just don't tell a depressed person to be positive. They're too far gone. It's near impossible). 

I only became that depressed because the anxiety was so severe it made my life unbearable. It was only through some respite via cold showers, swimming and Valium plus distractions like faking it, playing music, dancing, talking to myself and the support of my girlfriend that I was able to rise enough before I could even entertain the idea of being positive. Without some daily relief, I would have taken my life. I fantasised about it. I planned it. At one point I had razor blades hidden throughout the house. It seemed the only way out. 

Enough.

Peace

Anthony

Ps I'm thinking of releasing a novel. Not sure which one yet. I've got a few. Either Ode to Dead Young Friends, based on four young people I knew who all died young or True Love Kills, also based on a true story but with a lot more fictional aspects about a teenage girl whose new school friends are involved in a terrible incident in which someone dies. 

What do you think? The anxiety doesn't want me to do anything as it's all 'dangerous' but I have to keep pushing myself. This will be quite a scary exercise, unlike when I released books in the past when it was exciting. Still, I feel the work is good and should be out there. I think. 

Let me know your thoughts about any of the above!

Ode to Dead Young Friends

A.J. Langford Books

Mental Marathon and Fatigue - (No, not an Olympics post).

Hi,

Do you have... 

Compassion fatigue?

dark-art-mental-illness Art by Rivka Korf

If you have compassion fatigue or 'mental health' burnout then maybe skip this. I get sick of my own voice on the subject at times. And there's so much talk about it now. Which is good though there's varying degrees of its intensity. Some suffer more than others. Some are more vocal. Some just want attention. Some think they have problems that are actually fairly light on. Some suffer in silence. Some forge through. Others don't make it. One thing's inescapable though, no one gets a bypass. 

This was written in March of this year, 2024.

Marathon

 

I’m keen to ‘let it go’

Though keener

To have it set me free.

 

One feeds the other

The Black Dog

Chases its tail

Or in my case

Runs from it.

 

I can laugh too

At that image

It’s as silly as it sounds

In the same way

That its heartbreakingly pointless.

 

I’ll take more suggestions

And practice them

As desperation initiates action

Though I’ve heard them all.

Thirty years

Delivers a lot of alternatives

Some of which clearly works

Or I wouldn’t be writing this

At 56.

 

It’s simply stopped working

The options have dried up

And that circular chase

Is more exhausting than ever.

 

Only so many sinews

In these old legs.

 

 

25.3.24

5.10 pm

 

It's almost a cliche. But I am very worn out. This year... so exhausting. Five months on, it is worse. I had some sort of breakdown in May/June and I'm still struggling to get back to my normal. Which wasn't fun to begin with but it's preferable to where I'm at. (Anti-depressant issues are a big player. They've screwed me up. Story here).

Sorry to be such a bore. Writing itself feels helpful. And these posts, as brief as they are. I write down something to be grateful for every day. There's always something, even if minor in the scheme of things. We all push on as long as we can. 

More Poetry

Here's something nice to end on. 

Hope you're doing reasonably well, if not great!

A.J. Langford Books

nb; just as I was finishing this post, it rained. I stood outside. It was beautiful.

Peace and love to you

Anthony

You can't escape yourself but sometimes...

 

The Ultimate Escape

trapped in your head by elmuerteunicorn74-dab3qkc at deviantart

I'm my own worst enemy. Most of my (life-long) issues are between my ears. Anxiety depression etc. 

When I wrote this four months ago, I was frustrated by it and came up with a type of solution.

Oh for God's Sake

 

It’s reached this point

As all drastic solutions do

Through a process

Of time funnelling

That realisation strikes

That the only true escape

Can be made possible

By ghosting myself.

 

I’ll shut myself

Down and out

Refuse to respond

Accept the inevitable

Acceleration

Borne of desperation

While burrowing into that hole

Head down

Arse up

Refuting acknowledgement

No matter

How hard the pounding.

 

Surely

I’ll get the hint eventually.

 

25.3.24

5.45 pm

(I was to get far worse over the following 3 months).

 

How nice it would be to be able to ghost yourself!

I think I am actually a good man. People tell me that a lot. I'm the one who struggles being within this frame.

'Caged without Walls' is a metaphor for not being able to escape yourself. It's the title of my 2013 poetry collection. The line comes from a poem in the book, I can't recall which. (Now 40% off).

This year, 2024 has been one of the worst for it. I had a difficult break-up with my girlfriend. I acknowledge much of it was my own reactions and fears. What actually matters is that my daughter is okay. My work is okay. I'm paying my bills and surviving, unlike many. My life is actually okay. But if your head isn't well, then it's a potential nightmare.

Indeed some people don't survive it at all. I hit a very low point this year. The lowest of my life. I was lucky to get out of it. I'm still struggling but working hard on getting better. I have a long ways to go for sure.

Ghosting

Do you have practices to improve your moods? Can you identify with wanting to escape, not just a situation but yourself? I'd love to hear your experience. And maybe learn from you. Despite everything I've read and heard over 'self-care' etc, I still need to hear it. And everyone's experience is not the same. 

More Poetry

A.J. Langford Books

I hope you have some peace in your life. It may be the most precious thing of all.

Until next time,

Anthony.

Video - Crackle like a record

Life is hard but sometimes the toughest battle is that within.

We're stuck in our own heads, like being caged without walls. 

This video is a poem I wrote about anxiety, written during a bad (yet endless) stretch.

Please watch Crackle HERE

Words 2020 / Video 2022

Yes, Caged without Walls is the name of my first poetry collection, published 2013. Many detail my own struggles and the struggles of others. So this is nothing new for me but now is an especially hard time.

My Anti-Depressant Nightmare

More Videos on My YouTube Channel

A.J. Langford Books

Hope you're faring okay. If not, loving life!

Peace

Anthony

The fool's dream. Is it me?

 

Everyone's got a sob story.

I've been prone to bouts of melancholia and anxiety as far back as I can remember. There was no such diagnosis in the 70's and 80's, not in rural Australia anyway, and now that I'm in my 50's and still have them as companions, I'm likely stuck with them til the end. Hence this poem. (An image version at the bottom).

Endurance and acceptance are likely the two biggest allies to adopt. If you have additional ones, more than happy to hear them. (I've reluctantly started a new medication, not an anti-depressant and starting counselling this week). 

Therapy through writing.

The fool’s dream

 

I wake with the fear

And fall asleep with hope

Knowing reality

Rarely waits patiently between both.

 

When will I learn

That there’s nothing new to learn?

The fog settled in

A long time ago

I just can’t let go

Of the sweet concept

Of a better tomorrow.

 

It’s the calling

That keeps fools dreaming

Which I should be grateful for

As temporary fantasy

Remains a release

But I recognised the lie

So far back

That I can’t be party to it

Anymore.

 

 

20.9.23 7.20 pm

Edit   27.2.24

 

A.J. Langford Books

I have far more additional stress than September last year, hence the edit in Feb. I guess and the decision to post it now. 

We all have our bullshit to deal with. A lot of mine is within my head. No escaping that.

Anyway, smile and fake it and push on. Fuck it.

Peace.

Wrap me up in alcohol

 

Blanket Love

 

Third beer in

Still the anxiety

Seeps through the legs

Like a bad blood transfusion

Reminding me of my fallibilities

And how strong

It actually is.

 

Relief will come soon

Followed by a brazenness

That I rarely feel

Though wish it were often so.

 

Or should I simply accept

The way I am?

Negative

Melancholic

And self-destructive.

 

I wouldn’t treat another

This way

Yet, I can’t silence

The inner tormentor

Who betrays me often

Whilst also keeping me honest

And real.

 

A conundrum

I can’t seem to unravel.

 

Perhaps the worst thing is

The recent realisation

That I’ll still be this way

At 75

If I make it that far

And possibly worse

And I’m already

So tired.

 

Some sanctuary then

At 55

Is still being able to

Find relief

Within the false blanket

Of booze

Which is only now

Wrapping me in its warmth.

 

Soothed

At last

For tonight only.

 

 

11.1.23  7.45 pm

First poem of 2023.

Anti-depressants and why you don't need them. (Part 2/2 - Solutions)

 Drugs are over prescribed

If anti-depressants work, why do so many people still have depression? Why are there more people depressed now than ever? Particularly in an era when more people around the world are medicated than at any time in history.

Part One - The Problems Here

Part Two

Alternatives

In any regard, anti-depressants are really a simple bandaging of the problem. Sure some people with severe mental health problems need to be on medication. Schizophrenia for example. I'm talking about your everyday person. So many more people are on them now compared to even twenty years ago.

There are many things people can do to help themselves. 

Exercise. Even basic walking every day can help stimulate endorphins. It's also good to get out into the fresh air and away from the home. Sitting at home can stimulate depression and anxiety. Our bodies need to move. Do something daily, even if it's only stretching at home. I guarantee afterwards you will feel better, even if only 20%. It's better than where you were before.

Diet. I find sugar and coffee can increase mental health problems. Put Crap In, Get Crap Out. Doesn't mean you have to go all natural etc. on some horrendous diet. Just eat decently and avoid too much sugar. That includes drinking enough water too. Avoiding alcohol and drugs is an obvious one. They help short term, for a few hours, but kick your ass in the days afterwards.

Sleep. Without good quality sleep, life is shit. Let's face it. Prioritize trying to get enough hours to sleep. Don't stay up all night. Whatever you need to do, aim for eight hours. Get a routine going. Get up at a certain time, even if you didn't get enough sleep. That night you will be extra tired and sleep much better. It's crucial for your mental well being.

Reduce stress. Again, whatever you need to do, walk away from stressful situations. Let go of things that you have no control of. Which is most things in life, for us all. Simplify your life. It definitely helped me. Stress on it's own is a killer. 

Tech/Social Media. Get off the tech. It's an obvious one but our obsession with our phones etc. is making us depressed. It gives us a quick fix perhaps but studies have proven that people become envious of others and their 'great lives' (a misrepresentation) and ultimately lowers our self-esteem. It's also cutting ourselves from real life connections in lieu of 'catching up' electronically. Many, if not most, spend more time with their phone than any one real person.

Meditation. This works for some. Even some deep breathing exercises, (there are many good ones on YouTube) can help. Try sitting for ten minutes once a day, if not several times, and just concentrate on your breathing. Let go of internal negative thoughts.

Counselling. It's often hard to pinpoint the problem. Or you know the problem but don't know how to fix it. Either way, talking with someone can help you get to the core of your issues. They can also provide good coping mechanisms to suit your particular needs.

Other people. Being with others can be difficult, though just one or two good friends can be of benefit. Being alone is often sought when depressed but having company can lift us. A sympathetic ear is often all we need. Not advice. 

Distractions. There are many techniques to get out of your own head. A good distraction can really help. Some do exercise. Binge watching TV isn't a great one as you're inactive, which can exacerbate the problem. Journaling can help you get feelings off your chest. Get outdoors. Do something. Start a craft. Something physical with the hands. Even doing household chores can help.

Gratitude. There are good things in life, even if it's hard to see. Write down a few of them and repeat them over every day. You'll be surprised what's already right in front of you. You just have to get them through to your subconscious through repetition. Write them down every day, or at least, read them back every day. 

Purpose. We all need it. Without it, we stagnate. What's yours? Don't have one? Find one.

Journaling. Writing your feelings down can help you sort out where the problems are. It's a healing process in and of itself and incredibly beneficial. The act of using hands and contemplation alone is good. Practice that gratitude especially.

Don't forget this resource. Coping Techniques A to Z | The Withdrawal Project Even if not withdrawing it has many great techniques for mental health problems. 

Can you rewire your brain without drugs? Watch HERE

Getting out of the negative. Watch

There's a whole array of videos of course on this subject. Start exploring. The school of thought is changing. 

Summary

These suggestions are not enough on their own. It's a multi faceted approach. All of them working together will help with a large proportion of problems, if not more. Being out in nature alone is good for the mood. Even a park. We did not evolve living in concrete. Neither is a pill a magic solution. There are none. 

Some problems can be lifelong. Mine certainly have been. Over forty-five years. However, if I knew even some of those suggestions when I was young my life would have been much better. My mother took me to a doctor as a teenager. I was told I had Hypoglycemia and to avoid sugar. They were clueless. I ended up self medicating when I discovered alcohol from 16 onwards. After a few close calls, assaults, accidents, overdoses, it wasn't until my late 30's when I was prescribed anti-depressants. They helped. Briefly. A few years perhaps. When they stopped working, that's when I tried to come off. And the horror began.

I am not a health professional so seek your own advice, though be careful with doctors as they are the vessel with which drug companies pass. Seek counselling before a doctor. Unless of course, you're considering self harm and are in desperate straits, in which case a pill may help short term.  I'm merely saying there are alternatives that should be explored in addition to, or in place of medication.

Mental issues are bad enough but having to deal with horrendous, possibly permanent withdrawals/side effects from drugs can make your life a living nightmare, which some people never recover from.

Peace.

Get in touch if you have questions etc. anthonyjlangford@yahoo.com.au

A.J. Langford Books

The terrifying rise of anti-depressants and why you don't need them. (Part 1/2 The problems)

 

Drugs are not a magic solution, yet are being over prescribed

If anti-depressants work, why do so many people still have depression? Why are there more people depressed now than ever? Particularly in an era when more people around the world are medicated than at any time in history.

In America anti-depressant use rose from an average of 10.2% in 2009/10 to 13.2% in 2017/18.  (https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/products/databriefs/db377.htm)

In Australia, 17.7% of the adult population filled a mental health related medication in 2020/1. (https://www.aihw.gov.au/mental-health/topic-areas/mental-health-prescriptions)

Alarmingly, the amount of children prescribed medication for ADHD in Australia, more than doubled from 2014 to 2020 and in some cases, tripled. (https://cchr.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/Numbers-on-drugs-for-ADHD-2020.pdf)

Usage per country https://www.statista.com/statistics/283072/antidepressant-consumption-in-selected-countries/

(All sources are from official Government sites).

Are people suddenly far more depressed than they were just a few years ago? With technology obsession on the rise and more people isolating from others, possibly, (which tells you part of the problem) but it's clear that doctors are doling out drugs at a terrifying rate, rather than offering alternatives. Many receive kickbacks from pharmaceuticals for new 'subscribers.'

My horror journey

Anti-depressants ruined my life. You can read about it here. Basically I have to come off very slowly now and I suffer from some permanent side effects ever since I went cold turkey, not knowing what would happen. Permanent tinnitus in both ears. Dizziness. Increased anxiety (ironically). Heart palpitations and more.

I'm now three years into a four year taper. My only hope is that once I'm free of it, my body can begin to recover. But it may never. I'll have to wait and see.

Sure they're a short term fix for some but it's a bit like bandaging a leg that's broken and continuing to walk on it. If you're not addressing the cause of the depression or anxiety then it's only going to resurface. I learnt this the hard way.

Many people who find themselves suddenly depressed go to the doctor, often under pressure from others, rather than addressing what the problem is. A lot of depression is situational. Short term depression from problems is normal. 

Anti-depressants are ultimately harmful

The problem with anti-depressants is that they are very addictive and can lead to major, possibly life long or life ending problems when attempting to come off. Read my story here. They ruined my life. I just didn't know what I was in for. 

Many of these drugs haven't been around long enough for the proper assessment of the negative aspects. And where do people go if they are experiencing problems? Back to the doctor who gave them out in the first place, who often increase the dosage. There's just not enough research being done on the side effects, mostly because pharmaceuticals companies are suppressing the information and many general practitioners are literal sales reps for these drug dispensers. I've had doctors tell me it's all in my head while I've found a couple who knew about the problems. 

Fortunately, there is more talk about it now that there were just a few years ago. There's a great resource called The Withdrawal Project for those struggling to get off or even contemplating how to do it. 

Not all drugs are bad. I've been on several that were easy enough to come off. (They didn't do anything to help either). And not all people suffer from withdrawal but many do and it's horrific. And avoidable. 

I'm a member of a Facebook Group, Cymbalta Hurts Worse with 35,000 members, and that's just one of many groups regarding this particular drug, Cymbalta/Duloxetine. We all have the same problems (though to varying degrees). This drug is nasty, make no mistake. People have taken their own lives. Many give up, unable to ever come off. More details on my original post. 

This is Dose vs Occupancy rate. 

It shows how a 30mg dose is not half of a 60mg. As one example.

It's the same for tapering off. Once you get to a low amount it becomes increasingly harder and slower to get off completely. 

From a 2021 Medical Review;

The relationship between dose and serotonin transporter occupancy of antidepressants—a systematic review

Watch - Reshaping the brain naturally. How neuroplasticity helps us shape who we become

Go to Part Two for Drug Alternatives that work

Peace.

I am not a medical professional. Seek your own advice. However, get in touch if you have questions. anthonyjlangford@yahoo.com.au

A.J. Langford Books

I'm struggling with drug withdrawal and anxiety

Warning, slightly pathetic. ?

Hi,

I don't think I've posted something this personal before. And not this current. Only wrote it a few days ago. I'm hesitant to do as it reeks of self pity but it wasn't written with the intent of sharing. Merely as a means of coping/exploring how I'm feeling. 

(Exacerbated significantly by drug withdrawal. See recent post on my anti-depressant problem).

I'll share it quickly now before I change my mind. 

The struggle

 

Sometimes

Like now

(Increasing in frequency)

I feel like I’ve lost my ability

To write

To create

I’ve lost my drive

And my confidence.

 

Inversely

(If that’s even the right word)

I struggle to cope

With normal life

With work

School runs

Driving anyplace

Facing people

Checking emails

And texts.

 

Fronting up to social media

Pretending everything’s alright

(I need it to promote my work)

Mostly I avoid it

Tired of the façade

Tired of the fear

Tired of the struggle

(Insert more creative phrases).

 

I hope it’s merely

Cymbalta withdrawal

Yet, it’s coming up five years now

So, I forget my prior self

I’m unable to determine

The differences

All lost in the fog.

 

All I know

Is that it’s getting harder

And it feels like

I’m running out of time

As though my body knows

I’m dying

But I haven’t been given

The prognosis yet.

 

Oddly

I don’t appear to mind

I’m not regretful

Or sad

Just tired

So very tired

And a little grateful

For all the good things

That have happened to me

And to my youth

That I enjoyed

And that I have lived fully

Unlike some of my friends.

 

Perhaps more than a little grateful.

 

I do hope

To be free of this poison

And that I many begin to recover

Physically and mentally

And restore

Those aforementioned losses

As I can’t go on like this

Not indefinitely.

 

Today

I’ve slowed my tapering rate

Hoping to improve

My quality of life

As much as I want off

I still have to live

And function

And work

And deal with the swings

Of parenting a teenager

While maintaining our relationship.

 

That’s going to be tough.

 

There are still plenty of highs

And I must keep up appearances, what?

Yet, today I needed to transcribe

The internal conundrums

That is the waking conflict

Against the self.

  

 

24.10.22  7.30 pm

(Not after any pity please. I'm not lamenting my life. I'm quite happy. This is the effect of anxiety AND of anti-depressant withdrawal (PAWS). But if you know someone on anti-depressants, or thinking of taking them, especially Cymbalta, worth sharing).

Worth knowing too that if I'm feeling good I will rarely write about it. I'm getting on with life. While I almost always battle, often if I'm actually at work or with others, I'm okay. I kind of fake it in front of others until I believe it myself. It's when I have to drive, or when I'm on my own or in a stressful situation that it's at it's worst. But it's always there. 

Example, the tinnitus, brain fog etc is 24/7. The anxieties are bearable most of the time. Sometimes I have to pop a valium or lay on the couch. I've been trying breathing meditation and cool showers. I don't drink alcohol anymore and have cut back on sugar and coffee. (A lot of sugar definitely increases anxiety). 

Exercise, sleep, diet, all these things help. Which is the approach doctors should be taking to treat people, not just shoving a fucking pill down their throats. The pill which has now increased my problems, not made them better. (Original Cymbalta post here. )

Something to be said for pushing through too. But there sure are times when nothing works. 

Where I do all my writing, (always handwrite) with the current poetry book.

No more navel gazing! Thanks for your patience. 

I hope to be off this drug by the end of 2023. But I may have to slow down, like I'm doing right now. Just to stabilise and hope I'll feel a bit better.  It's exhausting living with constant anxiety. 

My diverse story and poetry collection Us & Them should have been out by now but should be out in two weeks maximum. 

Please get yourself or a friend a copy as I'm not doing any new writing now aside from the odd poem. This will be the last book for some time.

The book we need right now

My Books

Take care

Peace