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I don't why I'm like this


Very personal poem ahead. Some serious navel gazing involved. Read on at own risk. 

I just don't know anymore


I don’t know why

I’m never satisfied.


I don’t know why

Happiness is so fleeting.


I don’t know why

There’s so much disappointment.


I don’t know why

I want things I can’t have.


I don’t know why

I obsess over things

That I can’t control.


I don’t know why

I imagine arguments

I’ll never have.


I don’t know why

I want to change the world

When I can’t change myself.


I don’t know why

I invest so much in people

Especially in the ones

Who give nothing back.


I don’t know why

I hurt so much

Over things small

And yet to happen.


I don’t know why

I feel so let down

And shunned.


I don’t know why

I feel like a failure

When there’s evidence to the contrary.


I don’t know why

I expect so much

Of myself

And others

When decades of experience

And reading philosophy

And understanding of self

Has already shown me

How it goes.


I don’t know why

I write

Or expect others to be interested.


Maybe if I read back

I’ll see the thread

And realise

That I do know why

And that the real question is

How to stop?




1.40 am (sober)

Can you relate to this? At least, to parts of it?

I don't think I'm much good on my own. My natural default setting isn't good. It's not all the time but that thinking is not isolated.

When I'm with others, I can kind of fake it and before I know it, I'm having fun. I laugh a lot with other people. I'm the opposite of the above. (Jekyll and Hyde?)

Three weeks before this was written I met someone. She's a lot younger than I so I haven't talked about it much. 8 months on, we're still together. She has had a huge impact on my well-being. (Positive for now. The misery will come later 😉)

I think the drug withdrawal problem has made it worse (read here), but my insecurity/depression has always been there, as far back as I can remember. Certainly to teenage days. However, there's a lot to be grateful for so must keep reminding myself of the good things.

A.J. Langford Books

Have a good week.



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