I've never felt like this in my life. (Will I regret posting this?)

I've never felt like this before.

You think you know it all... until you don't.

(trigger warning)

Sometimes life hits you in the guts, when you least expect it.

The below was written in May, 2024. I've come a long way since. I'm so grateful for my life now. Warning, it's pretty dire to read. Yet, I meant every word. Living it daily was hell.

It also took me a long time to get past it. Worst two years of my life. It was very scary and has returned somewhat in the past couple of months, thankfully not as extreme. Prolonged emotional stress made an impact. Too much, too soon.

(July '26 update; I drafted this post in February 2026. I had four good months, then a steady decline from March until where I'm at now. Not quite back in the worst of it but in a pretty bad place. Fuck it, I'm sharing it anyway).

Pained Firsts

I don’t want to sound so extreme

It’s how it is

And must be said.

I have never felt more trapped

I have never felt more suffocated

I have never felt so helpless

I have never felt so miserable

I have never felt so alone

I have never felt so damned

No matter the decisions.

I have never felt so uninterested

In all things

That once provided joy

I have never felt

That the future

Held nothing for me

I have never felt such a pull towards death

I have never felt

That there was no-one to live for

Despite my wish

Not to hurt them.

I have never felt

That each day

Was a gruelling endurance test

With only sporadic minutes

Of respite.

I rarely write poetry

Completely sober

This is that rarity

Which is why it’s so honest

And frightening.

I wish someone would cut me loose

Before I do it myself.

1 a.m.

10.5.24

A lot of this is because of severe anti-depressant withdrawal, (story here) meaning my coping mechanisms were very low. So in a time of high stress, my nervous system basically collapsed. It thought I was constantly in danger and I was in constant fight or flight mode. Not just mental. Very physical too. I was shutting down. I coudln't sleep more than 5 hrs a night. I couldnt rest. Couldn't see a way out. I get why people 'un-alive' themselves. I thought about it a lot. Often daily. I had plans. I feel lucky that I did get out of it. I just have to maintain a peaceful life as possible.

Depression, anxiety etc come to many at some point to some degree or other. Part of life. But throwing in a drug that messes with your brain into the mix makes it a nightmare. There were other factors too that I won't go into here. And some get it worse than others, clearly.

I've always had anxiety, since a child and had periodic panic attacks (many think they know what they are but have never actually had one. Being panicky is not the same as the terror filled adrendline that pumps through your body. You feel like you're dying). Essentially now, I have a panic disorder. It makes the most basic of living, difficult. A quiet day off at home can be a nightmare. My brain won't shut off catasptrophic thinking. Living in fear. Trapped. My body is in fight or flight mode, making it impossible to relax. Impossible to control my thoughts.

I know this is way too much information for most. I''m sure many haven't even read this far. Everyone is focused on their own thing. You find these things out in time of crisis. Who is there and who isnt.

I leave this more of a record. Incase something happens. I don't kid myself that I'm 'raising awareness'. I'm really just sharing a poem with you. And hope that one day, my daughter (now 15) may find some interest in it.

Peace to you.

Anthony

Website - Books, videos, short films, free downloads

https://anthonyjlangford.wixsite.com/writer

AJL Facebook Author Page

AJL YouTube Channel

Once thriving, now empty - The Haunted Town

Once thriving, now empty.

The Disappeared Town of

Cosgrove

What happened to it?

I drove past the site in early 2026 on a stinking hot day.
I turned around and went back to see what this mysterious plaque
in the middle of nowhere was.

Watch YouTube Short HERE

It was blustery and unbeknownst to me,
a small particle of wheat blew into my eye.

Long story short, it took a week before they found it.
Very painful.
Maybe a ghost didn't like me being there!

Please visit;

Anthony J. Langford Books | Australian writer

Website - Books, videos, short films, free downloads

AJL Facebook Author Page

AJL YouTube Channel

Most controversial film of the year is a hit, but is it dangerous?

Is it racist?

Does it incite violence?

Watch my 1 minute summary HERE

What do you think?

Anthony J. Langford Books | Australian writer

Murder Mystery - In the Bush. Not one, but two deaths.

I came across this story a few months ago. When I was out in the bush, took a shot so I could turn it into a brief video.

A True Story

How's life in general?

Something very different for you this time.

Murder Mystery

Watch HERE

Any theory's?

Website - Books, videos, short films, free downloads

https://anthonyjlangford.wixsite.com/writer

AJL Facebook Author Page

AJL YouTube Channel

Peace

Anthony

What do you do when you feel this way?

Hey,

How's things in general?

I saw this and it made me ask...

Watch YouTube Short here.

Have you found yourself in this situation?

What did you do?

Personally I have had a lot of mental health struggles (and find myself again in that situation unfortunately, after doing so well this year) so I'm always curious to know how other people get through it.

I would really like to hear your opinion.

Website - Books, videos, short films, free downloads

https://anthonyjlangford.wixsite.com/writer

AJL Facebook Author Page

AJL YouTube Channel

Until we meet again dear friend

Peace

Anthony

Pure Art - No Fucking AI here

Fuck AI

I handwrite everything. Always have. Even now.

In an era where many, including myself, disbeleive what they see and read (and hear), how do creators convince others what they're presenting is genuine?

We can't. It doesn't help when some authors are admitting to using AI. That ruins the entire industry. There has to be some sort of strict regulations put in place.

I show you this photo so that you may see for yourself and hope that's enough.

Our Blank Pages

This was the first poem in a new diary style book. It merely came into being, simply by being the first thing to be written in that book.

You can see the date. My poetry output has been considerably slower as that book is not yet full, though I have started on a new book. And sometimes have used bits of paper if somewhere other than at home. It's been a pretty difficult time during '24/'25. I came close to throwing it all away. Things are better this year. Still a ways to go.

Our blank pages

Time for a new book

A new chapter

The pages blank

Hidden from glory

Pain and disappointment.

Elation too

And that sweet, warm joy.

Devoid of all

Until tomorrow comes

And we face the day

And our fate

Whatever it chooses to deliver.

5.20pm

7.7.22

First page in a new poetry book.

Know that I would never cheat to create art. What's the point? I've been writing and creating my whole life, sometimes slower than others, but have never stopped. There's no point in doing so now. That's just not me. Real emotions, realistic characters and situations in my books. That's what I aim for.

Do you doubt much of what you see now?

Website - Books, videos, short films, free downloads

https://anthonyjlangford.wixsite.com/writer

AJL Facebook Author Page

AJL YouTube Channel

Do you sometimes feel like this? I'm sorry.

Damaged, not yet dust

You know that feeling

You get sometimes

That melancholic wave

More like a surge

Coming up from your gut

It’s been sitting there for days

Weeks really

Bubbling away

Doing its thing in the background

And you know you’re not

Doing so well

But you’ve been doing your best

To pretend it’s not there

Even though it never really leaves you.

Then one hour

It arrives

And suddenly

It’s all there is

It’s completely taken over

One little thing

Just pushed you down

And you’re now so tired

Exhausted

Completely deflated

Not only do you

Have nothing to give

You can barely function

Even for yourself.

You feel cut off

Alone

Somehow persecuted

And you’re abruptly crying

And all that weight

You’ve been carrying

For so long

Crushes you

And you’re sobbing now

Thinking the very worst

Of everything

Unable to move

Unable to face any of it

Anymore.

It has control

Not you

You’re a prisoner to it

It feels like death

Like it’s a logical option.

If you’ve had that

I’m sorry my friend

We just want someone

To take it all away

To hold us

And promise

That things will improve.

You’re so desperate

For any other kind

Of existence

You’ll damn well

Do anything.

It passes

It always does

At least for a while

As empty as you feel

You’re more relaxed now

Expelled that build up

Though the existential flatness

Remains

Like a curse.

It may not go away

Not until things change

Which they will

In time

As everything does.

Just know

If you feel that deeply

It’s a reflection

Of the good person you are

And I guarantee

As it is for me too

That it’s not your fault.

Sometimes…

We just break a little.

21.5.26 11.30 pm.

Tomorrow will surely be better. Won't it?

This is about looking into the future, but also looking into the past. Primarily at one's youth.
We've all been there. You can relate to this short video I made below.