Pathetic

 

This was written during a drinking night. I'd never normally write something like this sober. I already regret posting it. I regretted it while writing it.

Express Journey

 

I express into the Void

And perhaps always have

Rarely

Does anyone relate to the work

Especially this, the Poetry

Unless vague enough

That they misconstrue.

 

Perhaps that’s why

It’s been months

Since I’ve written anything.

 

It’s not as though

A whole book

Had an impact

Or even a dent

(Us & Them)

The disappointment

Drowns me often.

 

So, I’ll wax lyrical

Into a blank mirror

And nurse the emptiness

Like the real thing

It is

A baby I birthed

Spawned by others

And the more I talk about it

The more pathetic I feel.

 

I’m not a Marketer

And maybe I’m not much

Of anything

Or I surely would have

Reached people by now.

 

No longer will I

Shout

Or voice into the Void

But merely whisper

And retreat quietly

In the same way

I emerged.

 

 

3.9.23   10.20pm

 

 

The failure of Us & Them caused me to bust after 14 months sober. I feel like I've failed. Not just that book but my whole life. How do you let go of dreams you've had since 8 years old? 

I am grateful for the readers I have. Four people who always support me. They are wonderful (you know who you are). And three family members. Without them I wouldn't have made it this far. But there is no one else. 

I thought that book with it's more positive approach (and dedication to Sally) might garner some interest, (none of her family and friends did bar one) and the cumulative affect of years of putting my work out.

Pathetic I know. 

I am grateful to have my physical health (mental not so good plus my anti-depressant withdrawal issues). I am grateful for my girlfriend (she has an illness but that's another story.). I am grateful for my daughter (going through the teen period now but that's another story). Those things are getting to me though.

I have work and a roof over my head so I'm not complaining about my life in general. 

I deal with it most of the time and push on and say nothing. But occasionally it gets to me. I have other novels ready to go, mostly Young Adult but it's so much work and it costs me a lot too. How do I let it go?

Forgive me.

A.J. Langford Books