Nice to see you.



2018 Best New Talent - Short and Sweet Festival Sydney
2014 Pushcart Prize nominee. (more)

Books: Eclectic story collection Pseudo Stars out now!


anthonyjlangford2@yahoo.com.au


Sexiest Literature of all Time...? (warning adult content)



Sexiest Literature of all Time... or Fornication Farce?  



I just realised, as I began writing, that you're not going to believe me.

It was my birthday recently and my lovely Auntie asked me if I wanted a book. I said don't worry but she insisted. Nicely of course. So I went on a hunt of Best of lists to see what was out there.
I came across this post. Naturally I had to investigate.





I don't know whether to phuck you or pluck you...



This wasn't created by some shitty blogger ... but by Esquire Magazine, published in March 2017.

I'll save you the trouble of going through the list but as I read their text grabs from each book my mouth gaped in horror. Not at the language or so called eroticism, but at how badly written it is.
Take note, each line is from a different book. Here we go:



Even dead, Drenka gave him a hard-on; alive or dead... He came on her grave many nights.


She nuzzles her cunt into my face like a filly at the gate.


Had the same effect on me


For a moment he had an impulse to embrace her. He had a stronger impulse to beat her


He knew all sorts of expert angles, his hands never fumbling, going over my whole body, pressing the hair up and off the back of my head, giving an extra hip shove, as if to say There."



 


Dean comes—it's like a hemorrhage



(By the way, none of the books in this dodgy list are what I would call classics. Fanny Hill is a classic. Lolita. Tropic of Cancer etc.)




When he enters her, when this throbbing, cyclamen-headed, silken, apoplectic fifth limb of his reaches as near to her center as her pelvis will allow, he, in it, will be returning, she believes, to the origins of his desire.


 ...looking him straight in the eye, she insisted she had not had an orgasm even though the rug was fairly dripping with it."


Her muscles were rigid and she held her breath. Ribcage turned into two parallel rollercoaster tracks. 


Her slick firm body was shameless yet did not reveal, as her more virginal intercourse once had done, the inner petals drenched in helpless nectar."


"Jerk after jerk of Jason's artisanal come filled her rejoicing twathole. 'Now quick, hop on this cockbranch.' 


You're going to say Octopussy aren't you...



And now we'll come to you.
(Terrible I know but couldn't resist).

Thoughts?

  

More Satire