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New Website: Anthony J. Langford Books.
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Books: Eclectic story collection Pseudo Stars out now!
Celebrating Cultural Diversity - June is Redneck Month.
Kind of like the O.C. but totally opposite.
Pray you don't end up there..without a mullet.
(A Feral or a Bogan is a redneck)
Meet Johnno, Timbo, Sez & Trace. And MG (Mud Guts).
(All twenty something. The boys live together, the girls next door
and across the road, MG with his Nana.)
Warning: Not for the easily offended..
Ep. 1 – Rent sucks.
Can Johnno get a job or will he kill someone trying?
Timbo scoffs his weetbix, milk in his uneven goatee. Johnno walks in wearing only boxer shorts. He cocks his leg and farts.
Timbo: 'Mate! I'm tryin to eat me fuckin breakfast!'
Johnno: 'Don't talk about food. I might puke. I drank too much last night.'
Timbo: 'Talk about food? I'm already eatin it!'
Johnno: 'Whatever.' (He plops onto the tattered, tartan couch and his balls fall out his boxers.) 'So you interested in Sez mate or what? I reckon she's got the hot twat for you mate.'
Timbo: (with a mouth full of food). 'She's alright but she got a freakin kid.' (Looks to Johnno). Oh come on Maaaate! I can shee ya balls! I'm tryin to eat here!'
Johnno: 'Ya didn't mind em last night you woz snorin and I plonked em in your mouth!'
Timbo: (sprays his weetbix across the floor) 'Whaaaaa...'
Johnno laughs and pats his back. 'Only kiddin mate. I can't even remember last night.' He sighs.: 'One of these days I gotta get me a job. Have to get to the dole office. Can't afford rent this week.'
Timbo: 'What? But it's your turn! We're fucked man. You suck.'
Johnno: 'I suck but I don't swallow. Besides, it's your turn to buy the booze.'
Timbo: 'Bullshit mate. I bought the case yesterdee.'
Johnno: 'Yeah and I bought the two cases before that ya possum shaggin gangsta!' (He lifts his leg and lets rip once more).
Timbo throws his bowl onto the wooden coffee table and half of it spills onto the copy of Ralph's 2004 swimsuit issue. 'Fuckin hell, you're a stink box! You need a doctor to pull out that dead cat's quarter pounder with mouldy cheese!'
Johnno scratches his balls. 'Ya might be right about the mouldy pussy. I reckon Trace has crabs.'
Timbo jumps to his feet. 'Get off me fuckin couch then ya fecal rabbit!'
Johnno laughs again. 'Jokin bro. I'm still tryin to get into her pants. I had less struggle from me cousin! Trace is friggin hard work.'
Timbo: 'It's not what the blokes down the pub say!'
Johnno points: 'Don't make jokes about me girl or I'll fuckin job ya! She's as hot as Satan's balls! A fair dinkum prize!'
Timbo: 'Prize alright! At last week's raffle, she was the prize!'
Johnno jumps to his feet and tackles Timbo and the coffee table upturns and the weetbix go flying like vomit and they roll around half naked wrestling.
Timbo: 'You asshole gremlin!'
Johnno: 'Ya mum's an asshole!'
Timbo: 'Least I got a mum!'
Johnno suddenly gets mad and bitch slaps hard Timbo in the face.
Timbo: 'Ow! Jerry Gee Lewis! What the fuck you do that for ya psycho?'
Johnno holds up his fist: 'Don't say shit about me dead mum!'
Timbo: 'She's not dead!'
Johnno: 'One day she will be!'
Timbo struggles to stand, clasping his face. 'Anyway, I thought you were s'posed to be goin to the dole office, not that any dildo would be stupid enough to give you one.'
Johnno: 'Yeah tomorrow man. Today I'm gunna whip your bony virgin kazoo in Wii Fit!'
Timbo: 'You're on Moose fucker! Can we drink beer and do it from the couch?'
Johnno: 'Der. Does a fish shit in the woods?'
Next time. Does Timbo fancy Sez, or is he put off because she's a 20 yr old mother? Will MG finally reveal his secrets? And can Trace tell her Johnno that she really does have crabs? Or will Johnno get into her pants first?