You can't escape yourself but sometimes...

 

The Ultimate Escape

trapped in your head by elmuerteunicorn74-dab3qkc at deviantart

I'm my own worst enemy. Most of my (life-long) issues are between my ears. Anxiety depression etc. 

When I wrote this four months ago, I was frustrated by it and came up with a type of solution.

Oh for God's Sake

 

It’s reached this point

As all drastic solutions do

Through a process

Of time funnelling

That realisation strikes

That the only true escape

Can be made possible

By ghosting myself.

 

I’ll shut myself

Down and out

Refuse to respond

Accept the inevitable

Acceleration

Borne of desperation

While burrowing into that hole

Head down

Arse up

Refuting acknowledgement

No matter

How hard the pounding.

 

Surely

I’ll get the hint eventually.

 

25.3.24

5.45 pm

(I was to get far worse over the following 3 months).

 

How nice it would be to be able to ghost yourself!

I think I am actually a good man. People tell me that a lot. I'm the one who struggles being within this frame.

'Caged without Walls' is a metaphor for not being able to escape yourself. It's the title of my 2013 poetry collection. The line comes from a poem in the book, I can't recall which. (Now 40% off).

This year, 2024 has been one of the worst for it. I had a difficult break-up with my girlfriend. I acknowledge much of it was my own reactions and fears. What actually matters is that my daughter is okay. My work is okay. I'm paying my bills and surviving, unlike many. My life is actually okay. But if your head isn't well, then it's a potential nightmare.

Indeed some people don't survive it at all. I hit a very low point this year. The lowest of my life. I was lucky to get out of it. I'm still struggling but working hard on getting better. I have a long ways to go for sure.

Ghosting

Do you have practices to improve your moods? Can you identify with wanting to escape, not just a situation but yourself? I'd love to hear your experience. And maybe learn from you. Despite everything I've read and heard over 'self-care' etc, I still need to hear it. And everyone's experience is not the same. 

More Poetry

A.J. Langford Books

I hope you have some peace in your life. It may be the most precious thing of all.

Until next time,

Anthony.

Why modern poetry sucks...

Hi,

How's life treating you? 

Let's change the tone this week. 

(Written a few years ago, maybe 2019).

Most 'modern' poets praise the classics that came before, without exhibiting any of the rebelliousness and individuality that made those innovators great. The newbies follow the classics style without understanding their heart. They copy each other even more so. 

           

There's nothing more dull than the modern political rant. 😩 

(Usually with a large dose of ignorance and hypocrisy).

There’s always been these sycophantic bores who sprout mirror copies of those long gone and profess to know what it means. The point is and has always been, to make your own point and forget what has become before. Forget what is popular. Stand your ground. Live on the edge and be prepared to fall on your sword. Make your mark to suit yourself. If others don't like it, so be it. Whether the work has any actual longevity or not, well, only time can decide that.

To be fair, these days I just stay clear of modern poets. I've seen too bad ones to bother. There's only one I like. Actually, I love his work. He's an artistic genius. You can find him Here. 

And I do like Rupi Kaur too. Very simple but honest. 



I've saved my best Poetry for submissions (and my books) but I no longer send material out so I'm going to be sharing them with you. (Again, this post was drafted years ago so I've already been sharing some. There are hundreds that I haven't and probably never will). 

Meanwhile, look back on what I've made available through this site plus my two poetry books below. Us & Them and the things in-between is also half stories. 

My Poetry

Until next time,

Peace

Anthony

Meditations on Love and Loss

Click photo for link

'Caged' A Metaphor for depression

+ a variety of other poems

Click photo for link

https://www.anthonyjlangfordbooks.com/

Peace

Anthony

I DO NOT! (Or did I already do it?)

 

Warning - Rant Ahead. 

This was written in 2010 before I had any books published. Did I stick to my guns?

I  D O  N O T

 

I do not aspire to be the next Bruce Courtney. I do not aspire to be the next Di Morrissey. I do not aspire to be like Matthew Reilly. I don't aspire to be the next Dan Brown. Or Stephen King (even though I like his early books). Or Stephanie Myer, (God Forbid) or any other mainstream populist novelist.

They are the entertainers of their day and that is their right. They are the circus come to town. They are clowns in paint and frivolity. The court jesters in rhyme and folly.

 

But they will not be worth a word beyond their time. Their work will be forgotten as quickly as it was consumed. The McDonalds of Publishing.

 

I aspire to create something that is worthwhile, that I can be proud of. That perhaps can be admired by a few, and that's all I'm after, as long as it has some merit. Who wants to leave this world knowing what they did and left behind was disposable, as disposable as the day they created it?

Gone. Forgotten. Yesterday's story.

It's like an architect who wants their work to be respected in decades hence, rather than a kit home than will only suffice. For Now.

 

Sure we might need them. The masses have to be entertained somehow. But just don't justify it to me. Don't tell me your worth more than the literary sect, because you sell the most. Or that they really want to be like you, but can't do it. You're totally misguided. You're only kidding yourselves. Bubble gum. Burger. Coke. Takeaway coffee. Daily newspaper.

 

Circa 2009

They claim that their mass appeal gives them worthiness. That numbers speak higher than critics. And it may provide them the means with which to exist comfortably. But we all meet in the same place in the end, and I'd rather have left something worth savouring, perhaps kept in a dusty bookcase or drawer somewhere, or even relegated to some digital archive as something perhaps worth reviewing to some future individual, than end up as recycled pulp for next year's toilet paper.

 

History has taught us that these mainstream diatribes do not survive. I'll take my chances. For I must be able to hold my head high, that I wrote to satisfy art, and to satisfy myself, than to satisfy the masses. I cannot think of a crime more heinous, than a person with artistic qualities, however minute, who shelved them in pursuit of something far more shallow. That is a crime that one cannot return from.

 

I'd rather die in obscurity that aim for the so called Bestseller List. I will never be there. I'll make sure of it. If by some absurd situation, I do, then I have failed.

 

12/5/2010

Pen is mightier ... Around 2010

Bit harsh on Stephen King. I love his books. He'll be remembered for a long time.

I certainly had a lot of confidence then, even arrogance perhaps. Maybe that's what was required in order to get to the point where books could be written and published. It took a lot of drive and work.

Since then I have had nine books published, from 2012 - 2022. If you've read any of them, maybe you will know if I stuck to the ideals of that idealistic, determined writer. Did I?

Bottomless River - Novella

Caged Without Walls - Poetry Collection

For your pleasure - Poems and art coffee table book (collaboration with Paolo Rassu)

Pseudo Stars - Story Collection

Allowing a love to die is not murder - Poetry Collection (on relationships)

A Refugee's Rage - Novella

Lone Wolf World - Novel

Perve - Novel

Us & Them and the things in-between - Story/Poetry Collection

(This post, July 2024).

Questions for now;

Have I lost my drive? Yes. Much of it is due to anti-depressant withdrawal. My story here.  It's robbed me of my confidence. 

Will I ever write another book? I don't know. Not in the near future.

Do I have books ready to be published? Yes

Will I publish them? I don't know. Maybe one or two but not all. 

Does anyone care? Probably not haha.

If you have read any though, I would be interested in your opinion.

My Books HERE

or try these Amazon Author links.

Amazon Profile 1

Amazon Profile 2

Until next time,

Peace

Anthony

It's not My fault. It's THEM!

Divide and Conquer

The Motto of Our Times 

Whine and Dine and be Divine

The world has seen

The Bronze Age

The Iron Age

and The Golden Age.

There was once

The Age of Innocence

The Age of Enlightenment

The Romantic Age

The Sexual Revolution Age

The Age of Industry

We Now live in 

The Age of Blame

"It's someone else's fault

I'm just a victim of their games."

Accept no responsibility

Deny all accountability

Play victim

And watch another get removed

In the Greatest Game of All

The Cancellation Game

Anyone can play!

Make an accusation

And watch them fade away...

Not my best poem but an accurate and ongoing reality in an era of demonization, censorship and 'removal' of anyone who dares has their own opinion.

I tried to learn where this image came from but it's been removed, hence it's low quality as it's just a thumbnail. How ironic. 

My YouTube Channel

A.J. Langford Books

We all need these

Hey,

How you doing?

These past three weeks (really four months), I've had a hell of a time. We all have our problems of course. When your mental reserves are very low, then everything becomes difficult. Work, travel, getting out the door. But when faced with a big problem it becomes completely overwhelming. I feel like I barely got through. Let's just say I can see why people take drastic steps they can't return from.

Might explain more down the track but for now, I just want to push on and try to get back to normal. So here's a little one from the archives. Not published before.

Inherent to humanity is...

Stories

 

A story is a good thing

We need it

Even if we really don’t understand

Why

It’s not as simple as entertainment

Or escapism

Or looking for a person parallel

Or any of these clichés

It goes to the heart of communication

Between two people

Or more.

 

Otherwise we wouldn’t give a shit

What anyone said

Words flying off unnoticed into the breeze

Including to ourselves

As the deranged already understand

The need to hear a voice

It’s in our synapses

Bones and all

The need for a story

In text, film, TV or song

And if that don’t cut it

We’ll listen to some other wanker prattle on

Without telling them to shut the fuck up

Because no matter how bad it gets

We still want to know

…and then what…

 

 2012

(I certainly wouldn't write 'deranged' in a poem now but neither would I censor something written years ago).

I really do hope you're well. I know some on my reading list are going through really challenging times. Suffering is part of life but doesn't mean we can't talk to others or seek help or put up our hands in despair. We just want to know that someone is on our side. And a few were for me. You know who you are. Thank you.

Peace

Anthony

A.J. Langford Books

 

A poem for my teenage daughter, though perhaps more for her future self

 

Hi,

A little personal this week. 

Children. Teenagers. Parenthood. No walk in the park. A lot of rewards. Depends on the age and stage of life and what our own lives consist of. Like all relationships, sometimes they flourish with little effort, others, only difficulties despite the work.

As of this poem, my daughter is thirteen. She will need me again but not now. That's hard to deal with.

It's a normal rite of passage yet brings up a range of polarising feelings.

Covet

 

In the same way

That being older

Made me a better parent

It created a tougher time

For the turmoil

Of teenage hood.

 

There’s no easy way through

On either side

A survival of the tsunami

Made through endurance.

 

Though my coping ability

Is far less

Than a decade or so prior

Though I waltzed out the door

Once before

So perhaps not.

 

Yet, now there’s nowhere

To walk to

No escape

For the prisoner

Who built

His own cell.

 

I hope for a happy outcome

Though my tank is already empty

And the journey ahead

Too long.

 

So, I’ll say sorry now

Daughter

That I couldn’t do better

And take the responsibility

Which is mine to own.

 

 

8.4.24

7.55 pm.

 

In 2022, not long before 'the change' aged 11 1/2.

To be fair to her, I'm not the same as I was two years ago either. Hence this poem I suppose.

Off for a few weeks 'head' break. Not a holiday. 

There's plenty of diverse, original videos over at My YouTube Channel and daily posts on my Facebook Author Page.

Hope you're well. 

Peace

Anthony

A.J. Langford Books

Ambitions - Trying to create a future

 

We may have plans for the future but other factors will have their say.

Ambitions (in the scheme of things)

 

We were born in valleys

And moss encrusted fissures

Like million year old lichen

Eager for un-time stamped journeys.

 

The urge for individualistic dreams

Buried in nature’s progression

Unbeknownst to us

Chuckling, steaming, scheming

To the golden carrot

On a string

Locked in targets

And battles blossoming

As surging spawn seeks

To spread

To filter

To lead

While particles continue to harden

On fallen rocks.

 

Pre-occupations soar

Cutting colour into the sky

While continental plates

Groan

With ne’er an eye

To what’s Above.

2013

Ambition seems furthermost from my mind these days. A decade ago, was a different story (yet with a grip on the tangible). Always good to dig back into the older works. The newer ones seem too gloomy. Though perhaps more honest. 

No-one gives a fuck anyway. The work finds who it should. And misses the rest. That's just how it is.

A.J. Langford Books

Until next time,

Peace

Anthony

Video - Crackle like a record

Life is hard but sometimes the toughest battle is that within.

We're stuck in our own heads, like being caged without walls. 

This video is a poem I wrote about anxiety, written during a bad (yet endless) stretch.

Please watch Crackle HERE

Words 2020 / Video 2022

Yes, Caged without Walls is the name of my first poetry collection, published 2013. Many detail my own struggles and the struggles of others. So this is nothing new for me but now is an especially hard time.

My Anti-Depressant Nightmare

More Videos on My YouTube Channel

A.J. Langford Books

Hope you're faring okay. If not, loving life!

Peace

Anthony