Feral Street Kind of like the O.C. but totally opposite. Pray you don't end up there..without a mullet. Meet Johnno, Timbo, Sez & Trace. And MG (Mud Guts). (All twenty something. The boys live together, the girls next door and across the road, MG with his Nana.) A Six Part Series Warning: Not for the easily offended..
Ep.3 - The White Trash Strikes Back. Last week, Sez told Trace that yoghurt may help with her crabby problem. Then MG rocked up with a problem of his own. MG (Mud Guts) sits in the girl's loungeroom looking at the Guns n Roses 1993 Tour poster as Sez makes him a cup of instant coffee with four sugars. Trace emerges in a towel from the kitchen with a tub of strawberry yoghurt in her hand. She sees MG and is embarrassed, also remembering that very drunken 'one off'. The things we do when pissed.
MG: 'Hey Trace. Looking good babe.'
Trace: 'I'm not even dressed you perve monkey.' (she disappears down the hallway).
MG: 'You got a towel dontchya? Doesn't worry me!'
Sez appears with the coffee: 'You're a sleaze-bucket Muddie. So what's the problem?'
MG: 'Um, it's about tonight.'
Sez: 'Tonight? Oh shit! We're supposed to be going out hey? Fuck me, I'll have to get me mum to hang onto me baby. She's gunna shit bricks!'
MG: 'That'd be gross hey! If you could really shit bricks. They'd be brown hey!'
Sez: 'I reckon you talk shit bricks. So we're still going out right?'
MG: 'Well yeah but I can't borrow me Nana's car. She needs it. It's bingo night.'
Sez: 'Oh shit a cold chicken Muddie! We gotta walk again? Jesus Christ! You want me to get fit or sumfin? Me lungs can't handle it!'
MG: 'Soz darl. But maybe you should cut down to 60 ciggies a day.'
Sez: 'Fuck you bowel movement. I only smoke 50 a day.'
Later Trace goes next door to Johnno and Timbo's place. Timbo opens the door.
Trace: 'Mud Guts can't drive us tonight. We gotta walk.'
Timbo: 'That MG is nuthin but a pair of fat crack smokin gerbil balls! Pity we don't have no buses no more. All those little shits throwin rocks at 'em fucked it up for everybody.'
Trace: 'You was one of those little shits weren't ya?'
Timbo: (grins) 'In my day we only chucked oranges. If you're looking for your fuktard boyfriend he's in his stink pit.'
Trace is suddenly nervous. Should she tell her guy the bad news? Unless the strawberry yoghurt does actually work. She walks down the hallway, stepping over dirty clothes and empty beer bottles and opens his bedroom door.
Johnno is standing in front of his Pamela Anderson poster, masturbating. 'What the fuck? Don't you knock?'
Trace: 'What are you doing, you Pervasaurus! You prefer that slozzy-pop over me?'
Johnno grabs his pillow and hides his old fella. 'What you expect Trace? Man's not a giraffe!'
Trace: 'Don't you mean camel?'
Johnno: 'Whatever! Camel toe.. yeah, be nice to see your camel toe! I need to get me end away! We been going out 3 whole weeks and ya still won't let me stick it in!'
Trace: 'I give ya head heaps ya selfish ass anaconda!'
Johnno: 'Yeah, I know, and it's good but... Shit. I wanna nail ya! I wanna like, toss ya girl scouts salad, and....screw ya all romantic and shit. What's wrong wif dat?'
Trace: (getting more uncomfortable. She wants to tell him). 'Aw you are a sweetie Johnno and I wanna pole dance your pole too but I gotta talk to ya about sumfin.'
Johnno: 'Shit girl. Couldn't ya waited til I finished strangling the ferret?'
Trace: (walks up and gives him a fierce nipple twister).
Johnno: 'Ouch,that killed!' Trace: 'Go back to your wank then ya fuckin homo-lesby-sexual!' (she storms off).
Johnno: 'Wait up honey box! I waz jokin! He throws down his pillow and runs after her, but she is already out the front door. Undeterred he follows her in his birthday suit with his candle to attention. 'Babe! Pamela Anderson means nuthin' to me!'
Trace runs next door and Johnno is left naked and alone in his front yard, apart from the shocked Sri Lankan family of six across the street who have just pulled up.
Johnno: 'Trace! Are we still going out tonight? Trace!!' He sniffs. 'That's weird. I'm sure I can smell strawberries!'
Next Ep: Will the Feral Five still go out to the pub? Will they actually have to walk? Will Trace finally get around to telling Johnno about her crabs? Or will MG make his move on Trace first? I bet you can't wait.
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