Satire Bytes #1 *
Terrorists scare the fuck out of me.
I blow you.
Each to their own, but preferably not in my well-to-do suburb. Kill someone else’s family. Then I can uphold my values. Hey, I’ll join the candle vigil, no problem! I’ll hug whoever you want me to.
Much as I love the Fab Four I prefer the Star Wars philosophy. When Chewbacca was getting majorly cranky for losing the board game with the droids, C-3PO said to R2-D2, ‘I suggest letting the extremist win.’
You’ve heard the expression, if you can’t beat them, join them!
I won't go quite that far, because I’m a civilised human being, but if they can see that you’re trying to do the right thing, they'll leave you alone. If you’re nice to them, they’ll be nice to you. They’ll even respect me. I’m certain of it.
I love all nations equally. That's 100% equally, from Alaska to Abkhazia (where-ever that is). I believe in human rights. My theory is that the extremists will be too preoccupied by the racism of others to care about me. If I do come across them they’ll quickly ascertain how open-minded and accepting I am and move on. I’m truly a modern person, way above those ignorant red neck types. I like music, films and poetry. I’m cultured. Just ask me! (That's why I've began wearing a cravat).
I admire sexualised people of all denominations. I may even be one. I could be gay, bi or trans. (Which one is more popular these days?) That alone makes me more unique. I’m therefore more special. Get it? If you don’t, that’s because you’re ignorant.
Besides, who am I kidding? It’s always preferable to have a couple of high-calibre cards up your sleeve at the dinner party. Morally superior much!
With this much glorious tolerance, there must there a social media page where I can be praised.
Parade me to my pulpit!
(For the record, I'm left wing. I'm simply pro safety, pro sense.)
*This was the first Satire piece I wrote for this blog. There's been many more since. Go here to see them.