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2014 Pushcart Prize nominee. (more)
Contact: anthonyjlangford2@yahoo.com.au

Fat Shaming. No blaming. Part Two


Fat shaming has to end.


Part Two of Two

(Part One here).



          Why is there many more obese people than ever before I hear you say with your pointed, condescending finger? Because there’s so many phones and computers now. Did we make them? No. Maybe Apple should pay for diet programs. It’s mostly their fault anyway. Not that I’d go on a diet. They’re just out to make money out of you. I won’t give those criminals a cent! Besides, they don’t work. It’s a rort!



See? She's miserable.
   
Also exercise sucks. Who enjoys it? It’s a killer! Plus it’s boring. I’ve got far more important things to do. Did you know that exercise can be very hard on the heart? Plenty of folks have died while riding a bike. And driving on roads is purely suicidal! (Not that I drive anymore. I have trouble getting comfortable behind the wheel. Too cramped in there. Ridiculous!)



     

    
   Jogging is bad too. It’s really terrible for the joints! Ask any fifty year old jogger! I know this exercise freak who has arthritis in his leg and he’s only thirty nine! Plus, he’s had two hip replacements. Two! (Actually he may be forty nine. Or is he fifty nine? I forget). Anyway, exercise is way overrated. They didn’t have gyms a thousand years ago did they, and they survived just fine!


Chillaxing. No gyms. No fat!


       Don’t believe everything the media tells you. History has proven that they’ve been lying to us, the public, forever, because they want to control us. Don’t be fooled. Don’t be intimidated. Be proud. Be fat. Nobody lives forever anyway. I know we can change society’s attitude if we stand up and unite. And I know there’s plenty of us out there because I see heaps of fat, um, plus-size people everywhere! We can do it! (I’m a rebel by nature).


Sure it's embarrassing, but at least it's still one fare!




       I will never pay for an extra seat on a plane for instance. I am not two people. One heart. One person. I don't care if you need six arms to wrap around me, I'm one! Get over it!








      I don’t care if my bones won’t support my weight after I’m sixty five or even sixty. I like sitting on the couch. (I love reality TV). And if I get diabetes or have kidney failure or liver failure or a heart attack, then I will adopt I take that line from the movie Starship Troopers just before the troops go into battle against the space bugs. “Come on you apes! Do you wanna live forever?”


Fact: Plus size people more likely to survive an accident or alien attack. All that extra organ protection!



Written by a friend who wishes to remain anonymous.




Part One here.





Fat Shaming is inflaming - Part One





Fat shaming has to end.



Part One of Two





      
        It’s out of control now. If people want to be fat, it’s their choice. I mean, who doesn’t like food? Who doesn’t like a hamburger, fries, thick-shakes or a squishy mud cake? If anything, it’s the manufactures fault for producing it. And governments for allowing so much of it into our supermarkets. Shame on them. Forget fat shaming. It should be corporate shaming! Politicians shaming! There goes a politician. Eww gross!



       Sure there are many healthy options now. Much more than for years and years. Sure there are many TV shows, online videos and recipes (Jamie Oliver) giving us simple and cheap options. Some are even in pre-packaging to make it easy, but really, who’s got the time? I know I don’t. It’s a busy world out there.



Resist, if you can.  Plus with healthy fruit!




      Besides, coke and potato chips are damn fine and icing coated donuts are soooo yummy! 









See? It's depression. Get over it.


       Actually many of us have medical conditions. We’re big boned. Look it up. It’s much more prevalent than all those Health Professional Nazis would have you believe. AND we have eating disorders. We're depressed and we eat. Simple. Like people drink. Or take drugs. And sure there is help for them if they want it but maybe we dont want it! It's our prerogative








Plenty of us can’t help it. It’s like saying someone should be white instead of black. We can’t help the way we’re born. It’s in our DNA! (Did I sound racist? I didn’t mean to. I’d love to be black. I reckon I’ve got a black woman’s booty. I’m damn proud of it! Move over Serena Williams!)






      Plenty of guys love plus sized women too. Ever heard of BBW’s? Yeah. There’s a whole legion of Chubby Chasers out there. Imagine how they’d feel if we became sticks like those anorexic grasshoppers? They’d be devastated. It ain’t right.


You go girl!



       Are we ugly? Hell no! Beauty is only skin deep peeps! We’d be hot if we were slimmer! Can’t they see past the cellulite? Cellulose. Whatever. We can see it! We can imagine exactly what we’d look like if we lost the jowls, multiple chins and a stomach like a dead whale carcass. We have our rights too, just like Muslims and other minorities.





      A person is only that after all; flawed and imperfect. I challenge anyone to show their flaws to the world like plus size people do. It’s not easy. It’s really, really hard! We’re not fishing for sympathy. We’re being brave, pioneers in a way. This is us. We’re fat and we’re proud. 


Written by a friend who wishes to remain anonymous.



Part Two coming soon!





A plot cooked up






Lust and the Cooking Lesson


He simply ran out of time
To practice his hastily learned
Cooking skills
In order to impress her
To try and fail
Was not worth an attempt

So he ordered delivery
And she was none the wiser.

Hours wasted
Weeks planning
Months pining
For those succulent few minutes
That would never tick over.

As fate would dictate
The order was far too late
And not up to expectation
Which she subconsciously
Associated the inadequacies
With him
Doomed to failure.

The eventual outcome
Was perhaps inevitable
The fallout being his appetites
Which sent him to trouble
In the first place.







More Satire Bytes
More Poetry.



Life's Last Great Adventure!





A Fortunate Death


I remember when I died
The pivotal moment
The ultimate experience
Life’s Last
Great Adventure.

So they promised.

Talk about premature ejaculation
A mess without the fun
The climax without the excitement.

I turned,
Tripped
Okay, I was slightly heavy after Christmas
Not paying attention
And Hollywood Star headed
To concrete ground.
http://www.karlpersson.org/

Didn’t leap up
To carry on the fight
Nor was struck down
By an evil bastard.

A mere, pathetic victim
Of my own ill attention.

Incompetence killed the beast
Hardly epitaph worthy
Right?

What a disappointment
My death was.
Fucking cancer
Would have been better
At least for memorable lines such as
Worthy battles.

Not even hard done by enough
To return as a haunting
No…
A slapstick vaudevillian ghost
To make Casper
Crack up.

Such is life,
Ned said.

Such is death,
I portrayed.

Life’s Last Fuckup.






Ciao bella





Merry Christmas... and Top 10 songs of 2015


Thank you for still being here. You're pretty cool. *;) winking

May good things come your way this Christmas and in the times ahead.

Best to you and your loved ones. Stay healthy.








Top 10 songs of 2015


In no particular order



















































Other great tracks
(a couple are from previous year)

Violet - Death of the author
#1 Dads - Camberwell
Mark Ronson -Feel Right (feat. Mystikal)
Spookyland - Bulimic
Tupelo Honest - Halo
The death of pop - Headaches
The Game by Priest
Pompeii - Loom
New Order - Nothing But A Fool
Trabants - Mecca
We Were Promised Jetpacks - I Keep It Composed
Circa Waves - T-Shirt Weather
Metric - The Shade
Ought - Beautiful Blue Sky



Best of 2014




P.S.


Good enough for the International Space Station, Good enough for you.
Go see Star Wars.




Fifteen reasons why Return of the Jedi is a bad film


Jedi a good film it is not. (in no particular order)
 


  • It’s forced (excuse the horrible pun). There are more false moments than a Ukrainian politician’s losing speech. Anyone who understands the rhythm and truth of film-making will recognise this. Let’s go into more detail.

  • Empire was a mature work. It had emotional depth far superior than the original yet lost none of the fun nor excitement. At times the dialogue let it down (You’re a nerf herder!), but thankfully this is rare. In a few extraordinary moments, it’s an arthouse film within a large budget sci-fi realm, thanks primarily to its director and screenwriter. Alas for instalment three, it was NOT a case of ‘if it ain’t broke don’t fix it’.





  • Perhaps not a huge mis-step but it happens early. Leia is undercover. Her helmet and male voice is pretty cool except she uses approximately three words to convey whole sentences. Watch the subtitles change while her language does not. The alien language is undeveloped here. Also, having her take off her helmet tends to also remove the plausibility of other bounty hunters/robots. It devalues the mystique of the world that is created. Oh it’s Leia! So despite the male voice, alien language, alien facial features complete with a mini data screen where the eyes should be, it’s just some dude with a helmet.


  • Jabba’s palace. From the moment the Gamorrean guards appear until the end of the Tatooine sequence we are presented with a pretty bad Muppet show. All of the aliens look fake, even in the special edition. Jabba is the best of the bad lot. Given his size, we can forgive him but the rest look amateurish. In one scene, Max Rebo, the blue guy in the band, completely bends his obviously rubber nose. The little guy Salacious Crumb is extremely annoying. And the puppet is not sophisticated by any means. They’ve taken the success of the Cantina Bar and extended it. That sequence worked because of the sharp editing. The creatures were often fake looking but we never saw them but for a few seconds. Not in this over-long section.


Some of the more humanoid shaped aliens around the Sarlacc Pit sequence look better but we don’t too see much of them. It’s The Muppets Show. The laughing of Jabba and Salacious feels like the two old guys (Statler and Waldorf) on the balcony dishing out shit to the stage performers.



          



  • The Rancor Monster. Speaking of puppets, this one is unconvincing. It looks exactly like what it is (for the most part), a puppet with a hand up its ass. It looked false at the time. Luke kills it far too easily. Also he has a command of the Force, as he has demonstrated so far, so why does he need to throw a rock at the door lock? Can't he close it by himself? Can’t he use the Force to hurl it at the lock? He’s done a lot more than that in the scenes prior. Lame. The Mon Calamari are very effective. But it’s an exception rather than the rule. Look, you can get away with puppets if the execution is good. In Jedi, it is not.



  • Special effects. I could easily highlight each individual shot that is sub-par but let’s lump them together. The blue screen/rear screen projection looks incredibly fake. Given that Star Wars was made six years earlier, with a third of the budget, this is a huge letdown. One sequence in which it is devastatingly obvious is the speeder bike sequence. It’s an exciting sequence. The background plates are awesome, thanks to the Steadicam work, revolutionary at the time, yet the superimposition of Luke and Leia and many other shots over the top aren’t credible at all. The explosions and people falling off look great but so much of it doesn’t hold up. It looks exactly what it is, Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher in the studio. You couldn’t say that with anything in Star Wars.








  • The editing. It’s the longest of the three films. Shots hang on longer than they should. It’s too loose. In the ominous sequences featuring Vader and The Emperor (and later Luke) it works quite well, but the rest of it needs tightening up. It drags where it should be exciting.

  • Boba Fett. Ah the near silent foreboding assassin. You don’t want to mess with this guy. The only reason he doesn’t fuck with the Empire or vice versa, is their shared interest in this particular financial deal. So why of all of a sudden, does he become an extra to Jabba’s pussy filled part goers? It’s unworthy of him. He has none of his presence from Empire. The simplistic way in which he is dispatched reeks of lazy writing. He deserved a more fitting end. It’s sad. Speaking of poor character resolvement…







  • Yoda dies off far too quickly, without build up and with little emotional impact. In Empire he was such a strong character. Here he's barely registers a presence. It also seems almost pointless for Luke to return to Dagobah, only to conveniently watch Yoda pass. Lame. Which leads us to…










  • The Ewoks. If you were under ten when you first saw Jedi, you will accept them. How I Met Your Mother cleverly analysed ‘The Ewok Line’ and it sits true. At the time, for which the film was made, the fans had literally grown up with the series. Lucas said from the outset that Star Wars was made for ten year old boys. Which meant that by 1983, they were sixteen. If you’re making a trilogy over six years, and had made an emotional maturation with film two, why on earth would you go backwards with film three?  Jedi is more immature and pandering to children than the first film, which didn't pander by the way; it transcended age. The Ewoks are a sickly, deliberate attempt to lure/appease young children, which didn’t sit well with the darkness of the Skywalker duel, let alone the trilogy as a whole. It would have been far more effective to have a tribe of Wookies. I can believe that Wookies could have defeated the Empire’s forces but not a bunch of teddy bears. It makes the Empire weak. They're not a foreboding enemy anymore. It takes all of the danger out of it. Having Wookies could have also added a sub-layer for Chewbecca’s evolution, a back-story to be explained (perhaps in the prequels). The Ewoks themselves weren’t a huge mistake but the way in which they were presented was.





  • This is possibly the worst decision e entire original trilogy. Why the hell does Leia need to be Luke’s brother? We’ve seen them making out in the previous film. It’s a primary reason not to go there. It’s incest for God’s sake! Luke is driven in the first film to rescue the Princess, like the swashbuckling epics of old. She’s beautiful he says. To make him her brother is clearly a last minute decision. Sure Yoda mentions it in Empire but why then would you have them make out? It’s ludicrous and a more than little pervy. You immediately grasp that Lucas is making it up as he goes along, despite his bullshit that it’s all part of his manifesto. As Jar Jar says, Pwease! The worst part is, that this horrendous decision to make them siblings is really moot. Very little comes out of it. It isn’t necessary at all. Leia does nothing with her power. If this had been in any other film the studio would have vetoed it but Lucas was too powerful by then. It’s a lack of respect for the millions that has sworn loyalty to his saga. Shame on him. He got lazy. He got complacent. Something he would repeat with his misfired prequels.




  • Darth Vader. Oh dear, what a letdown. So it turns out that he is a wizened nice white guy who loves his son. No, no no. Okay, so they’ve already established him as white after Empire, which isn’t exactly satisfying but it’s already in place. (A mistake there too.) Why did he have to be so goddamn nice? Make him more tortured or something. It just doesn’t sit right with the Vader we’ve known and (lovingly) hated throughout the entire trilogy. Don’t even mention that shot at the very end with the ‘hallowed’ dead in halo. It’s piss weak.



  • Jedi repeats too much of the earlier films. Luke’s trip to Dagobah. Extended Cantina Bar (Jabba’s Party Palace). The Death Star in reconstruction. The ticking time bomb story. The fight down the trench, I mean, the internal shafts etc. etc. You’d think that the Empire would have learneda from the attack on the first Death Star and not had their huge weakness so accessible. Also it only takes three shots from the Falcon to set off the old ‘chain reaction’ and completely destroy the thing. This is old territory almost completely rehashed. I’m guessing it’s so that Lucas could throw in some more ships into his frame, as he was obsessed with doing in the prequels. Haven’t you heard that less is more George? They could have possibly gotten away with it if it had been written well enough. Unfortunately it isn’t.

  • The last act with the Emperor works well even if it is repetitive. Search your feelings. You don’t know the power of the dark side. Join us! How many times do we hear these same words? The script is not developed enough. It feels rushed. It needs a lot of work, especially in the first half. They should have thrown out half the story and begun again. Overall the writing comes nowhere near the quality of the work done by Lawrence Kasdan and co in film two. They haven’t pushed it as far as they should have. Parts of the story are there but the execution falls short. This is what happens when you reach a point of huge success. You get complacent. Lucas has already lost it.


  • Perhaps the last thing, without going into detail, is the direction. Richard Marquand was not a great director. Unfortunately he died soon after so we don’t really know what he was capable of but he certainly didn’t have enough behind him to cement a film as huge as this. Some of the acting is poor. Take the line, ‘But you’ll die,’ from Luke. It’s terrible. Or Luke’s soliloquy to Jabba. 'You can either profit by this or be destroyed.’ Or the whole brother- sister discussion on Endor. It’s cringe worthy. It’s poorly directed. Thought the material wasn’t great. One wonders if Marquand wasn’t chosen because he was easier to manipulate than the experienced Irvin Kershner (and thank God for him. Craft and subtlety is evident in his work). Perhaps Kershner battled with Lucas. We know that producer Gary Kurtz certainly did. We also know that Lucas was a control freak even before Star Wars was a hit. Perhaps we should be thankful that he was, for he gave us the entire universe. Yet, at some point, he went too far and lost sight of what was good, what was important. He lost sight of filmic principles that he had utilised in his previous works. If you read up enough about the original Star Wars, much of it was driven by others, such as editor Paul Hirsch and sound editor, Ben Burtt whose sounds for R2-D2 was so successful that R2’s role was increased during the editing phase (a rarity these day when sound is the very last thing to be added).



Sometimes, magic gets into a film and its better than even the film-makers planned for. The Wizard of Oz, The Sound of Music and Star Wars. There's no magic here. Neither could you expect there to be. Three great films in a row? It just doesn't happen. Alien, Batman, Superman, X-Men, Matrix, etc. None can pull off a brilliant hat trick and this is no different.


Early poster



There’s many individual reasons for failure but despite its gloss and high budget, Jedi is a poor conclusion to the first two films which were magnificent. Rhythm and truth were lost. Simplicity was lost. Subtlety was lost. These are important factors in film-making. Lucas became 'more powerful than you can possibly imagine'. By Jedi, he had already passed his peak. Raiders had already been made. Spielberg seemed to be in control thereafter. Watching the Indy films feels much more like a Spielbergian experience that a Lucas one.


I for one, as a teenager at the time who went to the Jedi Premiere was very disappointed by the experience, and the prequels to follow. Lucas insisted over and over again that his vision had to be adhered to, until the end, no matter what other opinions may have interjected, or offered to assist. Not all his fault of course. By then everyone was crawling up his ass regardless. Nonetheless he was a filmic despot of Caligula-esque proportions. His will drove him to success and power, only to have it corrupt him. Such a shame for a man who gave us so much, only to take it all away again.




Having said all of that, ROTJ is still preferable to the horrendous, lifeless prequels.

Now that the franchise is in the hands of others, I pray that they won’t make the same mistake(s). It seems in good hands for Episode 7 but you know what they say about history.

Repeating

Repeating

Repeating




The new Ice Cream from ISIS!


The World's Worst brings out the World's Best!

Ice-Y!

The new Ice Cream from ISIS!

An assault on your taste buds! 





In all new home-blown flavours


  • Desert Brown Chocolate
  • Fatwa Fanta
  • Caliphate Cookie Cream
  • Blood Red Strawberry
  • And our favourite, Beheaded Banana!


In our all new cone, shaped exactly like an assault rifle!





Get Jihadi on your family! They’ll all want one!
Convert… Or die!




Mother did not want ice cream, so we made a meal out of her!





Eat your greens, then you get the ice cream!
(Remember: make sure no woman is at your table)






Buy Five Ice-Y's and we'll throw in an under-aged virgin! 







You scream, we all scream, then we cream the non believers!



Coming soon:

Circle Jerk Sundae

Approved by all our boys!





It'll blow you away...



More Satire 

Post Number 300


A milestone for me. 


Three hundred posts of original creative content, not memes, not reposts, not recipes, opinion pieces nor what I got up to on my holiday. Almost all of it is poetry, stories, video poetry and series, such as the infamous Feral Street and Famous After Death.



That's an average of one a week over six years.


Whether you've been here for a short time or not, I thank you.









Actually I'll be back soon, with more satire



Terrorist scum. Yum yum.


Satire Bytes #1

Terrorists scare the fuck out of me.

Their philosophy:
I blow you.

Hmmm.

Each to their own, but preferably not in my well-to-do suburb. Kill someone else’s family. Then I can uphold my values. Hey, I’ll join the candle vigil, no problem! I’ll hug whoever you want me to. 









All I know is that love should prevail. The Beatles got it right: Love is All you Need.

Much as I love the Fab Four I prefer the Star Wars philosophy. When Chewbacca was getting majorly cranky for losing the board game with the droids, C-3PO said to R2-D2, ‘I suggest letting the extremist win.’



You’ve heard the expression, if you can’t beat them, join them!





I won't go quite that far, because I’m a civilised human being, but if they can see that you’re trying to do the right thing, they'll leave you alone. If you’re nice to them, they’ll be nice to you. They’ll even respect me. I’m certain of it.






I love all nations equally. That's 100% equally, from Alaska to Abkhazia (where-ever that is). I believe in human rights. My theory is that the extremists will be too preoccupied by the racism of others to care about me. If I do come across them they’ll quickly ascertain how open-minded and accepting I am and move on. I’m truly a modern person, way above those ignorant red neck types. I like music, films and poetry. I’m cultured. Just ask me! (That's why I've began wearing a cravat).





I admire sexualised people of all denominations. I may even be one. I could be gay, bi or trans. (Which one is more popular these days?) That alone makes me more unique. I’m therefore more special. Get it? If you don’t, that’s because you’re ignorant.







Besides, who am I kidding? It’s always preferable to have a couple of high-calibre cards up your sleeve at the dinner party. Morally superior much!
With this much glorious tolerance, there must there a social media page where I can be praised. 
Parade me to my pulpit!







(For the record, I'm left wing. I'm simply pro safety, pro sense.)