There is nothing special about this poem. In fact, it's rather average. But I just wanted to share with you my current life. Writing is next to impossible. Finding time to post this is hard enough. I have some written work in reserve but this poem is something I scribbled up at 3 am some dark hour this week. Or it could have been 2. Or even 6. And don't ask me what day. Days no longer have any meaning. And my mind is beginning to scare me. When you read the poem, it will all make sense.
Sleep is a Dream I Once Had
Got the Can't sleep blues
nothing makes no sense
full of horror
raining there outside
pouring in here
Why do I
When I'm submerged into Fear
its a baby thing
a droopy eyed no grin
cause I choose
didn't you deary?
so i'll do an internet search
with no goal in sight
and i'll wander feet bare aimless
for yet another fucking night
and i'm up again
and the line recedes
and the crying succeeds
but there's no end...
(Update: Written when my daughter was four weeks old. No wodner!)
Greatest Written Films
Directed by Ingmar Bergman
Dreams begins with a scene involving a photography shoot. It is the land of Dreams. We meet Doris, the model. Soon we are drawn into her world. It transpires that she is engaged, but the problem is, her beau is rather square. She has big aspirations. She wants more out of life. But she is not the only one with dreams. The photographer, Susanne, is missing her ex lover. Trouble is, he broke the relationship off because he is married. Yet she's not about to let that stop her.
To say more would be to ruin the plot, but we soon meet other characters who also have Dreams. It seems we all do, but more often than not, we are not allowed to achieve them. And perhaps that's not always a bad thing. We seem to spend most of our lives with desires, untapped and unreachable. Bergman knows this all too well, and tortures his characters with their yearnings. Their desires out of step with the mechanics of day to day living. This internal conflict is the basis for excellent drama. As always Bergman keeps the struggle between man and woman upfront. Anguished lovers are foremost in the frame. There is desire but it is fraught with complications. Like real romance. The Europeans have been upping the Americans with romantic films for decades, particularly if you consider when this was made and what else was around at the time.
It's not Bergman's best film. The characters are sometimes very selfish and it is hard for us to sympathise with them, but this is the point. For most people, Dreams are elusive. How can we exist in the world if we cannot have what we want? It's a heartbreaking realisation.
Some say Bergman was the greatest Director the world has ever seen. I'm not sure about that. Tarkovsky was a visual genius, but Bergman is certainly more intimate, his stories deeply personal and instantly identifiable. He achieves success again with Dreams.
A Short Story,
This comment has been removed by the author.ReplyDelete
Sorry for those "another fucking nights," Anthony. It must be incredibly scary bringing new life into this world. On the brighter side, your creativity is relentless too. Plus, you're bringing new life into this world.ReplyDelete
I liked the poem, with its raw truth.
Keep faith, friend.
Welcome to parenthood... just be thankful that you had 40-odd-something years to yourself because that life no longer exists. The poem... 'I get it'! :)ReplyDelete
Oh I do remember these sleepless nights oh so very well but they are now a distant memory...which eventually they will be for you too!ReplyDelete
Sleep will return ... just hold on to that!!
This poem made absolute perfect sense to me Anthony!
Bergman said "Everything in life is worth as much as a belch, the only difference being that a belch is more satisfying." I might not remember this quote correctly, but I loved it. One day several years ago, my granddaughter (at the age of 3) was very mad about something and yelled out, "EVERYTHING IS NOTHING!" Everybody in the room busted up with laughter. I instantly thought of Bergman's quote.ReplyDelete
I also think he was the best. What I really liked/loved about him was that he totally lived on the dark side, way way far into the dark side. If he was starting out today, I'm not sure what he'd do
As to the poem (I deleted the last dis-jointed ramble I posted)sorry about that...
Anyway, it will get better! We've done it with five of them. Some sleep well, and others sleep only when we were wide awake. It will get better!
Hey Anthony, I agree with all comments posted. Parenthood, well, what can I say that the rest haven't? LOL...ReplyDelete
Not sure what your youth was like, but, if yours was like the many youth of today, where staying up till 6am for fun is a norm and on many occasions celebrated, then a couple of hours here and there without sleep when looked at from a window with a different view is not so bad. It will pass and subside and sleep does return into a state more familiar. In the meantime, try not going insane. It's not so bad. Been there, done that, and sure enough, it does pass away, just like a blink. It just seems to take forever while you're experiencing something that is not within your control.
Chin up, count your blessings and remember gratitude. Remember, that there are others out there that have it worse than you.
PS: My tone may sound cold, sarcastic etc., but hey, I'm just saying it as I think it. No offense hey. Cheers buddy :)
Thanks so much for all your comments guys.ReplyDelete
Pat, you did'nt have to delete yr comment. i had no problem with it..and i dont delete anyone's comments, even that nasty one i received on my other poem, We. Bergman is a Master and im still going through his collection. Yr granddaughters quote is a classic! I'm sure existentialists would totally agree.. lol
It is a joy and i do realise that I am lucky.. but im sure you all remember those middle of the night sessions when all you want is just 2 hours sleep.. anyway, she does sleep quite well, truth be told..just not when i want to.. haha, like Pat said.
All of this is of course, exacerbated by the fact that partner is limited to movement by crutches and cannot carry the baby.. so i have to do all the nappies..the putting to bed..taking out, baths etc.. plus all the cooking and everything else..and my part-time job..so things are abit tough..and have been for 4 months now..but i know there is a limit..well, at least until my partner is back on her feet and can share the load...though writing time is very difficult, its worth jotting down the odd line to document how i feel..
thanks for dropping by guys...its nice to know youre there.