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My Haunting - Living with Depression

A Creative Expression
of living with Depression

My ambiguity is my soul mate. My unclasped handshake wrapped around a free for all, anything goes cacophony of feeling in chaos, ordered in its randomness. It is unbridled and undisciplined. It is never quiet. It never leaves me. At least it’s consistent.

It writhes out of its translucent malleable shell in quieter moments, as if to prevent the peace I seek. It slithers a trail of oily tears in a complex pattern that fascinates and annoys. I should be doing more. I should be doing less. This is not what I ordered. I’m in the wrong place.

It bursts from its shell in an explosive panic ridden rage in times of stress. It bites me from behind my eyes. It yearns for me to direct its frustration at those who frustrate me (or is it simply exploiting me?) It is both powerful and pathetic, as no matter how I (it) yearns for violent escape, it suffers and seethes incommunicado.

I continue to conjure solutions, yet as I age, and my familiarity with this nameless foe intensifies, I sense the futility of combatance. It is more than detection. I’ve long grown accustomed to battle fatigue. Perhaps the peak has been crossed and it’s too shrouded in mist (or dusk) to see the down slope. Is this the way of things? How it goes for me? And for all the other me’s before? A laying down of arms. A handing over. A joining of forces. This is the union. For better. For worse. Good night. 

"You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star." 
~ Friedrich Nietzsche


  1. Nietzche's quote seems the perfect tag-on to this, Anthony. It's beautiful, agonizing, human. xo

  2. Chaos is better than calm nothingness. I can identify with the poem, especially at directing my frustration at others, been thinking a bit lately that it's probably me at fault. But I really feel like I am on the down slope now.

    1. Cheers Graham. Im hoping you mean youre frustration is on the down, and not your emotional state. Chaos: That double edged sword.

  3. Wow!! That is such a powerful piece made me cry - could see into your soul - choas is beautiful and totally necessary to give rise to the new - it's the way since the universe came into existence

    1. Thank you. Yes thats true. We're all little bunches of chaos, some more than others.

  4. I’ve read this a few times now. I even walked through the house reading it out loud so I could feel it completely. It’s very deep and the feelings are consuming. It’s a beautiful sadness and a glorious caos,although I’m sure not everyone agrees is glorious. I feel your soul in these words! Thank you for sharing your soul.


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