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A Writer’s Frustration – Schemes to get Published. Pt 1 - The Stephanie Meyer School of Writing

         Despite writing seven novels of a strong literary merit in a variety of genres, I am yet to find an agent willing to even look at my work, let alone a publisher. Here then, are some ideas to boost that possibility. 

A Writer’s Frustration – Schemes to get Published

Part 1 of 3 - The Stephanie Meyer School of Writing 

He's just sooo sensitive!

Reinvent the genre. You know what I mean. Vampires that believe in sex after marriage. Vampires that can walk around in the daylight and sparkle. Vampires who don't kill. I could do this too. Forget tradition and all that. There’s money to be made.

I was thinking along the lines of werewolves who sleep at night. No? How about a lonely down and out Dracula? We’ll call it True Mud. We want readers to feel sorry for him so he definitely can’t eat people. He could live on dung beetles. No, that’s almost as dumb as sparkling vampires.

How about gay fairies? You leave your tooth in a glass, get left a dollar and wake up gay!

No, too out there. Has to be more, I don’t know, beige. So safe your great-grandmother wouldn’t be offended. How about Frankenstein? Instead of being created from body parts, (that’s sooo gross), we’ll make him born of an immaculate birth (no sex, ew). We don't want to scare anyone either so instead of a scary guy, we’ll make him a hot her. Franken-sheila.
Brilliant. We’ll set it in the Australian Outback. She’s an American journalist and travels to do a story. She meets a Doctor, like the traditional Dr. Frankenstein, except he works in the Flying Doctor service. 

He goes around stealing organs from the rich to give to the poor. That way, we keep some of the whole yucky body parts tradition alive. Wouldn’t want people to get too upset with me. There’s an element of Robin Hood in there too! She’s a lot like Marion. Don’t want her to be too smart either. Stephanie Meyer is a housewife after all, so we’ll make her a bimbo tourist. Genius! We’ll throw in a bit of Colleen McCullough’s The Thorn Birds in there and make it a real love fest. They can Konoodle on the plane over Ayers Rock or Uluru or whatever you want to call it. 

Uluru at sunset - My photo - 2006

We’ll call it Cradle Rock, because who cares about sticking to folklore right? Tradition? What’s that? Fuck it, we’ll call it Konoodle Rock and they can get married on top. Then, and only then, can they consummate the relationship. Missionary style of course.

I just heard a hundred million teenage voices go aahhhhhhhh.
I think I’m going to be rich.

(2021 Update, after several small books published, I went my own way. Now there's plenty for you at...)

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  1. I sense a bit of sarcasm. I have not read any Stephannie Meyers books or watched any of her films and I am unlikely too. Apart from the fact that I am not a teenage girl, I think after watching every episode of Buffy and Angel, there is not much left to be done in the world of vampires.

    But I have been working on an idea where cyborg vampires are sent back from the future to suck AIDs out of people because the virus eventually mutates and kills nearly everyone. But the evil grandson of Clive Palmer has other ideas, he sends back cyborgs who look like our Kylie to destroy all the good vampire cyborgs who look like Hugh Jackman (and can dance and sing like him too). Clive's grandson is worshiped like a big fat pig king in the future for giving out coal based antidotes that prolonged the lives of those with the mutated virus.

    1. I'm totally with you, vampires are done to death. So why are we still seeing them in more droves, and never more bland!
      As for your idea, I'd buy that Graham!

  2. I'd buy both books! :-)

    It's a frustrating world out there in publishing... only destined to get harder and more challening!

  3. Hahahahahah I thought it was very funny and clever I say go for it!

  4. Cheers folks. Maybe satire is the way to go.. ;)

  5. Great article!
    I happen to dislike the Twilight series. It's just so cringe-worthy.
    Thanks for commenting on my blog! To answer you question, in order to make tabs, just go to the 'layout' in 'settings' and click 'gadget'. Then you scroll until you reach 'Pages', and write in how many/title of pages you want.

    1. Thanks alot Mindy.. nice to see you here.. yes, Twilight, not the best franchise ever made...even The Mighty Ducks was better...

  6. Is that a man in the first picture? Wow, he's very metrosexual. Your humor's really sharp in this piece, Anthony. I especially like the "beige" line.

    Keep plugging away, my friend.


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