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Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts

I've never felt like this in my life. (Will I regret posting this?)

 

I've never felt like this before.


You think you know it all... until you don't.

(trigger warning)


Sometimes life hits you in the guts, when you least expect it.

The below was written in May, 2024. I've come a long way since. I'm so grateful for my life now. Warning, it's pretty dire to read. Yet, I meant every word. Living it daily was hell.

It also took me a long time to get past it. Worst two years of my life. It was very scary and has returned somewhat in the past couple of months, thankfully not as extreme. Prolonged emotional stress made an impact. Too much, too soon.


(July '26 update; I drafted this post in February 2026. I had four good months, then a steady decline from March until where I'm at now. Not quite back in the worst of it but in a pretty bad place. Fuck it, I'm sharing it anyway).





Pained Firsts

 

I don’t want to sound so extreme

It’s how it is

And must be said.

 

I have never felt more trapped

I have never felt more suffocated

I have never felt so helpless

I have never felt so miserable

I have never felt so alone

I have never felt so damned

No matter the decisions.

 

I have never felt so uninterested

In all things

That once provided joy

I have never felt

That the future

Held nothing for me

I have never felt such a pull towards death

I have never felt

That there was no-one to live for

Despite my wish

Not to hurt them.

 

I have never felt

That each day

Was a gruelling endurance test

With only sporadic minutes

Of respite.

 

I rarely write poetry

Completely sober

This is that rarity

Which is why it’s so honest 

And frightening.

 

I wish someone would cut me loose

Before I do it myself.

 

1 a.m.

10.5.24



A lot of this is because of severe anti-depressant withdrawal, (story here) meaning my coping mechanisms were very low. So in a time of high stress, my nervous system basically collapsed. It thought I was constantly in danger and I was in constant fight or flight mode. Not just mental. Very physical too. I was shutting down. I coudln't sleep more than 5 hrs a night. I couldnt rest. Couldn't see a way out. I get why people 'un-alive' themselves. I thought about it a lot. Often daily. I had plans. I feel lucky that I did get out of it. I just have to maintain a peaceful life as possible. 


Depression, anxiety etc come to many at some point to some degree or other. Part of life. But throwing in a drug that messes with your brain into the mix makes it a nightmare. There were other factors too that I won't go into here. 


I've always had anxiety, since a child and had periodic panic attacks (many think they know what they are but have never actually had one. Being panicky is not the same as the terror filled adrendline that pumps through your body. You feel like you're dying). Essentially now, I have a panic disorder. It makes the most basic of living, difficult. A quiet day off at home can be a nightmare. My brain won't shut off catasptrophic thinking. Living in fear. Trapped. My body is in fight or flight mode, making it impossible to relax. Impossible to control my thoughts.




I know this is way too much information. I''m sure most haven't read this far. Everyone is focused on their own thing. You find these things out in time of crisis. Who is there and who isnt.

I leave this more of a record. Incase something happens. I don't kid myself that I'm 'raising awareness'. I'm really just sharing a poem with you. And hope that one day, my daughter (now 15) may find some interest in it.


Peace to you.

Anthony


 

Website - Books, videos, short films, free downloads

https://anthonyjlangford.wixsite.com/writer


AJL Facebook Author Page


AJL YouTube Channel





Do you sometimes feel like this? I'm sorry.





Damaged, not yet dust

 

You know that feeling

You get sometimes

That melancholic wave

More like a surge

Coming up from your gut

It’s been sitting there for days                          

Weeks really

Bubbling away

Doing its thing in the background

And you know you’re not

Doing so well

But you’ve been doing your best

To pretend it’s not there

Even though it never really leaves you.

 

Then one hour

It arrives

And suddenly

It’s all there is

It’s completely taken over

One little thing

Just pushed you down

And you’re now so tired

No

Exhausted

Completely deflated

Not only do you

Have nothing to give

You can barely function

Even for yourself.

 

You feel cut off

Alone

Somehow persecuted

And you’re abruptly crying

And all that weight

You’ve been carrying

For so long

Crushes you

And you’re sobbing now

Thinking the very worst

Of everything

Unable to move

Unable to face any of it

Anymore.

 

It has control

Not you

You’re a prisoner to it

It feels like death

Like it’s a logical option.


If you’ve had that

I’m sorry my friend

We just want someone

To take it all away

To hold us

And promise

That things will improve.

 

You’re so desperate

For any other kind

Of existence

You’ll damn well

Do anything.

 

It passes

It always does

At least for a while

As empty as you feel

You’re more relaxed now

Expelled that build up

Though the existential flatness

Remains

Like a curse.

 

It may not go away

Not until things change

Which they will

In time

As everything does.

 

Just know

If you feel that deeply

It’s a reflection

Of the good person you are

And I guarantee

As it is for me too

That it’s not your fault.

 

Sometimes…

We just break a little.                                        

 

 

21.5.26    11.30 pm.

 







What people with Anxiety and Depression really need.

 

Suffering? You need this.





Watch YouTube Short HERE


How does that resonate for you?


Here's another little video I made.
How to protect your inner self.


Watch on YouTube Shorts HERE







A new way out of Anxiety and Depression - A Hidden Exit. A Important Video that may help someone.

 

A Hidden Exit

Based on personal experiences.

ie learning shit the hard way.




Rather than go into textual detail, it's simpler if you watch this short YouTube video.







I hope it helps you. It works! But you have to work at it. Daily. 


I'm still working at it. It's an hour by hour process. And often I fail. It's hard not to trust your own feelings and thoughts especially if they're automatic and persistent. Which mine are, but that's what you have to do. 

It's essentially about neuroplasticity. It is possible to alter your brain. It's not easy. A work in progress. Stress comes along which can send you back. Your own brain can try to trick you and send you backwards. It wants you to be anxious, to protect you from danger. It wants you to be depressed. To prove that the world is against you and that you are worthless. None of these things are true. Acknowledge the feelings as theyre almost impossible to stop but keep talking yourself up. Keep going. The alternative is not an option you want.

In time, they lose their power and the world shifts. Suddenly, you're more free. Your mind is not your jailor. It's a slow process. But it works. Just keep at it.


Artist unknown.  Appears to be linked to Fine Art America


Now, to follow my own advice. As I said in the video, I've gone backwards somewhat. Which means I need to do this more.


I'm so glad I wrote this when I was feeling good and made this video because now I use it for inspiration. Because I need it. Desperately. And others will too. Please share it. I think it's a message worth sharing.




More Videos


A.J. Langford Books











Looking upwards! Mental Health Month - Part 2 of 2

 
Working towards wellness

The previous post spoke of my misery over the past year, so this will be much more positive.


Here is the second poem that I mentioned in the previous post. It was going to be another  miserable one from earlier this year but I changed it. No one wants to read of another's misery. Besides, it's much more upbeat! And I don't want to appear that I've been wallowing in it. I've been fighting hard the entire time. As my partner can testify. I want to be better! And finally, I am feeling better, albeit a long way to go. With a little helping hand, you might say. This recent poem explains all.


There's a short video below that and also something positive to end on!



Looking to a better future


Above the Abyss

 

I no longer want to die

I’ve scrambled

To be my own saviour

No self-help book or video or psych

Can do the work

That only I can do

Must do.

 

However,

I did receive a helping hand

Of sorts

From the Great Beyond

If one believes in such things

Which I don’t

And yet,

I cannot deny

That through my grandmother’s death

It forced me into a position

Of having to travel interstate

And face my difficulties

I believed impassable.

 

To rephrase

In her death

She helped me to live.

 

I did five days of travel

With the support of Taylah

And did it well

Including reading a poem I wrote

(That alone surprised me)

At her graveside service

And felt good for the

Great bulk of that trip.

 

I returned to Sydney

As did the anxiety

Which caused me to fall

Into a depressive hole

Nothing like having experienced freedom

And joy

After months of intense suffering

Only to be re-incarcerated

A form of twisted torture.

 

Since then

I’ve had the odd better day

And implemented positivity

Faked,

Over and over

Until it began to make inroads.

 

Now I’ve had a string of good days

Again, with the enforced mindset

Becoming my own Life Coach

And while there are setback days

I do believe I’m slowly emerging

Back into life

Out of the cell

Of my own design.

 

At least

I want to live

That is, its own

Sign of success.

 


 

5/5/25  11.45 pm

(My nephew’s birthday).

 


The last time I saw my grandmother, in Sept, 2023


The poem I read at my grandmother's service, Our Beloved Pioneer, appeared in a country publication too, submitted by my grandmother's son, my father.




Perhaps I'll share the full poem sometime, if anyone is interested


Here's a short video I made about depression. Melancholy has followed me about forever and a day too but I'm also quite upbeat. An introvert and extrovert. Those who know can testify to the upbeat me. Most have not seen the other. I've learnt over the years to hide it well. Thus the nature of the mental tussle. It's an battle oft done silently. 


In the Wallows






Way back in 1992, I made a short film about a man who loses control of his mind after a series of life blows. Knowing my own mental state at times, it wasn't a huge stretch. 






Enough misery now! Please feel free to share your story, feelings or even the post itself. It's good to talk about these things. Especially when I'm doing better. I think when people are really suffering, they're quiet. That's when others should become worried. I know I've come close to suicide many times in the past year. It scares me now when I think back to how viable an option it seemed. 

I have a ways to go but signs recently are good. Not great but trending upwards. Day at a time. Keeping calm and staying positive are my weapons. (Just don't tell a depressed person to be positive. They're too far gone. It's near impossible). 

I only became that depressed because the anxiety was so severe it made my life unbearable. It was only through some respite via cold showers, swimming and Valium plus distractions like faking it, playing music, dancing, talking to myself and the support of my girlfriend that I was able to rise enough before I could even entertain the idea of being positive. Without some daily relief, I would have taken my life. I fantasised about it. I planned it. At one point I had razor blades hidden throughout the house. It seemed the only way out. 

Enough.


Peace

Anthony


Ps I'm thinking of releasing a novel. Not sure which one yet. I've got a few. Either Ode to Dead Young Friends, based on four young people I knew who all died young or True Love Kills, also based on a true story but with a lot more fictional aspects about a teenage girl whose new school friends are involved in a terrible incident in which someone dies. 

What do you think? The anxiety doesn't want me to do anything as it's all 'dangerous' but I have to keep pushing myself. This will be quite a scary exercise, unlike when I released books in the past when it was exciting. Still, I feel the work is good and should be out there. I think. 

Let me know your thoughts about any of the above!


Ode to Dead Young Friends



A.J. Langford Books


Mental Marathon and Fatigue - (No, not an Olympics post).


Hi,

Do you have... 

Compassion fatigue?


dark-art-mental-illness Art by Rivka Korf


If you have compassion fatigue or 'mental health' burnout then maybe skip this. I get sick of my own voice on the subject at times. And there's so much talk about it now. Which is good though there's varying degrees of its intensity. Some suffer more than others. Some are more vocal. Some just want attention. Some think they have problems that are actually fairly light on. Some suffer in silence. Some forge through. Others don't make it. One thing's inescapable though, no one gets a bypass. 

This was written in March of this year, 2024.



Marathon

 

I’m keen to ‘let it go’

Though keener

To have it set me free.

 

One feeds the other

The Black Dog

Chases its tail

Or in my case

Runs from it.

 

I can laugh too

At that image

It’s as silly as it sounds

In the same way

That its heartbreakingly pointless.

 

I’ll take more suggestions

And practice them

As desperation initiates action

Though I’ve heard them all.


Thirty years

Delivers a lot of alternatives

Some of which clearly works

Or I wouldn’t be writing this

At 56.

 

It’s simply stopped working

The options have dried up

And that circular chase

Is more exhausting than ever.

 

Only so many sinews

In these old legs.

 

 

25.3.24

5.10 pm

 

It's almost a cliche. But I am very worn out. This year... so exhausting. Five months on, it is worse. I had some sort of breakdown in May/June and I'm still struggling to get back to my normal. Which wasn't fun to begin with but it's preferable to where I'm at. (Anti-depressant issues are a big player. They've screwed me up. Story here).

Sorry to be such a bore. Writing itself feels helpful. And these posts, as brief as they are. I write down something to be grateful for every day. There's always something, even if minor in the scheme of things. We all push on as long as we can. 



More Poetry


Here's something nice to end on. 
Hope you're doing reasonably well, if not great!







nb; just as I was finishing this post, it rained. I stood outside. It was beautiful.

Peace and love to you
Anthony




You can't escape yourself but sometimes...

 

The Ultimate Escape


trapped in your head by elmuerteunicorn74-dab3qkc at deviantart



I'm my own worst enemy. Most of my (life-long) issues are between my ears. Anxiety depression etc. 

When I wrote this four months ago, I was frustrated by it and came up with a type of solution.



Oh for God's Sake

 

It’s reached this point

As all drastic solutions do

Through a process

Of time funnelling

That realisation strikes

That the only true escape

Can be made possible

By ghosting myself.

 

I’ll shut myself

Down and out

Refuse to respond

Accept the inevitable

Acceleration

Borne of desperation

While burrowing into that hole

Head down

Arse up

Refuting acknowledgement

No matter

How hard the pounding.

 

Surely

I’ll get the hint eventually.

 

25.3.24

5.45 pm

(I was to get far worse over the following 3 months).


 


How nice it would be to be able to ghost yourself!

I think I am actually a good man. People tell me that a lot. I'm the one who struggles being within this frame.

'Caged without Walls' is a metaphor for not being able to escape yourself. It's the title of my 2013 poetry collection. The line comes from a poem in the book, I can't recall which. (Now 40% off).


This year, 2024 has been one of the worst for it. I had a difficult break-up with my girlfriend. I acknowledge much of it was my own reactions and fears. What actually matters is that my daughter is okay. My work is okay. I'm paying my bills and surviving, unlike many. My life is actually okay. But if your head isn't well, then it's a potential nightmare.

Indeed some people don't survive it at all. I hit a very low point this year. The lowest of my life. I was lucky to get out of it. I'm still struggling but working hard on getting better. I have a long ways to go for sure.



Ghosting


Do you have practices to improve your moods? Can you identify with wanting to escape, not just a situation but yourself? I'd love to hear your experience. And maybe learn from you. Despite everything I've read and heard over 'self-care' etc, I still need to hear it. And everyone's experience is not the same. 



More Poetry


A.J. Langford Books



I hope you have some peace in your life. It may be the most precious thing of all.

Until next time,

Anthony.



Video - Crackle like a record


Life is hard but sometimes the toughest battle is that within.

We're stuck in our own heads, like being caged without walls. 

This video is a poem I wrote about anxiety, written during a bad (yet endless) stretch.




Please watch Crackle HERE


Words 2020 / Video 2022


Yes, Caged without Walls is the name of my first poetry collection, published 2013. Many detail my own struggles and the struggles of others. So this is nothing new for me but now is an especially hard time.


My Anti-Depressant Nightmare


More Videos on My YouTube Channel


A.J. Langford Books



Hope you're faring okay. If not, loving life!


Peace

Anthony



The fool's dream. Is it me?

 

Everyone's got a sob story.

I've been prone to bouts of melancholia and anxiety as far back as I can remember. There was no such diagnosis in the 70's and 80's, not in rural Australia anyway, and now that I'm in my 50's and still have them as companions, I'm likely stuck with them til the end. Hence this poem. (An image version at the bottom).


Endurance and acceptance are likely the two biggest allies to adopt. If you have additional ones, more than happy to hear them. (I've reluctantly started a new medication, not an anti-depressant and starting counselling this week). 

Therapy through writing.




The fool’s dream

 

I wake with the fear

And fall asleep with hope

Knowing reality

Rarely waits patiently between both.

 

When will I learn

That there’s nothing new to learn?


The fog settled in

A long time ago

I just can’t let go

Of the sweet concept

Of a better tomorrow.

 

It’s the calling

That keeps fools dreaming

Which I should be grateful for

As temporary fantasy

Remains a release

But I recognised the lie

So far back

That I can’t be party to it

Anymore.

 


 

20.9.23 7.20 pm

Edit   27.2.24

 






I have far more additional stress than September last year, hence the edit in Feb. I guess and the decision to post it now. 

We all have our bullshit to deal with. A lot of mine is within my head. No escaping that.

Anyway, smile and fake it and push on. Fuck it.

Peace.


Wrap me up in alcohol

 

Blanket Love

 

Third beer in

Still the anxiety

Seeps through the legs

Like a bad blood transfusion

Reminding me of my fallibilities

And how strong

It actually is.

 

Relief will come soon

Followed by a brazenness

That I rarely feel

Though wish it were often so.

 

Or should I simply accept

The way I am?

Negative

Melancholic

And self-destructive.

 

I wouldn’t treat another

This way

Yet, I can’t silence

The inner tormentor

Who betrays me often

Whilst also keeping me honest

And real.

 

A conundrum

I can’t seem to unravel.

 

Perhaps the worst thing is

The recent realisation

That I’ll still be this way

At 75

If I make it that far

And possibly worse

And I’m already

So tired.

 

Some sanctuary then

At 55

Is still being able to

Find relief

Within the false blanket

Of booze

Which is only now

Wrapping me in its warmth.

 

Soothed

At last

For tonight only.

 

 

11.1.23  7.45 pm

First poem of 2023.







Anti-depressants and why you don't need them. (Part 2/2 - Solutions)


 Drugs are over prescribed


If anti-depressants work, why do so many people still have depression? Why are there more people depressed now than ever? Particularly in an era when more people around the world are medicated than at any time in history.



Part One - The Problems Here



Part Two

Alternatives


In any regard, anti-depressants are really a simple bandaging of the problem. Sure some people with severe mental health problems need to be on medication. Schizophrenia for example. I'm talking about your everyday person. So many more people are on them now compared to even twenty years ago.


There are many things people can do to help themselves. 

Exercise. Even basic walking every day can help stimulate endorphins. It's also good to get out into the fresh air and away from the home. Sitting at home can stimulate depression and anxiety. Our bodies need to move. Do something daily, even if it's only stretching at home. I guarantee afterwards you will feel better, even if only 20%. It's better than where you were before.

Diet. I find sugar and coffee can increase mental health problems. Put Crap In, Get Crap Out. Doesn't mean you have to go all natural etc. on some horrendous diet. Just eat decently and avoid too much sugar. That includes drinking enough water too. Avoiding alcohol and drugs is an obvious one. They help short term, for a few hours, but kick your ass in the days afterwards.

SleepWithout good quality sleep, life is shit. Let's face it. Prioritize trying to get enough hours to sleep. Don't stay up all night. Whatever you need to do, aim for eight hours. Get a routine going. Get up at a certain time, even if you didn't get enough sleep. That night you will be extra tired and sleep much better. It's crucial for your mental well being.

Reduce stress. Again, whatever you need to do, walk away from stressful situations. Let go of things that you have no control of. Which is most things in life, for us all. Simplify your life. It definitely helped me. Stress on it's own is a killer. 





Tech/Social MediaGet off the tech. It's an obvious one but our obsession with our phones etc. is making us depressed. It gives us a quick fix perhaps but studies have proven that people become envious of others and their 'great lives' (a misrepresentation) and ultimately lowers our self-esteem. It's also cutting ourselves from real life connections in lieu of 'catching up' electronically. Many, if not most, spend more time with their phone than any one real person.

Meditation. This works for some. Even some deep breathing exercises, (there are many good ones on YouTube) can help. Try sitting for ten minutes once a day, if not several times, and just concentrate on your breathing. Let go of internal negative thoughts.

Counselling. It's often hard to pinpoint the problem. Or you know the problem but don't know how to fix it. Either way, talking with someone can help you get to the core of your issues. They can also provide good coping mechanisms to suit your particular needs.

Other people. Being with others can be difficult, though just one or two good friends can be of benefit. Being alone is often sought when depressed but having company can lift us. A sympathetic ear is often all we need. Not advice. 

Distractions. There are many techniques to get out of your own head. A good distraction can really help. Some do exercise. Binge watching TV isn't a great one as you're inactive, which can exacerbate the problem. Journaling can help you get feelings off your chest. Get outdoors. Do something. Start a craft. Something physical with the hands. Even doing household chores can help.

Gratitude. There are good things in life, even if it's hard to see. Write down a few of them and repeat them over every day. You'll be surprised what's already right in front of you. You just have to get them through to your subconscious through repetition. Write them down every day, or at least, read them back every day. 

Purpose. We all need it. Without it, we stagnate. What's yours? Don't have one? Find one.

Journaling. Writing your feelings down can help you sort out where the problems are. It's a healing process in and of itself and incredibly beneficial. The act of using hands and contemplation alone is good. Practice that gratitude especially.


Don't forget this resource. Coping Techniques A to Z | The Withdrawal Project Even if not withdrawing it has many great techniques for mental health problems. 



Can you rewire your brain without drugs? Watch HERE


Getting out of the negative. Watch



There's a whole array of videos of course on this subject. Start exploring. The school of thought is changing. 





Summary


These suggestions are not enough on their own. It's a multi faceted approach. All of them working together will help with a large proportion of problems, if not more. Being out in nature alone is good for the mood. Even a park. We did not evolve living in concrete. Neither is a pill a magic solution. There are none. 

Some problems can be lifelong. Mine certainly have been. Over forty-five years. However, if I knew even some of those suggestions when I was young my life would have been much better. My mother took me to a doctor as a teenager. I was told I had Hypoglycemia and to avoid sugar. They were clueless. I ended up self medicating when I discovered alcohol from 16 onwards. After a few close calls, assaults, accidents, overdoses, it wasn't until my late 30's when I was prescribed anti-depressants. They helped. Briefly. A few years perhaps. When they stopped working, that's when I tried to come off. And the horror began.


I am not a health professional so seek your own advice, though be careful with doctors as they are the vessel with which drug companies pass. Seek counselling before a doctor. Unless of course, you're considering self harm and are in desperate straits, in which case a pill may help short term.  I'm merely saying there are alternatives that should be explored in addition to, or in place of medication.

Mental issues are bad enough but having to deal with horrendous, possibly permanent withdrawals/side effects from drugs can make your life a living nightmare, which some people never recover from.


Peace.

Get in touch if you have questions etc. anthonyjlangford@yahoo.com.au

A.J. Langford Books